The only way I've ever found success in weight loss is to control all aspects of my food. I can't eat out if I don't have the nutritional analysis of the restaurant to which we are headed. I measure out portions and put the rest of the food out of reach. Grocery lists are made from menus and food isn't bought unless it is on the list.
I keep thinking you must know this about me, but I'm not sure I ever wrote about it. So much time and energy is put into managing food. I hesitate to call the behavior obsessive because there is so much to actually do when you are closely monitoring your food intake. And doing it for a family could be a full-time job if your family, like mine, thrives on ever changing foods and experiences.
No wonder I was overwhelmed. Exhausted. Shattered.
I would go so far as to say I was shattered. I kept picking up the pieces I dropped, but I couldn't get them to come back together. Every time I tried something I thought I already had put back in place crumbled.
It turns out that I had to give up the image that I was trying to rebuild. When I stopped being able to make it work, it was because the image was hopelessly flawed. I was doing too much. Thankfully, I have an amazing husband who hesitantly, because he knows me, stepped in. He picked up the pieces I kept trying to fix and replaced them with something new.
Something I don't control.
This is a huge step. Not only am I giving up a traditionally female house hold role, but I am no longer able to strictly control my diet in the fashion I've become accustomed. How am I going to manage to lose weight if I don't know the specifics of everything I eat?
I'm not yet sure. We're 2 weeks in and I'm thoroughly enjoying my reduced task list. I haven't had the nerve to ask my husband if he is enjoying his new responsibilities. I'm not sure I want to know if he isn't. At least not yet.
So far my weight has not suffered. He's been planning meals with my dietary concerns in mind. We've had a few things I wouldn't have considered cooking. Combinations to use up our CSA vegetables which I hadn't considered before. It's been a healthy change. I've even managed to lose the couple of pounds I gained over vacation!
All-in-all, only time will tell how we work in this new arrangement. But right now I have high hopes. Maybe relinquishing some control will do wonders for relieving stress, another theme found in successful weight loss stories. Like mine, I hope.
Showing posts with label weight. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weight. Show all posts
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Friday, November 2, 2012
Another Change in Direction
I wrote last about my change in direction. I was giving myself permission to maintain. Permission to just be for a while. There is victory in maintaining and I was beginning to look to experiencing it.
And that is going to have to wait a bit longer...
The tides have changed again. My cholesterol numbers have come back and they've come back high. I recently changed doctors and this one believes the numbers will come down when I shed more weight. She's given me 6 months to lose more before she wants to discuss medical weight loss options. Not surgery, but drug assisted weight loss. Thankfully I'm ineligible for surgery due to my weight loss this year and I'm happy for doctors to stop asking me about it.
However, I'm not much happier about the drug assisted options. I don't like medicine and I think I've had solid weight loss success without it this year. But I still have my hereditarily high cholesterol numbers to consider. If the doc things rapid weight loss will get me in a better range, then I feel it is irresponsible to ignore her medical advice.
The plan provided by the doctor was 1200 calories with 45 minutes of cardio 6 days a week, no carbs after 6pm and ramp up on lean protein in all other meals. Not to be whiny but this also didn't work for me. I discussed that I'd been seeing results at 1600+ calories and didn't think I could do 1200. My point was not accepted.
I've considered that this new doctor isn't right for me. She's talking drug therapy versus crash dieting (in my completely non-medical opinion), neither option I find particularly appealing. Instead of going through the trouble of switching again, I am going to see through the next 6 months and find out what my numbers look like in April.
Last week I tried 1200 calories. After 5 days, I was unpleasant. My husband can vouch for that. Also I started to itch. I have yet to find a doctor who's seen it or person who's experienced it, but when I lose weight I tend to develop itchy hot red spots anywhere part of my body presses into something else. Sometimes these spots even turn into hives. It's really not comfortable, physically or mentally as I have no idea why it is happening.
Also, that was without exercise added in! I can see using a 1200 calories day every once in a while to reset my eating patterns, but long term I just don't think it is for me.
So I'm back to 1600 calories and I'm going to workout 6 days a week (go to the gym, do DVDs at home or walk around my neighborhood). I've interviewed a number of nutritionists and will be scheduling with one as soon as finances permit. I'm back on the weight loss bandwagon with reinvented motivation.
Wish me luck!
And that is going to have to wait a bit longer...
The tides have changed again. My cholesterol numbers have come back and they've come back high. I recently changed doctors and this one believes the numbers will come down when I shed more weight. She's given me 6 months to lose more before she wants to discuss medical weight loss options. Not surgery, but drug assisted weight loss. Thankfully I'm ineligible for surgery due to my weight loss this year and I'm happy for doctors to stop asking me about it.
However, I'm not much happier about the drug assisted options. I don't like medicine and I think I've had solid weight loss success without it this year. But I still have my hereditarily high cholesterol numbers to consider. If the doc things rapid weight loss will get me in a better range, then I feel it is irresponsible to ignore her medical advice.
The plan provided by the doctor was 1200 calories with 45 minutes of cardio 6 days a week, no carbs after 6pm and ramp up on lean protein in all other meals. Not to be whiny but this also didn't work for me. I discussed that I'd been seeing results at 1600+ calories and didn't think I could do 1200. My point was not accepted.
I've considered that this new doctor isn't right for me. She's talking drug therapy versus crash dieting (in my completely non-medical opinion), neither option I find particularly appealing. Instead of going through the trouble of switching again, I am going to see through the next 6 months and find out what my numbers look like in April.
Last week I tried 1200 calories. After 5 days, I was unpleasant. My husband can vouch for that. Also I started to itch. I have yet to find a doctor who's seen it or person who's experienced it, but when I lose weight I tend to develop itchy hot red spots anywhere part of my body presses into something else. Sometimes these spots even turn into hives. It's really not comfortable, physically or mentally as I have no idea why it is happening.
Also, that was without exercise added in! I can see using a 1200 calories day every once in a while to reset my eating patterns, but long term I just don't think it is for me.
So I'm back to 1600 calories and I'm going to workout 6 days a week (go to the gym, do DVDs at home or walk around my neighborhood). I've interviewed a number of nutritionists and will be scheduling with one as soon as finances permit. I'm back on the weight loss bandwagon with reinvented motivation.
Wish me luck!
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Celebrating Progress
I've drafted three posts now and haven't published a single one. I'm so tired of complaining about my life and my progress. I'm actually tired of hearing myself complain. Every time I've tried to justify not writing I read my words and hear a whine in my voice that I don't like. This is taking too long. I'm working so hard. I messed up my diet. I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm tired.
As of this month I've lost 21 pounds. I've been ruminating over the number for days, actually weeks, now. I think about it all the time. At no point since I started this weight loss iteration have I obsessed over a number like I have this one. I've lost more than this in the past. Forty pounds lost was the climax of my weight watchers experience. Twenty of that never came back as anything more than temporary baby weight.
Having reached 21 pounds lost, I'm now at my lowest weight in my adult life, 219. I don't remember the moment when I crossed into the 220s for the first time, but I know it was before I graduated from undergrad. Reaching 219 is a huge accomplishment. One to be celebrated! Every step forward from here is a step into unknown territory. I'm no longer reversing the ups and downs of failed diets. I'm breaking new ground with every forward step.
Thinking back I didn't diet in college. My weight management plan was to buy another Diet Coke with a side of cigarettes; a substitution habit which began in high school. Food was impulsive and secondary. I don't remember thinking more about it than where the free food locations were (Engineering Building Atrium), how much a box of Rice Roni cost (89 cents) or if the 7 Eleven nachos were fresh (No, always No). Looking back, my many attempts to quit smoking definitely contributed to my weight gain. I don't remember ever losing weight when I would give into the cravings; smoking would just stop the upward trend. That habit steadily declined until late 2007 when I decided I wanted kids. Finally I quit for the last time.
Now I find myself at my lowest weight. I'm no longer a smoker. Diet Coke still happens, but on the order of maybe 32 ounces a month (I easily consumed 64 ounces a day). I've learned buckets about food and portions and exercise and nutrition. I'm working out harder and longer than ever before. I can feel myself getting stronger. And none of the changes I've made to my life are dangerous, unhealthy or unsustainable.
Wow. I have so much to celebrate.
Why do I hesitate? Fear that I can't do it without those habits. Nostalgia for all the plates of nachos consumed without a care. Doubt that the weight won't come back two fold. Fatigue from pushing myself to change while maintaining a life I love. Remorse over not taking care of myself sooner. Worry that it is too little too late. How can I celebrate when I still have so far to go? I'm a fat person celebrating being less fat. It's obscene.
