Workout 120725: Better Burn

Wednesday's workout:

10 min Treadmill - Hill level 4 - 3.0 mph

10 Squats with 6 lbs
30 sec Plank
10 Bosu Reverse Lunges - each side
10 Modified Push-ups
15 sec Side Plank - each side

3 min Arc Trainer
Repeat Set
5 min Treadmill Cooldown - 2.0 mph
Stretch

Today felt so good.  I was worried about my knee starting out.  It felt shaky from the moment I put weight on it this morning.  Turns out?  I didn't need to worry.  I paid attention to my form in the squats and lunges, put a little padding under my knees when I did the push ups and stopped to stretch each time I felt a twinge.  All went well and this workout left me sweaty, tired and satisfied.

Reverse Lunges turned out to be the surprise of the day for me.  I've been working up to doing them without using my arms to steady myself.  I was able to do the first set with no hand at all.  The second set I got 5 in without my arms, but the last 5 I needed the extra support.  I couldn't keep my balance on the Bosu without hands at the end.  However, still huge progress.  I'm happy, just surprised at how hard they really are.

On a food note, I had the worst snack attack I've had in a long time yesterday.  I've been craving chicken wings lately.  Versus going out and eating a plate of Buffalo wings at a restaurant, I decided to get 2 drummies from the hot bar at Whole Foods.  I also wanted something crunchy, so I picked up a thing of their Spicy Pub Mix - rice crackers, sesame sticks, peanuts, wasabi peas.  I looked for a smaller size, but ended up having to buy the big size.  I know better.

I ate the wings on the way back to work.  I felt really self-conscious driving down the road eating a wing.  All I could think was that I looked like some fat chick chowing down on her way back to the office.  No wonder I'm fat if I gobble up wings all the time.  I know this isn't true, but it was where my brain went.  I was judging about me based on my assumption of what others might be thinking and that is just no good.  Who knows what they are thinking?  Certainly not me.  And really?  I'm sure their thinking about my chicken wing habit.  That train of thought is still bugging me.

Upon returning to my office, I measured out my serving of the Spicy Pub Mix and put the rest in my cabinet for some other time.  From that point forward, I could not stop thinking about it.  I never just pulled out the container and started eating, but only just barely.  Finally after an hour of grabbing another tablespoon, eating it, not being satisfied, obsessing and repeating, I took the snack mix and put it out in the community area of my office.  It was far enough away from me that I didn't have to think about it any more.  No lasting damage, but my head was in a very bad place.  Removing the food short circuited it thankfully.  I just hate that I get that way over food.  Or anything really...

Next time I have a craving for wings, I'm simply going to go to a restaurant and order the damn wings.  I'll eat them with blue cheese and enjoy them.  Then I can be done and not go through this ordeal again. 

Workout 120718: Too Early for Pleasantries

This morning my oldest girl, Bean, woke me up at 4:15am.  She'd had an accident and needed help getting cleaned up and back to bed.  In the 15 minutes it took me to get her squared away, I woke up.  My bed looked so inviting and any time you wake a see something less than a 7 as the first number on the alarm clock...  Let's just say I am extremely, immensely, gigantically proud of myself for not crawling back in bed and ignoring my alarm clock.

Instead, I turned off my alarm clock before it had a chance to disturb the peace in my house, put on my workout clothes and did this:

15 min Elliptical - Cross Trainer Setting

30 sec Side Plank - each side
10 sec Bosu Plank x2
30 sec Plank (on elbows)
15 Abductors - each side
10 Glute Press - each side
10 Adductors - each side

3 min Jump Rope (68 successful jumps)

10 Squats with 6 lb
20 Crunch Bird Dogs - each side
10 Swiss Ball Bridges with pull in (While in the bridge, pull the Swiss Ball in using feet, then push it back out and lower)

3 min Jumping Jacks (60 total - done if 6 sets of 10)

10 Walking Lunges
30 sec Swiss Ball Wall Sit
10 Bridges with 5 count hold

5 min Treadmill Cooldown
Stretch

I'm glad I got up and got to the gym.  I was tired.  I still am tired, but I'm thinking that is just an artifact of my life at this point.  Working full-time.  Two little kids.  Getting to the gym doesn't get easier, I just get used to it.  Everyday I do what I can do make sure the next day hasn't been sabotaged.  Pack my gym bag.  Do laundry.  Pick out clothes for my kids.  Pack lunches.  Get to bed.  I have a mission to lose 100 pounds.  There isn't a lot of room for other things in my life.  This takes up so much of my time.