And I'm being harsh. I know that. I recognize it. I'm not being nice or kind or forgiving towards myself. That is one of the things my husband called me out on months ago. This process is all about learning how to take care of me. What habits will serve me well. What does my body need to thrive. How can I feed my soul without food. As I try, learn and incorporate new things, even discarding previous staples, I'll feel better and the weight will come off.
Celebrating would feel good. I should try it sometime.
As of this month I've lost 21 pounds. I've been ruminating over the number for days, actually weeks, now. I think about it all the time. At no point since I started this weight loss iteration have I obsessed over a number like I have this one. I've lost more than this in the past. Forty pounds lost was the climax of my weight watchers experience. Twenty of that never came back as anything more than temporary baby weight.
Having reached 21 pounds lost, I'm now at my lowest weight in my adult life, 219. I don't remember the moment when I crossed into the 220s for the first time, but I know it was before I graduated from undergrad. Reaching 219 is a huge accomplishment. One to be celebrated! Every step forward from here is a step into unknown territory. I'm no longer reversing the ups and downs of failed diets. I'm breaking new ground with every forward step.
Thinking back I didn't diet in college. My weight management plan was to buy another Diet Coke with a side of cigarettes; a substitution habit which began in high school. Food was impulsive and secondary. I don't remember thinking more about it than where the free food locations were (Engineering Building Atrium), how much a box of Rice Roni cost (89 cents) or if the 7 Eleven nachos were fresh (No, always No). Looking back, my many attempts to quit smoking definitely contributed to my weight gain. I don't remember ever losing weight when I would give into the cravings; smoking would just stop the upward trend. That habit steadily declined until late 2007 when I decided I wanted kids. Finally I quit for the last time.
Now I find myself at my lowest weight. I'm no longer a smoker. Diet Coke still happens, but on the order of maybe 32 ounces a month (I easily consumed 64 ounces a day). I've learned buckets about food and portions and exercise and nutrition. I'm working out harder and longer than ever before. I can feel myself getting stronger. And none of the changes I've made to my life are dangerous, unhealthy or unsustainable.
Wow. I have so much to celebrate.
Why do I hesitate? Fear that I can't do it without those habits. Nostalgia for all the plates of nachos consumed without a care. Doubt that the weight won't come back two fold. Fatigue from pushing myself to change while maintaining a life I love. Remorse over not taking care of myself sooner. Worry that it is too little too late. How can I celebrate when I still have so far to go? I'm a fat person celebrating being less fat. It's obscene.
And I'm being harsh. I know that. I recognize it. I'm not being nice or kind or forgiving towards myself. That is one of the things my husband called me out on months ago. This process is all about learning how to take care of me. What habits will serve me well. What does my body need to thrive. How can I feed my soul without food. As I try, learn and incorporate new things, even discarding previous staples, I'll feel better and the weight will come off.
Celebrating would feel good. I should try it sometime.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Lessons
Yesterday I was feeling strong. I was positive. I started thinking about what I wanted to teach my girls as they watched me go through this. Because I know they are watching. Ideas that kept swimming in my mind include:
Those first two lessons are something I wish I'd know 20 years ago. Maybe they were offered; maybe they weren't. I didn't see, internalize or act on them. And I truly wish I had. I focused for years on working hard to make up for my perceived shortcomings. I've pushed so hard to excel at my course work, advance in my career, build my family, I neglected major parts of me. Most notably my body and health. I hope that realization doesn't turn into the regret in the coming years. Me is something I plan to take care of now.
Which brings me to this month's weigh-in. Today I weighed in at 219. I have lost one pound since June. I started writing up a list of all the reasons why I should still feel good about the last month. The list didn't feel right. It was me talking myself out of feeling what I'm feeling.
Quite simply I am disappointed. In my progress. In myself. In this process. I want all this work to pay off much MUCH faster than it is. I'm tired all the time. With today's weigh-in I am also sad. I'm telling myself this is okay. Permanent change isn't fast. Results will come when I make sustainable changes. It's okay to be frustrated and fed up. Which brings me to another lesson.
It's not PC. It's not pretty. And it's not always nice. When you find a goal that means the world to you. When you decide it is your mission to reach that goal. When that purpose lights you up and makes you want more. Do not give up. Don't settle for less. Don't let anyone get in your way. Including yourself. Especially yourself.
This month I've allowed some old habits back in. Those habits have chipped away at my resolve and my progress. I've let them. I have actively looked the other way while I made poor decisions. I hate that I'm a self-saboteur, but I'm not sure I can call myself anything else. One thought keeps coming to mind as I chew over the last month - I'm tired. I'm not completely sure why. After 7 months and 21 pounds, is some sort of mission fatigue setting in? Is this a yet unidentified funk? Do I just need to get to bed earlier?
Now is the time to figure it out. I'm not giving up. Back to earlier bedtimes, homemade lunches and weeknight prep hour. Back to stopping when I know I've reached my calorie limit for the day. Back to believing that I not only can but will accomplish this goal. If the tired continues, I will see the doctor. But first it's time to dump all the excuses.
Take care of yourself now.
Prepare to succeed.
Hard work opens doors.
Those first two lessons are something I wish I'd know 20 years ago. Maybe they were offered; maybe they weren't. I didn't see, internalize or act on them. And I truly wish I had. I focused for years on working hard to make up for my perceived shortcomings. I've pushed so hard to excel at my course work, advance in my career, build my family, I neglected major parts of me. Most notably my body and health. I hope that realization doesn't turn into the regret in the coming years. Me is something I plan to take care of now.
Which brings me to this month's weigh-in. Today I weighed in at 219. I have lost one pound since June. I started writing up a list of all the reasons why I should still feel good about the last month. The list didn't feel right. It was me talking myself out of feeling what I'm feeling.
Quite simply I am disappointed. In my progress. In myself. In this process. I want all this work to pay off much MUCH faster than it is. I'm tired all the time. With today's weigh-in I am also sad. I'm telling myself this is okay. Permanent change isn't fast. Results will come when I make sustainable changes. It's okay to be frustrated and fed up. Which brings me to another lesson.
Don't compromise.
It's not PC. It's not pretty. And it's not always nice. When you find a goal that means the world to you. When you decide it is your mission to reach that goal. When that purpose lights you up and makes you want more. Do not give up. Don't settle for less. Don't let anyone get in your way. Including yourself. Especially yourself.
This month I've allowed some old habits back in. Those habits have chipped away at my resolve and my progress. I've let them. I have actively looked the other way while I made poor decisions. I hate that I'm a self-saboteur, but I'm not sure I can call myself anything else. One thought keeps coming to mind as I chew over the last month - I'm tired. I'm not completely sure why. After 7 months and 21 pounds, is some sort of mission fatigue setting in? Is this a yet unidentified funk? Do I just need to get to bed earlier?
Now is the time to figure it out. I'm not giving up. Back to earlier bedtimes, homemade lunches and weeknight prep hour. Back to stopping when I know I've reached my calorie limit for the day. Back to believing that I not only can but will accomplish this goal. If the tired continues, I will see the doctor. But first it's time to dump all the excuses.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Who knows
I'm not really sure how I feel about my sisters knowing that I'm actively striving to lose 100 pounds. My family is a tight knit one, so they know I'm up to something. It's one thing to admit that you are watching what you eat or trying to lose a couple pounds. But to admit that I'm trying to lose 100? Yeah. Um. No? I can admit that desire here, but it isn't something I talk about with people easily. Or at all.
After shocking myself by saying it out loud, on tape, at an event last November, I talked with a friend at work. I was still working out if that was what I really wanted. By January I determined that I did. I took months after that to work up to talking about it with my husband. It kind of tumbled out during a "let's see if we can figure out how you got here" discussion with my physical therapist. There are 4 people who know me in real life that know about this blog; two of them are regular readers. That makes a whopping 7 people. Maybe for some people that is a lot, but I have a huge family where very little is truly private. Why haven't I told them?
My best guess is that I'm worried it won't be good enough. They know me so well, they might be able to poke holes in all I've been working on for months already. It's also embarrassing, humbling, to know where I am and how far I have to go. We're a competitive bunch and I don't want to compare myself to them positively or negatively. Support is good, but I have to remember there are no winners and losers in this. Reaching my goal is what matters. They don't know about my goal yet. Am I ready for them to find out?