And I'm increasingly grateful for the quiet time with myself the gym offers.  Most people working out at 5am are quiet.  They are there for the same reason I am.  It isn't social hour.  Get in.  Get it done.  Get on with your day.  I spent an hour this morning working out and I didn't speak to another person beyond saying hi as we passed each other.  I'm not generally anti-social, but it's an absolutely luxury to be alone with myself these days.

I never used to be comfortable alone.  Even when I hated living in a loud house with intrusive siblings, being alone was so unsettling.  I avoided it.  To a fault.  I would seek out bad company versus spending time in my own head.  With life so busy, now I truly cherish the times that I have when no one else is awake.  That time is more rejuvenating than the hour of sleep I could have gotten instead.  Maybe this is the key to keeping the funk at bay.  The workouts are good for me, mind, body and soul, but maybe half of that good is simply being unplugged from everyone else's lives.  Time for me to just be me.  It's one luxury I'm not sure I can live without.

I found this video last week on how to be alone.  The video is beautiful in and of itself, but the message is beautiful as well.  Spend time by yourself.  Learn to enjoy it.  It's definitely something I wish I had done before I had kids.  While it's too late for that, I certainly can cherish the moments of solitude I am able to attain now.

Disconnect

Surrounded by friends, I heard myself laughing.  I'm not sad all the time.  Or maybe it is more accurate to say not all of me is sad.  There are parts which are still kicking butt and have a grand time.  Even when I feel overwhelmingly sad, not all of me is sad.  Maybe that is what resides in the empty place.  When I don't fill it in, the sadness has a little more space to take up.  It's just a little more noticeable.

That's better than being just sad.  I can deal with that.  I can get back on track and make progress despite this ache that doesn't want to go away.  There's no disrespect implied by setting the sadness to the side for a little while and feeling something else.  It gets incorporated and can stay right where it is in its rightful place alongside all my other emotions.  Why does this one of all of them seem to reprehensible to me?  It's just a feeling.

Today I have PT.  It's my last PT appointment.  Hopefully ever.  I can't say I feel as though I'm finishing strong, but I do feel like I'm done.  Today's appointment will hopefully reaffirm that.  the only very mild regret I have is not getting my abs strong enough to get my feet under the stick in the reverse curl.  That will be a goal in the coming months.  My therapist swears that it is possible and multiple people have demonstrated it.  I just can't quite seem to get there yet.  I will get there.

Next week the kids are back to day care and my life settles back into its usual pattern.  My foot has been feeling pretty good all week, not perfect, but much better.  These are the final excuses I'm using to not go to the gym.  It's time to kick them to the curb.  Plus I have an appointment with the personal trainer on July 11th.  I need to be ready for that.  Next week I'll be back in the gym 3 times per week.  I know it is under my 4 times per week goal, but after a month off I think it is a good goal.

Could this be me getting back on track?  I certainly hope so.

Don't beat yourself up

If yesterday was dark, today is darker.  I weighed in and the numbers went in the wrong direction.  First time that's happened since I quit Weight Watchers.  It was inevitable.  I'm not only feeling unsurprised but somewhat justified in seeing what I figured would happen eventually.  It always happens, right?

When talking about fears and feelings, these are the ones that reach in and strangle me.  To dull the ache, I remind myself this is just the way my life works.  I suck it up and keep moving simply because there is no other choice being offered.  I'm a victim to life.  I start getting mad because I'm being a ninnie.  I shove myself around until I get back to some arbitrary functional measurement.  In time, I can ignore the feelings long enough for them to be reabsorbed.  Once they are buried again, their teeth don't hurt so much.

This time is different.  I'm not being allowed to shut up and push myself back to where I was.  I didn't ask to change this pattern, but a few things changed when I wasn't looking.  First I started writing.  I've always kept a private journal.  But it is for me in the moment.  Even there I tend to record happy or angry moments.  There isn't a lot of the in between.  I don't write about the painful middle when I'm not taking action.  Yesterday I wrote about that moment.