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Workout 120711: Challenge
After three weeks of no gym and physical therapy ending two weeks ago, I decided it was time to meet with a trainer at my gym again. I want to make sure that I am still challenging myself. Plus it is fun to have someone to talk to while I'm working out. I never cease to learn something. Today was no different in that regard.
I also really liked the Swiss Ball Passes. Those are something I read off the Lean Green Been and had to try out. They are hard and work my lower abdominal muscles which is the same area the Reverse Curls work. However, I'm getting very frustrated with Reverse Curls because my feet are no where closer to getting under that damn stick. In time, yeah, but I've been doing them for months. I needed something new. Happily I have found it.
A good work out was seriously needed today. It was weigh-in day and I'm not happy, but nto unhappy either. The scale showed a 0.0 pounds change. For a couple minutes I was down. Then I remembered that I'm coming off party weekend. Plus last week was my first full week back at the gym. It will all settle down. AND no gain means I've still lost 20 pounds. That is a good feeling.
10 min Treadmill WarmupWow! That was a lot! And I feel good! The part that made me the happiest was walking downstairs to the locker room afterwards and my knees not hurting. I was a little worried because I did have to cut the last set of Squats short. I started feeling my knee pull. BUT considering I did a grand total of 33 squats!?!?!?!? That is huge progress!!!
5 Swiss Ball Passes (Lying on my back I pick up a Swiss Ball between my feet, lift it up and pass it to my hands. With the Swiss Ball in my hand I lower my arms and legs back to the floor. Then I reverse, passing the ball from my hands to my feet)
5 Bosu Squats
5 Bosu Reverse Lunges each side
5 Swiss Ball Passes (OWOWOWOW)
5 Modified Pushups
While sitting on a Swiss Ball with 5 lbs in each hand:
3 Sets 12 Bicep Curls5 Back Crunches on Swiss Ball (Lying on the Swiss Ball on my stomach, I put my hands behind my head and lift up using my back muscles)
3 Sets 12 Tricep Extensions each side
10 Front Raises
10 Side Raises
10 Shoulder Presses
38 sec Bosu Plank (Elbows on Bosu)
30 sec Side Plank each side
2 min Treadmill *
10 Squats *
* Repeat 3 times
Stretch
I also really liked the Swiss Ball Passes. Those are something I read off the Lean Green Been and had to try out. They are hard and work my lower abdominal muscles which is the same area the Reverse Curls work. However, I'm getting very frustrated with Reverse Curls because my feet are no where closer to getting under that damn stick. In time, yeah, but I've been doing them for months. I needed something new. Happily I have found it.
A good work out was seriously needed today. It was weigh-in day and I'm not happy, but nto unhappy either. The scale showed a 0.0 pounds change. For a couple minutes I was down. Then I remembered that I'm coming off party weekend. Plus last week was my first full week back at the gym. It will all settle down. AND no gain means I've still lost 20 pounds. That is a good feeling.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
A Triumph
I've spent the past week preparing myself for the worst. I promised myself that I would not judge myself by the number that came back today. After the down cycle in my mood and the lack of exercise, I was sure my metabolism had gone into hibernation and I was back to gaining weight. I consoled myself and promised myself I would do better. It was just a phase.
And a ton of wasted effort. I weighed in this morning at a whopping...
Wow. I spent hours telling myself how I would recover from a gain and I would not reverse all the progress I'd made. I was really in a down place. Maybe next time I'm feeling down I will have a little more faith in myself and the work I put in. I don't have to be 100% to make progress. Maybe 80% is a wholesome way to reach a far off goal like this.
In the month of June, I have lost 4 more pounds. That brings my grand total to 20 pounds lost. That is 1/5th of my goal!!! That is huge! I tried to think back to the last night I know I weighted 220. I called my OB to find out what my starting weight was when I went in with my first pregnancy. I was thinking that I might have finally lost all the "baby" weight. Turns out I was 230 at my first OB appointment. I've lots all the baby weight from both of my pregnancies. Woohoo!
Thinking further back, it was at some point while I was on weight watchers. That was the mark where my points dropped and I began to falter. I also was finishing up grad school, learning how to exercise (still working on that one) and trying to figure out how to live with my husband. I remember because at 40 pounds lost back then, people really started to notice that I was losing weight. At Christmas that year, I got a ton of complements and was happy to find that I could wear XL shirts.
I remember thinking back then that I was the smallest my husband had ever known me. Today I am again the smallest since I found my guy. I'm smaller than when I graduated from undergrad. Smaller than when I was hired... and subsequently laid off... from my first 'real' job.
The best part is that I'm doing this without some of the negative methods I employed last time. No cigarettes. No Diet Coke. No artificial sweeteners at all in fact. And I'm already exercising regularly. Last time at 220 I started exercising.
This month will be a big month for me. Continued success means that I'll have beaten the wall I came up against 6 years ago. That and I might have to try to obtain my college student health services records to figure out my measurements back then. Lots to look forward to!
And a ton of wasted effort. I weighed in this morning at a whopping...
220
Wow. I spent hours telling myself how I would recover from a gain and I would not reverse all the progress I'd made. I was really in a down place. Maybe next time I'm feeling down I will have a little more faith in myself and the work I put in. I don't have to be 100% to make progress. Maybe 80% is a wholesome way to reach a far off goal like this.
In the month of June, I have lost 4 more pounds. That brings my grand total to 20 pounds lost. That is 1/5th of my goal!!! That is huge! I tried to think back to the last night I know I weighted 220. I called my OB to find out what my starting weight was when I went in with my first pregnancy. I was thinking that I might have finally lost all the "baby" weight. Turns out I was 230 at my first OB appointment. I've lots all the baby weight from both of my pregnancies. Woohoo!
Thinking further back, it was at some point while I was on weight watchers. That was the mark where my points dropped and I began to falter. I also was finishing up grad school, learning how to exercise (still working on that one) and trying to figure out how to live with my husband. I remember because at 40 pounds lost back then, people really started to notice that I was losing weight. At Christmas that year, I got a ton of complements and was happy to find that I could wear XL shirts.
I remember thinking back then that I was the smallest my husband had ever known me. Today I am again the smallest since I found my guy. I'm smaller than when I graduated from undergrad. Smaller than when I was hired... and subsequently laid off... from my first 'real' job.
The best part is that I'm doing this without some of the negative methods I employed last time. No cigarettes. No Diet Coke. No artificial sweeteners at all in fact. And I'm already exercising regularly. Last time at 220 I started exercising.
This month will be a big month for me. Continued success means that I'll have beaten the wall I came up against 6 years ago. That and I might have to try to obtain my college student health services records to figure out my measurements back then. Lots to look forward to!
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Understandable Results and a Deadline
Though I'm only sharing my weight monthly, I do track it on a weekly basis. Each Wednesday morning after I workout but before I shower and get dressed for the day, I weigh-in. Since switching to calorie counting, this is the first Wednesday that I haven't made it to the gym. This past week is also the first week that I haven't worked out at least 4 times per week. With today being weigh-in, I was nervous.
As it turns out, I didn't need to be quite to nervous. My caloric intake stayed about where it has been (a little over the previous week, but not out of control) while my activity went down a little. All said and done, I lost a little less than I usually do. I'm okay with that. Not in the long run of course, but while I'm figuring out my foot, I'm okay with it.
It's definitely strange to have something workout logically like that. I talked to a woman this week who's been living a healthy lifestyle her entire life. She seemed to have an innate understanding of her behaviors that support her health. I wondered at that. To know what your body needs and when it is out of whack... I don't have that understanding. But I'm starting to gain a little of it. Weeks like this really do serve a purpose. I get to see that it isn't all or nothing for one. And I'm learning to listen just a little better to what my body is telling me. Hopefully, sooner than later, my body and I will be speaking to the same language.
Speaking of later, I've given later a date. Later is 600 days from today. It sounds like a lot. 600 Days. The date of later is February 3rd, 2014. It is going to be a Monday. On that day I want to weigh 140 lbs. It feels so strange to type that. That number seems impossible right now. To achieve it by that day I need to lose an average 4.5 pounds per month. That seems more doable, but also a lot of work. A lot of very consistent work.
To get there will be a feat. An awesome feat. A feat to be celebrated. Disney World? A Spa Day? I'm not sure a day will be enough. Maybe a Spa weekend? Maybe I make a girlfriend travel with me to Europe. Or a shopping spree? I've always wanted to be able to wear the clothing in Ann Taylor. At 140 I will definitely be in their size range.