Second, I asked my husband to let me lose my temper and get mad.  It sounds strange, but I haven't let that happen in years.  Not externally.  It wasn't my husband's fault that I suppressed all the negative emotions.  I just didn't want to fight.  Between babies and work and life, I didn't have the energy to deal with the intensity of those emotions.  I put a cap on my temper and sadness and frantic energy.  It was draining, but it wasn't as draining as I thought dealing with being out of control would be. So I utilized the same skills I leverage at work to distance myself at home.  It worked in that we didn't fight.

And then it didn't.  I came up with a big goal.  That goal is sapping time and energy from maintaining my cool.  It's requiring me to dig deeper and reorganize my life and my comforting patterns.  I'm getting mad.  At myself.  At my family.  At my life.  I've caught myself lashing out against the people who love me the most.  And I'm sad and tired too much of the time.  Everything is out of whack and I'm not handling it well.  I'm not happy with myself.  Again.

"If it is okay for you to beat yourself up, it becomes okay for you to beat up everyone around you.  It's not okay."

These words have echoed in my head for days now.  Following my last outburst, I was told that I was loved and everything was fine, but the lashing out was not okay.  It might be tolerated and part of the process, but I need to be aware of it and be working on it.  Because it was not okay to treat anyone that way.  It was particularly not okay to treat myself that way.

Love yourself.  Nurture yourself.  Understand yourself.  It takes time.  And patience.  And precious energy.  I'm not going to continue my wallow.  But I'm not going to stomp on myself this time.  This is a process.  A long one.  I'm in a low and that is okay.  I can already see changes happening.  I've been here before and the days will lighten up again.  While it lasts, I can be patient and give myself a chance to sort through some of the baggage of a dark day.  If I take the chance now, maybe there will be a little less there the next time I find myself in this place.

Just Keep Swimming

Yesterday I felt like Dori.  I was all over the place.  No focus on the moment.   And not able to deal in the past or future very well.  Over the last week, I've left my PT clothes sitting on my dresser, my wallet in the girls diaper bag and my keys in the front door.  I'll never claim to be the most put together person, but this is ridiculous.

And I all I could tell myself was to keep on keepin' on.

With each iteration of crazy, I get a good thing out of it.  I become better at detecting, monitoring and redirecting the crazy.  With the lack of focus I was experiencing yesterday afternoon, I took off an hour early from work, went home and sorted the mail.  That's right.  Of all the things I could do with an hour, I chose to sort mail.

I poured a nice cup of ice water.  All my mail just barely fit in the wall basket in my kitchen.  I carried it to the family room and spread all the mail out on my sofa.  I popped Season 6 Smashed from Buffy the Vampire Slayer into the DVD player (my TV obsession of choice).  Pulling the recycle bins and shred bin over ensured that I did not have to get up for any reason.  And for the next 40 minutes I sorted mail in the quiet of my own home.  With no interruptions.

It was awesome.  When the mail was finished I had a few extra minutes on the episode so I sat and massaged my feet with a tennis ball.  Ahhh.  That was even better than getting through the mail!

And I got my zen back.  I'm by no means caught up but for the rest of the evening I wasn't a spaz-cadet.  I took my girls to Chick-fil-A for dinner and let them burn off 45 minutes of energy in the play place.  We did the whole bedtime ritual peacefully.  I got the laundry sorted and a load put in the washer.  I cleaned the mountain of greens our CSA provided this week.  I savored one chocolate chip cookie.  I watched one more episode of Buffy (Season 6 Wreaked) while doing a few PT exercises to warmup.  I stretched out my very sore legs and rolled my IT band.  I went to bed content.

I feel productive again.  Or maybe my limited control over my schedule has been reattained.  Whatever gives me this peaceful productive I-can-do-anything feeling is back.  And it is welcome to stay as long as it likes.

Low Point

Off schedule post...  I need to vent.

I've reached overload point.  Or overwhelmed capacity.  I don't know.  It all sums up to I am trying to do a lot and have stopped doing any of it.  The working out, you know about.  But other parts of my life are starting to suffer.  I was just looking at the nutrition data for Chick-fil-A because that's where we are getting dinner tonight.  I can't even consider cooking.  The thought of doing so makes me sweat.  And it is not even 2pm.  Then I have work, laundry, bills and ... oh yeah...  work.

I have to get to work.  But I also have to spend tonight doing some breathing and sorting out how I am going to get out from under the mountain of behind I have gotten myself into.  There is only one way and that is to tackle one thing at a time.  But which thing and when and the feeling of futility is starting to make me stall.  It feels like everyday I get a little further behind and there isn't an end in sight for any of it.  After all it is my life.  I'm not really looking for an end, you know...

This happens.  Life gets busy and things slip.  I've gotten off track and back on before, but I need to get on track soon before I derail more of my good practices staggering under the weight of catching up.  My husband says everything is fine and I just need to settle down.  It will all workout.  But I hate this feeling of crazy.  I just need everything to slow down.  Just for a minute.

Any suggestions when you find yourself behind?  What makes you feel like you can do it all again?

Hehee.  Mountain of Behind.  That's awesome.

PT: Day 31

Wednesday afternoon's PT session included:

6 min Elliptical - level 4
Reverse Curl with Stick - 15 reps
Monster Walk with Red Band
Backwards Monster Walk with Red Band
Bosu Superman (Swiss Ball removed) - 10 reps each side
Leg Extensions with Band (similar to Bird Dogs, but I wasn't strong enough to stretch out my arms with the band involved) - 20 reps each side
Side Lunges - 10 reps each side
Squats with 10 Pound weight - 10 reps
Lunges - 6 reps each side (new and WOWWOWWOW - Ow.)
Plank - 3 reps 20 sec each
Side Plank - 2 reps 20 sec each
Bridges with Kickout - 5 reps
Adductors - 5 reps with 5 sec hold (new exercise to strengthen my left leg specifically)

Yesterday was my last re-evaluation.  My left side still needs a bit of work, but I've learned what I need to know.  I'm being released from physical therapy next week.  One more appointment and I'm officially on my own.  It's a little lot scary to know that I have to make this happen for myself now.

When I first started PT, I couldn't walk up a flight of stairs without pain.  Today I still have occasional pain but I understand it and readjust.  Five months ago, I could not order my glut to move my leg.  Today I can properly exercise that muscle group to exhaustion.  The first time we tested my abdominal strength I held a crunch for 12 seconds.  In this most recent evaluation, she stopped the timer at 45 seconds when I hadn't dropped.

My biggest fear is that I'll end up back where I started.  The pain will return.  The weight will come back.  My muscles will stop working.  I'll give up, a lost cause.  I can argue with those fears until I'm blue in the face.  It makes no difference.  Logically, I know I can't end up in the same place.  That doesn't stop me from being scared of returning to that place.  It would be my ultimate nightmare.  Reliving the same struggle over and over with no one but myself to blame.

What I'm doing here - analyzing my diet, documenting my workouts - is my fear anecdote.  I'm capturing the process I'm using to get from that scary painful unhealthy place to where ever I'm headed.  Should I find that I'm back sliding I have tools to dig myself out again.

However, the quickest way to keep the fear at bay?  Don't backslide.  I'm working on that one right now.

Workout 120601: FIVE!!!

My FIFTH workout of the week was:

35 min Treadmill walk (totaling 1.6 miles)
Stretch

Um, yeah.  I went to the gym this morning.  I really wasn't feeling it, but I was so sore I figured that moving was the only thing that would help.  I'm glad I did go, but man my heart was not into this morning.

But...  I went to the gym all FIVE mornings this week!!!  That surpasses my goal of 4 workouts a week and sets the standard for what I can accomplish in the post PT era.  I'm proud of myself for following through on my routine and really pushing during my workouts earlier in the week.  The biggest factors in making this happen were having my gym bag packed and ready to go the night before and getting to bed on time.

Not that getting to bed on time was all that hard.  I have been beat the past couple of days.  Last night I went to bed at 8pm a few minutes after my 3 year old laid down.  I'm not even sure she was asleep when I passed out.  I'm starting to wonder if I might be cutting my calories a little too lean during the week.  I make up for it with overages on the weekends, but maybe I'd have more control if I didn't limit quite so much during the week.