I haven't a clue how I'll celebrate accomplishing the impossible, but I will celebrate. And I'm pretty sure my body will celebrate with me. Not just a celebration of reaching a goal and ending a struggle. More a celebration of a new solid union. Body and mind. I hope even more than fitting in that cute little dress, I'll understand how I accomplished all that I did and what I can do to keep myself healthy and happy for the rest of my life.
As it turns out, I didn't need to be quite to nervous. My caloric intake stayed about where it has been (a little over the previous week, but not out of control) while my activity went down a little. All said and done, I lost a little less than I usually do. I'm okay with that. Not in the long run of course, but while I'm figuring out my foot, I'm okay with it.
It's definitely strange to have something workout logically like that. I talked to a woman this week who's been living a healthy lifestyle her entire life. She seemed to have an innate understanding of her behaviors that support her health. I wondered at that. To know what your body needs and when it is out of whack... I don't have that understanding. But I'm starting to gain a little of it. Weeks like this really do serve a purpose. I get to see that it isn't all or nothing for one. And I'm learning to listen just a little better to what my body is telling me. Hopefully, sooner than later, my body and I will be speaking to the same language.
Speaking of later, I've given later a date. Later is 600 days from today. It sounds like a lot. 600 Days. The date of later is February 3rd, 2014. It is going to be a Monday. On that day I want to weigh 140 lbs. It feels so strange to type that. That number seems impossible right now. To achieve it by that day I need to lose an average 4.5 pounds per month. That seems more doable, but also a lot of work. A lot of very consistent work.
To get there will be a feat. An awesome feat. A feat to be celebrated. Disney World? A Spa Day? I'm not sure a day will be enough. Maybe a Spa weekend? Maybe I make a girlfriend travel with me to Europe. Or a shopping spree? I've always wanted to be able to wear the clothing in Ann Taylor. At 140 I will definitely be in their size range.
I haven't a clue how I'll celebrate accomplishing the impossible, but I will celebrate. And I'm pretty sure my body will celebrate with me. Not just a celebration of reaching a goal and ending a struggle. More a celebration of a new solid union. Body and mind. I hope even more than fitting in that cute little dress, I'll understand how I accomplished all that I did and what I can do to keep myself healthy and happy for the rest of my life.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
The Results Are In
Today's post is brought to you by the number...
....
Yeah!!!! Woohoo! Go Margot! It's your birthday! Have a party!
I am thrilled! Hesitantly thrilled but thrilled nonetheless. That number came as a bit of a surprise this morning. I was hoping for 225. After moving to calorie counting, I was more than a little concerned that my process would be found lacking against the proven system that is Weight Watchers. Really I was a lot worried. Today I know that worry is unfounded. There is no one tool for success.
The biggest plus is that I like counting calories more than I do counting points. The first time I did WW I knew the formula well enough to guesstimate points from calories. The new point system has a much more complicated formula. And many restaurants only offer calorie counts on their foods these days which have no place in the new formula. I was finding that very frustrating. Switching to calories fixed that. I only have to add and the number is increasingly available.
My hesitation comes from the constant fear that this isn't real and the weight will return. I'm not sure if that fear will ever go away. I may reach my goal and always feel a 100 lb weight following behind me waiting to reunite. That might be the trade off for going through this process. By succeeding I know what both side feeling like. I won't ever be an blissfully ignorant skinny person. This person who had a 100 lb weight loss goal will always be here.
That's not such a bad thing, but it is one more thing to consider along my way. Learning to celebrate these losses is hard. I should be over the moon with excitement for the progress I'm making. And I am! Sort of. There's just more to it. I guess there will always be more to it.
My total weight loss since May's weigh in is 6 pounds. Since my first weigh-in in January my total weight loss is 16 pounds. That averages out to 0.72 pounds per week, or 3.2 pounds per month, for this year. I like the 3.2 pounds per month number. It is solid progress, but definitely not too quick. The slower progress gives me a little more hope that this is real. I am making permanent changes in my life, ones that I can stick with forever. Go me! :)
224
....
Yeah!!!! Woohoo! Go Margot! It's your birthday! Have a party!
I am thrilled! Hesitantly thrilled but thrilled nonetheless. That number came as a bit of a surprise this morning. I was hoping for 225. After moving to calorie counting, I was more than a little concerned that my process would be found lacking against the proven system that is Weight Watchers. Really I was a lot worried. Today I know that worry is unfounded. There is no one tool for success.
The biggest plus is that I like counting calories more than I do counting points. The first time I did WW I knew the formula well enough to guesstimate points from calories. The new point system has a much more complicated formula. And many restaurants only offer calorie counts on their foods these days which have no place in the new formula. I was finding that very frustrating. Switching to calories fixed that. I only have to add and the number is increasingly available.
My hesitation comes from the constant fear that this isn't real and the weight will return. I'm not sure if that fear will ever go away. I may reach my goal and always feel a 100 lb weight following behind me waiting to reunite. That might be the trade off for going through this process. By succeeding I know what both side feeling like. I won't ever be an blissfully ignorant skinny person. This person who had a 100 lb weight loss goal will always be here.
That's not such a bad thing, but it is one more thing to consider along my way. Learning to celebrate these losses is hard. I should be over the moon with excitement for the progress I'm making. And I am! Sort of. There's just more to it. I guess there will always be more to it.
My total weight loss since May's weigh in is 6 pounds. Since my first weigh-in in January my total weight loss is 16 pounds. That averages out to 0.72 pounds per week, or 3.2 pounds per month, for this year. I like the 3.2 pounds per month number. It is solid progress, but definitely not too quick. The slower progress gives me a little more hope that this is real. I am making permanent changes in my life, ones that I can stick with forever. Go me! :)
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Engineering My Life
I'm an Engineer. Albeit a Software Engineer, but an Engineer nonetheless. Looking up common qualities found in Engineers:
However, this is my life. It isn't a problem to be solved. Maybe my weight is, but not me. The road I'm walking right now is long and hard and not always kind. The weight I want so desperately to shed is part of me, part of who I am. I keep approaching it as a problem needing a solution. But I'm starting to think there is no solution. There is just me, in all my glorious imperfection. I can devise strategies, make new habits and try to eliminate behaviors that don't benefit me, but at the end of the day... This is me we're talking about. And I'm not a problem.
So where does that leave me?
I have the desire to change an aspect of myself. My weight. There are many traits I possess which have manifested in weight gain. One by one, I must address them. With each I get to brainstorm what I want my life to look like and decide on changes I want to make to get there. Through this process I get to reinvent myself. Re-engineer my life.
That sounds exciting. I've done it before to different degrees. Moving away from home. Integrating myself into a professional team. Becoming a Working Mom. But I must remember to value the process as much as the result. I don't know what the result will look like yet. Weight-loss is the goal, but the result will be much more. It will be me.
- Problem Solver
- Communicates well
- Analytical
- Creative
- Detail Oriented
However, this is my life. It isn't a problem to be solved. Maybe my weight is, but not me. The road I'm walking right now is long and hard and not always kind. The weight I want so desperately to shed is part of me, part of who I am. I keep approaching it as a problem needing a solution. But I'm starting to think there is no solution. There is just me, in all my glorious imperfection. I can devise strategies, make new habits and try to eliminate behaviors that don't benefit me, but at the end of the day... This is me we're talking about. And I'm not a problem.
So where does that leave me?
I have the desire to change an aspect of myself. My weight. There are many traits I possess which have manifested in weight gain. One by one, I must address them. With each I get to brainstorm what I want my life to look like and decide on changes I want to make to get there. Through this process I get to reinvent myself. Re-engineer my life.
That sounds exciting. I've done it before to different degrees. Moving away from home. Integrating myself into a professional team. Becoming a Working Mom. But I must remember to value the process as much as the result. I don't know what the result will look like yet. Weight-loss is the goal, but the result will be much more. It will be me.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Where to Now?
Over the past week, I made my decision to kick Weight Watchers to the curb. As shown over the past two months, the program can lead to positive results. However, I've done WW before. Having followed the program for almost a year last time, I'd begun manipulating the program. I found that those habits picked up right where they'd left off this time. Versus fighting with myself to use the program as intended, I'm going to seek out another way. But I don't regret going back in the least! The biggest thing I've learned from rejoining is that bad habits return when you aren't watching.
My present bad habits include:
So what does that mean for my weight loss plan? It means I have to develop a plan of attack.
I've already developed the good habit of working out 4 times each week. That is not changing. PT twice a week; gym workouts twice a week. Take the stairs at work. For the time being, I'm deeming that enough activity each week. Adding on bonus hours of walking on the weekends is... well... bonus.