Either way, it is something I'll be thinking on going into next week.  My monthly weigh-in is on Wednesday and I've definitely looking forward to it.  It is good to know that I'm making progress for all the work that I'm putting in.  Those results in conjunction with how I've been feeling will help determine my course for the month to come.  More than anything I hope I maintain the happy I've achieved.  It's almost better than the weight loss.  Almost, but not quite.  :)

Workout 120507: Time Off

Monday's Workout:

10 min Treadmill Warmup
3 min Rowing Machine (2 1:30min legs)
15 min Elliptical
Hip Abductors (10 Reps 3 Sets each leg)
Bridges (10 Reps with 5 sec hold)
Stretch (Aaahhhh)

This morning I felt good. The good feeling is coming from a full life being worked hard to meet my goals. I like it! My body is feeling reasonably good right now. I reserve great for when I no longer need physical therapy. My diet is decent and, for this weekend, I just allowed myself to eat what I wanted. I feel as though I made some good decisions, but I can also see that I need to track my food intake if I'm going to succeed in the long run. Snack sneak up on you so quickly!

This weekend's break was rejuvenating. I needed it. But now I'm back to work. You know what? It also feels good to have work to do.

My non-break

I haven't fallen off the wagon.  Just in case you were wondering.  I'm still here.  I'm sticking to my goals and I'm seeing progress.  Just how much progress will be determined in another 2 days.  My monthly weigh-in is coming up and I'm honestly looking forward to it.  How can I look forward to something I normally dread?

This month has been hard for me.  As I settled into the Weight Watchers rhythm, I remembered why I had to quit the program.  Counting points or calories is tedious.  WW has done their best to make it not tedious, but no matter how you look at it, you must track each and every morsel that goes in your mouth.  Honestly, I spend a lot of time tracking the morsels that don't go in my mouth as well.  I get so bogged down with the numbers and the counting that I give up and just stop.  I worry that I'm never going to succeed with a program based on tracking and counting because some days I just don't want to.  And without consistency I worry that I've bitten off more than I can chew.

That is still not an answer explaining my sudden excitement.  Despite my tracking issues, I've done reasonably well keeping my food in check.  There was one unfortunate nacho relapse and a few pepperoni snack attacks, but they were limited and I've forgiven myself.  I've stuck to my workout goal, managing at least 4 workouts per week.  And I walked a 5K this month!

Additionally, I added a goal of skipping the elevator at work.  I can honestly stand up and say that I am professionally 6 days elevator free.  While I'm still out of breath at the top, I don't feel as though I can't make it.  I take my time and conquer each flight as it presents itself.  In the interest of full disclosure, I still take the elevator at the hospital's parking garage.  Stairwells in garages are not places I like being alone or when I'm feeling weak.  I'm at the hospital by myself for physical therapy with makes me by definition alone and weak.  I take the elevator.

All this adds up to me being proud of myself and hoping that the scale will reflect my hard work.  There is a chance that it won't and I'm pretty nervous about my reaction if it doesn't.  But for today, I'm hopeful.

And in all this hopefulness and hard work, I've been neglecting to write everything down.  I'm thinking of changing the format up a little here and that takes some offline contemplation as well.  In the coming weeks I am going to transition out of PT which is going to require a bit more workout planning on my part.  Also, if I choose to break up with WW, I'm going to have to devise an alternative there as well.  We'll see.  I'll keep you posted.  *grin*

PT: Day 20

Wednesday's PT overhaul:

6 min Elliptical - Level 4
Reevaluation
Hip Warm-up Stretch
Reverse Curl with Stick - 20 reps
Cage stretch
Assisted Squats - 5 reps (40 pounds of assistance)
Modified Side Planks - 3 reps each side for 30 sec
Modified Planks - 2 reps for 30 sec
Side Lunges on Bosu - 10 each side

First thing...  I haven't been blogging all my PT visits.  I know.  Hopefully I'm nearing the end of PT, but in the meantime my progress feels frustrating and slow.  20 visits to PT and everyone knows my name.  They know my kids' names.  I know where they live.  And when they're having a bad day.  Not just my therapist, but a couple of the others as well.  I'm nearing the end of my 4th month of PT.  A lot has changed for me physically and emotionally.  And I'm worried about PT becoming a crutch.  I can't stay there forever.  Eventually I have to work through this and move on.  It's a lot of baggage.