On the food front, I'm starting at the beginning. I've purchased a cute little notebook with blank lined pages and pretty flowers on the cover to carry around with me. In it, I'm going to
Everything I eat starting today goes into my shiny new notebook. Bonus points will be awarded for measuring the quantity of food consumed, noting moods or struggles during the day or including calorie counts. But the main focus is to simply write everything down. In doing this I hope to create a habit of noting the food consumed while it is in front of me and before it is only a memory. I also firmly believe that the act of writing it down curbs cravings and keeps me honest.
Each week I'll be building on what I learned in the previous weeks. I can't lay out the plan now, because I don't know what I'm going to learn yet. I have a few ideas and as more develop I'll be noting them in my little book. My general plan right now is to develop a calorie counting method that works for me, hone in on problem areas, learn ways to cope with them and eventually define a lifestyle formula for myself to continue my weight loss.
I'm a little worried that I'm reinventing the wheel, but isn't that how every successful weight loss story goes? "This is what worked for me." I've learned a lot from the programs I've tried. None of them have fit my life very well. Or maybe portions of my life just aren't ready to be changed? I might just be on to something there.
My present bad habits include:
- Snacking after dinner. I eat my dinner every night and then proceed to continue eating long after the dinner hours has ended. I don't sit down and eat a pint of ice cream. Instead, I grab something small every 20 - 30 minutes and just nibble for the rest of the night. Writing down my nibbles showed that I consume another whole meal between dinner and bedtime most nights.
- Eyeballing portions. It's one thing to make good food choices, but without portion control even the good foods can become unhealthy. I guesstimate a lot more than I measure. This is handy when you are cooking in a hurry; not so good when trying to determine how many calories you've eaten.
- Skipping the water. When I eat out, I need water refills constantly. However, I often get side tracked on the way to refill my glass or let it sit for hours untouched at my desk during the day. If I have a cup of coffee to nurse I drink even less water. And in the evenings I can barely find the time to eat my dinner, much less finish a beverage.
- Cheese. My husband actually pointed this one out to me a few months ago. Even so I didn't realize the impact cheese was having on my diet. I've been including cheese in almost every major meal, particularly my vegetarian dishes.
So what does that mean for my weight loss plan? It means I have to develop a plan of attack.
I've already developed the good habit of working out 4 times each week. That is not changing. PT twice a week; gym workouts twice a week. Take the stairs at work. For the time being, I'm deeming that enough activity each week. Adding on bonus hours of walking on the weekends is... well... bonus.
On the food front, I'm starting at the beginning. I've purchased a cute little notebook with blank lined pages and pretty flowers on the cover to carry around with me. In it, I'm going to
Write down what I eat.
Everything I eat starting today goes into my shiny new notebook. Bonus points will be awarded for measuring the quantity of food consumed, noting moods or struggles during the day or including calorie counts. But the main focus is to simply write everything down. In doing this I hope to create a habit of noting the food consumed while it is in front of me and before it is only a memory. I also firmly believe that the act of writing it down curbs cravings and keeps me honest.
Each week I'll be building on what I learned in the previous weeks. I can't lay out the plan now, because I don't know what I'm going to learn yet. I have a few ideas and as more develop I'll be noting them in my little book. My general plan right now is to develop a calorie counting method that works for me, hone in on problem areas, learn ways to cope with them and eventually define a lifestyle formula for myself to continue my weight loss.
I'm a little worried that I'm reinventing the wheel, but isn't that how every successful weight loss story goes? "This is what worked for me." I've learned a lot from the programs I've tried. None of them have fit my life very well. Or maybe portions of my life just aren't ready to be changed? I might just be on to something there.
Monday, May 7, 2012
How Much a Number Can Mean
There's a piece of news that I've been keeping to myself. Mostly due to all the offline introspection going on, but also... I'm proud of it. This month's weight-in results?
I am 10 pounds down from my start weight in January! This is 10 % of my overall goal! I'm just a little thrilled. *grin* I'm happy to be seeing progress and I'm hoping that I'll get to continue seeing it. Just so you have an idea of where I've been for the past week, here's more on what this number means to me.
The last time I weighed in at 230, I had a tiny baby in my arms. My second baby was 6 weeks old. When I found out I was pregnant with her, I weighed 245 lbs. I'd had a c-section with my first child and was terrified to go through that process again. I knew it would be worth it to have a healthy baby, but I was out-of-my-mind scared. I blamed the c-section for the depression which followed the birth of my first baby. Recovery was slow and painful and scary for me. Thinking of going through all that again with the addition of a toddler was mind-numbing.
I'm not sure my doctors ever fully understood the depth of my fear. But they did present me with a way out. A VBAC. I could have my second child naturally if nothing went wrong. I had to have a completely uneventful pregnancy AND I had to gain minimal weight. The sheer fact that I weighted 245 lbs at 8 weeks pregnant made me high risk; it didn't matter than my first pregnancy contained no weight-related complications (my c-section was required due to my first baby being in a breech position). Adding to my weight was the previous surgery. The doctors would accept no additional risk factors.
Fear is motivating. I went home from that first appointment determined to make this work. I made a plan. I joined BabyFit - Spark People's pregnancy accommodations. Using their exercise suggestions (which appeared to have actual pregnant women performing the exercises), I planned out a workout for 5 days a week. I did strength training MWF and walked for 30 minutes on TuTh. I also abandoned my habit-forming French Fry Fridays I'd adopted during my first pregnancy. These changes, constant monitoring by my OB and obsessive worrying on my part resulted in a 12 pound gain for my entire pregnancy.
For the first time in my health life, I felt powerful and successful. Move the body and monitor the food to get the results you seek. It was empowering and just what I needed to conquer my fears upon finding out I was pregnant a second time. During those months, I truly believed "You can do this!" and I did. It was terrific. And at my 6 week check up, my hard work was validated. I was 15 pounds lighter that I was at the start of the pregnancy. And I had two beautiful babies. Life was absolutely wonderful.
So this past week, I returned to that place. The place where I felt accomplished and powerful. I'd achieved my goals and felt terrific. I'm feeling a little more of that these days. Life is still wonder filled. And I can accomplish goals just as I did 2 years ago. I make a plan. I execute the plan. I find the results I seek.
Next up? More on the plan.
230
I am 10 pounds down from my start weight in January! This is 10 % of my overall goal! I'm just a little thrilled. *grin* I'm happy to be seeing progress and I'm hoping that I'll get to continue seeing it. Just so you have an idea of where I've been for the past week, here's more on what this number means to me.
The last time I weighed in at 230, I had a tiny baby in my arms. My second baby was 6 weeks old. When I found out I was pregnant with her, I weighed 245 lbs. I'd had a c-section with my first child and was terrified to go through that process again. I knew it would be worth it to have a healthy baby, but I was out-of-my-mind scared. I blamed the c-section for the depression which followed the birth of my first baby. Recovery was slow and painful and scary for me. Thinking of going through all that again with the addition of a toddler was mind-numbing.
I'm not sure my doctors ever fully understood the depth of my fear. But they did present me with a way out. A VBAC. I could have my second child naturally if nothing went wrong. I had to have a completely uneventful pregnancy AND I had to gain minimal weight. The sheer fact that I weighted 245 lbs at 8 weeks pregnant made me high risk; it didn't matter than my first pregnancy contained no weight-related complications (my c-section was required due to my first baby being in a breech position). Adding to my weight was the previous surgery. The doctors would accept no additional risk factors.
Fear is motivating. I went home from that first appointment determined to make this work. I made a plan. I joined BabyFit - Spark People's pregnancy accommodations. Using their exercise suggestions (which appeared to have actual pregnant women performing the exercises), I planned out a workout for 5 days a week. I did strength training MWF and walked for 30 minutes on TuTh. I also abandoned my habit-forming French Fry Fridays I'd adopted during my first pregnancy. These changes, constant monitoring by my OB and obsessive worrying on my part resulted in a 12 pound gain for my entire pregnancy.
For the first time in my health life, I felt powerful and successful. Move the body and monitor the food to get the results you seek. It was empowering and just what I needed to conquer my fears upon finding out I was pregnant a second time. During those months, I truly believed "You can do this!" and I did. It was terrific. And at my 6 week check up, my hard work was validated. I was 15 pounds lighter that I was at the start of the pregnancy. And I had two beautiful babies. Life was absolutely wonderful.
So this past week, I returned to that place. The place where I felt accomplished and powerful. I'd achieved my goals and felt terrific. I'm feeling a little more of that these days. Life is still wonder filled. And I can accomplish goals just as I did 2 years ago. I make a plan. I execute the plan. I find the results I seek.
Next up? More on the plan.
Monday, April 30, 2012
My non-break
I haven't fallen off the wagon. Just in case you were wondering. I'm still here. I'm sticking to my goals and I'm seeing progress. Just how much progress will be determined in another 2 days. My monthly weigh-in is coming up and I'm honestly looking forward to it. How can I look forward to something I normally dread?
This month has been hard for me. As I settled into the Weight Watchers rhythm, I remembered why I had to quit the program. Counting points or calories is tedious. WW has done their best to make it not tedious, but no matter how you look at it, you must track each and every morsel that goes in your mouth. Honestly, I spend a lot of time tracking the morsels that don't go in my mouth as well. I get so bogged down with the numbers and the counting that I give up and just stop. I worry that I'm never going to succeed with a program based on tracking and counting because some days I just don't want to. And without consistency I worry that I've bitten off more than I can chew.
That is still not an answer explaining my sudden excitement. Despite my tracking issues, I've done reasonably well keeping my food in check. There was one unfortunate nacho relapse and a few pepperoni snack attacks, but they were limited and I've forgiven myself. I've stuck to my workout goal, managing at least 4 workouts per week. And I walked a 5K this month!
Additionally, I added a goal of skipping the elevator at work. I can honestly stand up and say that I am professionally 6 days elevator free. While I'm still out of breath at the top, I don't feel as though I can't make it. I take my time and conquer each flight as it presents itself. In the interest of full disclosure, I still take the elevator at the hospital's parking garage. Stairwells in garages are not places I like being alone or when I'm feeling weak. I'm at the hospital by myself for physical therapy with makes me by definition alone and weak. I take the elevator.
All this adds up to me being proud of myself and hoping that the scale will reflect my hard work. There is a chance that it won't and I'm pretty nervous about my reaction if it doesn't. But for today, I'm hopeful.
And in all this hopefulness and hard work, I've been neglecting to write everything down. I'm thinking of changing the format up a little here and that takes some offline contemplation as well. In the coming weeks I am going to transition out of PT which is going to require a bit more workout planning on my part. Also, if I choose to break up with WW, I'm going to have to devise an alternative there as well. We'll see. I'll keep you posted. *grin*
This month has been hard for me. As I settled into the Weight Watchers rhythm, I remembered why I had to quit the program. Counting points or calories is tedious. WW has done their best to make it not tedious, but no matter how you look at it, you must track each and every morsel that goes in your mouth. Honestly, I spend a lot of time tracking the morsels that don't go in my mouth as well. I get so bogged down with the numbers and the counting that I give up and just stop. I worry that I'm never going to succeed with a program based on tracking and counting because some days I just don't want to. And without consistency I worry that I've bitten off more than I can chew.
That is still not an answer explaining my sudden excitement. Despite my tracking issues, I've done reasonably well keeping my food in check. There was one unfortunate nacho relapse and a few pepperoni snack attacks, but they were limited and I've forgiven myself. I've stuck to my workout goal, managing at least 4 workouts per week. And I walked a 5K this month!
Additionally, I added a goal of skipping the elevator at work. I can honestly stand up and say that I am professionally 6 days elevator free. While I'm still out of breath at the top, I don't feel as though I can't make it. I take my time and conquer each flight as it presents itself. In the interest of full disclosure, I still take the elevator at the hospital's parking garage. Stairwells in garages are not places I like being alone or when I'm feeling weak. I'm at the hospital by myself for physical therapy with makes me by definition alone and weak. I take the elevator.
All this adds up to me being proud of myself and hoping that the scale will reflect my hard work. There is a chance that it won't and I'm pretty nervous about my reaction if it doesn't. But for today, I'm hopeful.
And in all this hopefulness and hard work, I've been neglecting to write everything down. I'm thinking of changing the format up a little here and that takes some offline contemplation as well. In the coming weeks I am going to transition out of PT which is going to require a bit more workout planning on my part. Also, if I choose to break up with WW, I'm going to have to devise an alternative there as well. We'll see. I'll keep you posted. *grin*
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Finding Balance
Yesterday was the first workout of the month. I have a new number to report. A number I am feeling pretty good about. And that number is...
I am down 6 pounds in a month! To say I'm thrilled doesn't quite encompass how truly pleased I am with this result. It's a bit of validation that I'm doing something right. My choices are starting to pay off. I'm losing weight! This number is the lowest number I've seen on the scale since just after my second child was born. That was only 1 1/2 years ago, but what a time it has been!
While the weight lost is something to celebrate, I'm celebrating more than that this month. I have found balance in my current schedule. Gym two days a week. PT two days a week. I can't say this looks like I'd envisioned it, but it's working for me better than anything has in a while. For that I am grateful. I've maintained this routine for 3 weeks now and I'm feeling better mentally and physically. I'll still work to add a 5th workout in there each week, but it feels so good to have a plan and stick to it and feel good when its complete.
There is still fear in me over what this number means and all the numbers to come. I also alternate between worrying and anticipating the end of PT. But those concerns will be there tomorrow and the next day and probably many days to come. Today (and yesterday) I'm just going to reflect a little and enjoy the progress I've made and the balance I've found. I can dream a little today about the months to come. In a happy mode. Ahhh.
233
I am down 6 pounds in a month! To say I'm thrilled doesn't quite encompass how truly pleased I am with this result. It's a bit of validation that I'm doing something right. My choices are starting to pay off. I'm losing weight! This number is the lowest number I've seen on the scale since just after my second child was born. That was only 1 1/2 years ago, but what a time it has been!
While the weight lost is something to celebrate, I'm celebrating more than that this month. I have found balance in my current schedule. Gym two days a week. PT two days a week. I can't say this looks like I'd envisioned it, but it's working for me better than anything has in a while. For that I am grateful. I've maintained this routine for 3 weeks now and I'm feeling better mentally and physically. I'll still work to add a 5th workout in there each week, but it feels so good to have a plan and stick to it and feel good when its complete.
There is still fear in me over what this number means and all the numbers to come. I also alternate between worrying and anticipating the end of PT. But those concerns will be there tomorrow and the next day and probably many days to come. Today (and yesterday) I'm just going to reflect a little and enjoy the progress I've made and the balance I've found. I can dream a little today about the months to come. In a happy mode. Ahhh.
Monday, March 19, 2012
That thing I'm not talking about
I mentioned that I joined Weight Watchers and then I haven't talked about it. At least I haven't given it the attention that I give a lot of other things. It's so much easier to talk about working out and physical therapy and where I'm going from here. There's emotion there, but is a mostly positive and all about me getting better one step at a time.
Why don't I feel that way about Weight Watchers?
At my first real weigh in, last week, I frowned as I read the number on the scale. It was a loss. A not insignificant loss. So why was I frowning? Why did I continue to scowl as I headed to the shower and got myself ready for the day?
There have been so many disappointments over the past 2 decades. To lose weight only means that I'll gain it back at a later date. Life will get busy and I'll be less vigilant and the weight will reappear. That's what happens every time. If I don't lose the weight in the first place, then I don't have to experience the crushing defeat when it comes home.
It's hard to be hopeful. To think that this time will be different. This time I'm working out. The working out became a routine before the dietary changes were tackled. The combination is what makes it all work. Diet and Exercise. Exercise and Diet. I'm doing this the right way.
And I'm terrified. I'm scared it won't work. I'm afraid something else will crop up and get in the way again. To put in all these hours and all this work only to end up back where I am right now. Crushing. Of all the goods and bads in my life so far, the worst seems to hit when I think I've failed. To look at myself and wonder where the deficiency in me came from that this program that works for millions didn't work for me.
These fears I have to work through. Even if I never lose another pound, I have to love myself, who I am and what I can do. I have to learn to do that. If I'm going to succeed in anything, I have to find ways to support myself and overcome the things that side track me. Like me.
But there is one more fear that is almost paralyzing. I have trouble even thinking about it. What happens when I succeed?
Why don't I feel that way about Weight Watchers?
At my first real weigh in, last week, I frowned as I read the number on the scale. It was a loss. A not insignificant loss. So why was I frowning? Why did I continue to scowl as I headed to the shower and got myself ready for the day?
There have been so many disappointments over the past 2 decades. To lose weight only means that I'll gain it back at a later date. Life will get busy and I'll be less vigilant and the weight will reappear. That's what happens every time. If I don't lose the weight in the first place, then I don't have to experience the crushing defeat when it comes home.
It's hard to be hopeful. To think that this time will be different. This time I'm working out. The working out became a routine before the dietary changes were tackled. The combination is what makes it all work. Diet and Exercise. Exercise and Diet. I'm doing this the right way.
And I'm terrified. I'm scared it won't work. I'm afraid something else will crop up and get in the way again. To put in all these hours and all this work only to end up back where I am right now. Crushing. Of all the goods and bads in my life so far, the worst seems to hit when I think I've failed. To look at myself and wonder where the deficiency in me came from that this program that works for millions didn't work for me.
These fears I have to work through. Even if I never lose another pound, I have to love myself, who I am and what I can do. I have to learn to do that. If I'm going to succeed in anything, I have to find ways to support myself and overcome the things that side track me. Like me.
But there is one more fear that is almost paralyzing. I have trouble even thinking about it. What happens when I succeed?
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Workout 120314: Question Answered
Today's workout:
Hip Warmup Stretch
20 min Elliptical (level 2 - Hill Interval)
Side Lunges - 10 reps each side
Hip Abduction - 10 reps 2 set each leg
Modified Side Planks - 3 reps each side with 5 sec hold
Modified Planks - 3 reps with 20 sec hold
Stretch
The question posed yesterday about not returning to physical therapy... It was answered today. I will be going back next week. This morning's side lunges were greeted by pain in my left knee. I was able to modify enough to make the pain go away, but something is still not right there. Then I went to do the Modified Side Planks and my elbow wouldn't support my weight without pain; enough so that I called it quits after 3 of them.
How did I get like this?
All I keep thinking is sedentary job, sedentary hobbies, sedentary life. I have struggled with my weight for years... decades now... but I wasn't in pain. I went hiking with friends. My jobs involved being on my feet for hours in service positions or contorting myself in to inconvenient spaces in computer rooms. My weight wasn't getting in my way. That's why I never fixed it.
Even today it really isn't getting in my way technically. It's a symptom of the lifestyle I have, just like the pain in my knees. But for the first time, I am beginning to see it as an aggravating factor. Maybe I am not getting better as quickly because I have so much extra to whip into shape. Maybe the added impact just makes everything that much harder.
So I'm working on it. I'm proud of the progress I'm making. I'm also proud of the time I've kept at it. But I still have so far to go. It's hard to see that I'll ever reach my goals. Going back to PT? One more step towards making this right.
Hip Warmup Stretch
20 min Elliptical (level 2 - Hill Interval)
Side Lunges - 10 reps each side
Hip Abduction - 10 reps 2 set each leg
Modified Side Planks - 3 reps each side with 5 sec hold
Modified Planks - 3 reps with 20 sec hold
Stretch
The question posed yesterday about not returning to physical therapy... It was answered today. I will be going back next week. This morning's side lunges were greeted by pain in my left knee. I was able to modify enough to make the pain go away, but something is still not right there. Then I went to do the Modified Side Planks and my elbow wouldn't support my weight without pain; enough so that I called it quits after 3 of them.
How did I get like this?
All I keep thinking is sedentary job, sedentary hobbies, sedentary life. I have struggled with my weight for years... decades now... but I wasn't in pain. I went hiking with friends. My jobs involved being on my feet for hours in service positions or contorting myself in to inconvenient spaces in computer rooms. My weight wasn't getting in my way. That's why I never fixed it.
Even today it really isn't getting in my way technically. It's a symptom of the lifestyle I have, just like the pain in my knees. But for the first time, I am beginning to see it as an aggravating factor. Maybe I am not getting better as quickly because I have so much extra to whip into shape. Maybe the added impact just makes everything that much harder.
So I'm working on it. I'm proud of the progress I'm making. I'm also proud of the time I've kept at it. But I still have so far to go. It's hard to see that I'll ever reach my goals. Going back to PT? One more step towards making this right.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Workout 120306: Getting By
Today's workout:
17 min Arc Trainer workout (on whatever level pushing the Quick Start button puts you at)
5 min Stretching
I am so very proud of myself for getting up and into the gym. Having said last week that I didn't break my habit... This week I can say that I did. And I must now get myself going again. While I didn't get in my preferred 45 min workout today. I went to the gym! I made it! I did it!
One day at a time, right?
This week is a little strange. I had to schedule a bunch more PT appointments, but I didn't schedule them in time. For this reason, I have a gap. No PT again until March 14th. In the meantime, I get this week and the beginning of next to see how I do on my own. It's a good opportunity. Let's hope I get a little more time in the gym than I did today and I can pick up my workouts without pain. That would be wonderful progress!
Also, this being my first workout of March, I weighed myself. 239 pounds. I feel a little grr over that, but not so much that I'm discouraged. More of a grr that I have slacked off and no lost weight is a result. March will be better as I'm going to get my routine back. I'm also still working out my goals (and the rewards for meeting them) for the coming months. Lots of thinking leading to lots of doing. :)
17 min Arc Trainer workout (on whatever level pushing the Quick Start button puts you at)
5 min Stretching
I am so very proud of myself for getting up and into the gym. Having said last week that I didn't break my habit... This week I can say that I did. And I must now get myself going again. While I didn't get in my preferred 45 min workout today. I went to the gym! I made it! I did it!
One day at a time, right?
This week is a little strange. I had to schedule a bunch more PT appointments, but I didn't schedule them in time. For this reason, I have a gap. No PT again until March 14th. In the meantime, I get this week and the beginning of next to see how I do on my own. It's a good opportunity. Let's hope I get a little more time in the gym than I did today and I can pick up my workouts without pain. That would be wonderful progress!
Also, this being my first workout of March, I weighed myself. 239 pounds. I feel a little grr over that, but not so much that I'm discouraged. More of a grr that I have slacked off and no lost weight is a result. March will be better as I'm going to get my routine back. I'm also still working out my goals (and the rewards for meeting them) for the coming months. Lots of thinking leading to lots of doing. :)
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Workout 120228: Attitude Adjustment.
Today workout:
Hip Warmup Stretches
28 min Treadmill (top speed 3.2 mph; total dist 1.3 mi)
Hip Abductors - 20 each leg with a 30 sec hold on the 10th lift
Bridges - 10 reps with a 5 sec hold
Butt Muscle Stretch
IT Band Stretch
Hamstring Stretch
Butterfly Stretch
This morning was about as close to perfect and I could hope for. I woke up on time at 4:50am. I packed lunches and made it out the door without any toddler interference. Arriving at the gym by 5:30am, I walked on the treadmill until 6am. At 6am I headed downstairs to do my PT exercises and stretch. At 6:15am, I headed to the showers. By 6:45am, I was in my car headed to work. On time!!! It really does make a difference getting up in the morning on time. I just need to get better at it.
As I was walking this morning, I thought about my running goal. I have really been down about not meeting that goal. REALLY DOWN. The demotivating kind of down that makes it hard to get out of bed and do anything. Some might say depressed. I want my body to be better and I want it to be better now. But I can't have that. It's something I have to accept and deal with. NOW.
So as of today, I am through with that goal. I completed a 5K. I know I can do that. I have independent verification proving that I can do that. Goal met. I made that goal while trying to find an intermediate step in my 100 pound journey. Looking at 100 pounds as a goal is too much. It's too long and too hard. I need another goal. A smaller goal which still gets me in the right direction.
I don't know what that is yet. I'm going to workout 5 days this week, either in the gym or at PT. When my brain is idle I'm going to think on what I'm doing and come up with something. Some motivating goal to get me through the next 2 months or so. I'm thankful I have this time. I'm hopeful that I can get better and reach my longer term goals. I love that I've got this challenge to overcome. This is something I can do.
Hip Warmup Stretches
28 min Treadmill (top speed 3.2 mph; total dist 1.3 mi)
Hip Abductors - 20 each leg with a 30 sec hold on the 10th lift
Bridges - 10 reps with a 5 sec hold
Butt Muscle Stretch
IT Band Stretch
Hamstring Stretch
Butterfly Stretch
This morning was about as close to perfect and I could hope for. I woke up on time at 4:50am. I packed lunches and made it out the door without any toddler interference. Arriving at the gym by 5:30am, I walked on the treadmill until 6am. At 6am I headed downstairs to do my PT exercises and stretch. At 6:15am, I headed to the showers. By 6:45am, I was in my car headed to work. On time!!! It really does make a difference getting up in the morning on time. I just need to get better at it.
As I was walking this morning, I thought about my running goal. I have really been down about not meeting that goal. REALLY DOWN. The demotivating kind of down that makes it hard to get out of bed and do anything. Some might say depressed. I want my body to be better and I want it to be better now. But I can't have that. It's something I have to accept and deal with. NOW.
So as of today, I am through with that goal. I completed a 5K. I know I can do that. I have independent verification proving that I can do that. Goal met. I made that goal while trying to find an intermediate step in my 100 pound journey. Looking at 100 pounds as a goal is too much. It's too long and too hard. I need another goal. A smaller goal which still gets me in the right direction.
I don't know what that is yet. I'm going to workout 5 days this week, either in the gym or at PT. When my brain is idle I'm going to think on what I'm doing and come up with something. Some motivating goal to get me through the next 2 months or so. I'm thankful I have this time. I'm hopeful that I can get better and reach my longer term goals. I love that I've got this challenge to overcome. This is something I can do.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Why 100 Pounds
Ever since I posted my goal of losing 100 pounds, I've wanted to follow it with a post about why 100 pounds. Or maybe what 100 pounds means to me. They are to different questions and I have been able to decide which one deserves attention first. I am prone to analysis paralysis and the area of weight loss is no exception. Tackling these questions, one at a time, will hopefully lead me down the road to a healthy, well-balanced, skinny me. So now for the question.
Why 100 pounds?
The facts are that I am a 5 foot 5 inch woman in my thirties. My healthy weight range is 120 - 150 pounds. With a start weight of 240 pounds, losing 100 pounds is a reasonable and healthy goal.
It is also a shocking goal. I need something shocking to get me moving. I'd rather the reality of 100 pounds shock me into action than a heart attack or diabetes. I have high cholesterol. Heart Disease and Diabetes run in my family. But my parents and grandparents worked active, physical jobs. Their weight didn't begin to be an issue until they moved into more sedentary management positions. My weight was first addressed as an issue in Middle School.
When I was 11 years old, I remember hearing that I had high cholesterol. I wasn't an obese child. My parents were healthy, but family history on both sides showed reason for concern. We changed our diets, limiting eggs and beef, eating lots of fish, swapping out butter for vegetable oil and whole milk for 1%. The dietary change was really irrelevant to me (I liked seafood and never had a taste for butter), but I became aware that I was different and possibly not quite right. That was the beginning of my weight issues. There is no blame; I just recall that being the time period when I went from being a naive happy little kid to knowing about stuff that naive happy healthy little kids just don't know about. And I began to struggle with my weight.
By the time I was 22, I was 100 pounds overweight. I can't tell you when it happened. I quite honestly only noticed it happening peripherally. At this point, I graduated college, got my first job and felt I like I was an adult. I have been approximately this size since then, my entire adult life. How would my life have been different if I hadn't gained the weight? I wasn't idly munching chips for 11 years. I studied and loved and experienced and succeeded. I have succeeded at this weight.
Which brings me back around to the question. Why 100 pounds?
I want to be healthy. At 100 pounds above my ideal weight range, doctors look at my through an obese filter. Many, but thankfully not all, of them can't or won't help me with problems unrelated to my weight because EVERYTHING is linked to my weight. I spent 6 years in pain before finding the right combination of doctors to understand that the pain in my legs was treatable at my PRESENT size. In the process of finding those doctors, gastric bypass was offered multiple times, arthritis was diagnosed without reason, and I was simply written off. Regardless of all tests and symptoms, both of my pregnancies were considered high risk because of my weight. I want to remove this one unhealthy characteristic of me. Then the medical industry to be able to treat me based on my symptoms, not on my size.
The 100 is a bit of a magic number. It is 3 digits which makes it much more impressive than 99. Honestly, if I lose 99 pounds, will I be disappointed? Hell no! If I lose 100 will I just stop? I hope not. If I lose 100 pounds, I will be solidly within my weight range for my age. I will have overcome the stigma of being 100 pounds overweight. I will have proven to the world that I am not lazy. I will have proven to myself that I can. And for the first time I will just be an adult. No weight-related adjectives needed.
Why 100 pounds?
The facts are that I am a 5 foot 5 inch woman in my thirties. My healthy weight range is 120 - 150 pounds. With a start weight of 240 pounds, losing 100 pounds is a reasonable and healthy goal.
It is also a shocking goal. I need something shocking to get me moving. I'd rather the reality of 100 pounds shock me into action than a heart attack or diabetes. I have high cholesterol. Heart Disease and Diabetes run in my family. But my parents and grandparents worked active, physical jobs. Their weight didn't begin to be an issue until they moved into more sedentary management positions. My weight was first addressed as an issue in Middle School.
When I was 11 years old, I remember hearing that I had high cholesterol. I wasn't an obese child. My parents were healthy, but family history on both sides showed reason for concern. We changed our diets, limiting eggs and beef, eating lots of fish, swapping out butter for vegetable oil and whole milk for 1%. The dietary change was really irrelevant to me (I liked seafood and never had a taste for butter), but I became aware that I was different and possibly not quite right. That was the beginning of my weight issues. There is no blame; I just recall that being the time period when I went from being a naive happy little kid to knowing about stuff that naive happy healthy little kids just don't know about. And I began to struggle with my weight.
By the time I was 22, I was 100 pounds overweight. I can't tell you when it happened. I quite honestly only noticed it happening peripherally. At this point, I graduated college, got my first job and felt I like I was an adult. I have been approximately this size since then, my entire adult life. How would my life have been different if I hadn't gained the weight? I wasn't idly munching chips for 11 years. I studied and loved and experienced and succeeded. I have succeeded at this weight.
Which brings me back around to the question. Why 100 pounds?
I want to be healthy. At 100 pounds above my ideal weight range, doctors look at my through an obese filter. Many, but thankfully not all, of them can't or won't help me with problems unrelated to my weight because EVERYTHING is linked to my weight. I spent 6 years in pain before finding the right combination of doctors to understand that the pain in my legs was treatable at my PRESENT size. In the process of finding those doctors, gastric bypass was offered multiple times, arthritis was diagnosed without reason, and I was simply written off. Regardless of all tests and symptoms, both of my pregnancies were considered high risk because of my weight. I want to remove this one unhealthy characteristic of me. Then the medical industry to be able to treat me based on my symptoms, not on my size.
The 100 is a bit of a magic number. It is 3 digits which makes it much more impressive than 99. Honestly, if I lose 99 pounds, will I be disappointed? Hell no! If I lose 100 will I just stop? I hope not. If I lose 100 pounds, I will be solidly within my weight range for my age. I will have overcome the stigma of being 100 pounds overweight. I will have proven to the world that I am not lazy. I will have proven to myself that I can. And for the first time I will just be an adult. No weight-related adjectives needed.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
One Pound Down.
My February weight is 239 pounds.
I would love for it to be lower. Instant gratification is a wonderful thing when you can get it. However, I'm definitely not disheartened by that number. I take it to mean that I'm headed in the right direction and still learning. Also, one pound is one pound. I'm going to have to lose this weight the same way I gained it - one pound at a time. It's kind of symbolic.
Besides the number, I'm working out in the gym or PT 5 times each week. I'm trying to get that up to 6 times (2 PT days, 4 gym days - they may overlap) this month. I've gone from 25-30 min cardio workouts to 35 minutes. I've increased my level on the Arc Trainer from level 1 to 2. Waking up at 5am is definitely getting easier. I even woke up this morning before my alarm went off. That has happened more than once without my children's intervention in January.
Where I'm going with all that is that I'm making changes in my life. They seem to be sticking. And all indicators point to them being the right changes. I still feel the need to defend the number and obsess over it a little. I'm not sure that that will ever go away. So I'm going to give myself a bit of a pep talk and move on. We'll see what next month brings.
I would love for it to be lower. Instant gratification is a wonderful thing when you can get it. However, I'm definitely not disheartened by that number. I take it to mean that I'm headed in the right direction and still learning. Also, one pound is one pound. I'm going to have to lose this weight the same way I gained it - one pound at a time. It's kind of symbolic.
Besides the number, I'm working out in the gym or PT 5 times each week. I'm trying to get that up to 6 times (2 PT days, 4 gym days - they may overlap) this month. I've gone from 25-30 min cardio workouts to 35 minutes. I've increased my level on the Arc Trainer from level 1 to 2. Waking up at 5am is definitely getting easier. I even woke up this morning before my alarm went off. That has happened more than once without my children's intervention in January.
Where I'm going with all that is that I'm making changes in my life. They seem to be sticking. And all indicators point to them being the right changes. I still feel the need to defend the number and obsess over it a little. I'm not sure that that will ever go away. So I'm going to give myself a bit of a pep talk and move on. We'll see what next month brings.
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