Now for the actual workout... The Assisted Squat was something I'd been introduced to in the past, but wasn't deemed ready for.  My tendency when doing squats it to compensate by leaning forward too much.  It simply isn't the right way to do a squat.  My weak gluts are causing the bad form so this exercise adds weight to help them out.  The weight is attached to two pulleys which I hold onto with my arms.  Then I lower into the squat.  I'm unsteady enough that the therapist stands behind me to make sure I don't fall backwards.

Wednesday I was reevaluated.  I'm doing well, but my coccyx is still sore most days and my knees have begun to feel tender again.  There is a balance somewhere in all this I have not attained yet.  For the coccyx I continue working and we hope.  For the knees, I'm to reduce the treadmill incline to 0 for the next few weeks.  First to see if it helps, second to give my gluts a break.  Adding the incline makes them work harder and the suspicion is that they are just giving up.

PT: Day 18

Thursday's PT regimen:

6 min Elliptical level 4
Swiss Ball Squats - 14 reps with 5 sec hold
Bird Dogs with Stick - 20 reps each side
Reverse Curl with Stick (was: Leg Lifts with Arms Raised) - 15 reps
Side Steps with Band
Assisted Crunches on Swiss Ball - 2 sets 10 repsModified Planks - 3 reps with 30 sec hold
Modified Side Planks - 3 reps each side with 20 sec hold
Cage Stretch

Thursday I got a massage.  I want to say it was awesome, but I can't really say it was awesome when every motion my therapist made burned with the heat of a thousand suns!  OW!  Ow! OW!  It was awesome.

Apparently my collection of butt muscles is a mess.  They are all weak and tense and not doing what they should be doing.  Due to the mess, they are sore.  Not just walking around achy sore, but "please don't touch me or I'm going to punch you in the face" sore.  Did the PT cause this?  No.  Was I functioning prior to the PT? Yes.  Was this pain there the whole time?  Yes.  Why am I only dealing with this now?  Ugh.

I've hurt for so long.  Not a hurt so intense that I need pain killers or can't function on a day-to-day basis.  I just hurt.  Through trial and error and tears, I've learned what motions hurt and what parts of my body are overly sensitive.  I avoid the painful motions and protect the sensitive spots.  It doesn't make it go away, but I've dealt with it, managed it.  And I've avoided thinking about it.

Thinking or talking about this kind of pain is hard.  It is a constant in my life and makes me feel vulnerable and weak.  These are feelings that I can't afford on a daily basis.  Or I believed I couldn't afford.  If someone caught a glimpse of it, I would quickly derail the conversation while quashing the tears that came to my eyes.  The mere suggestion that I address this pain with another human being was utterly overwhelming.  So I accepted it.  I accepted that this was just the way my body was and I moved on.  This was my normal.

I'm defining a new normal these days.

Workout 120404: Progress

Today's workout:

Hip Warmup Stretch
30 min Elliptical (interval setting)
5 min Treadmill cooldown
Hip Abductors (10 reps 3 sets each leg)
Bridges (15 reps with 5 sec hold)
Stretch

Today felt good.  I was able to complete 30 minutes on the same Elliptical machine that had me crying for mercy a few weeks ago.  Woohoo!!!  I'm thrilled to be making progress.  I still have to focus on my motion when I'm on the Elliptical but I didn't have any pain.  I'm really starting to think we might be figuring all this out in my physical therapy sessions.  Such a relief!

Supporting my good feeling this morning, I actually got everything on my nightly must do list done last night.  A few months ago I spent 4 weeks following FlyLady's recommendations pretty closely.  I can't say that I completed a step everyday.  And I definitely didn't make it to the end of the list.  But after a month, I started to understand that I really did need to prep for the next day each evening.  Without that prep, my days fall apart so quickly.  Maybe that is part of running a house, or being a full-time working mom, or just being a human being.  I have no idea.  But the past couple of nights I've really pushed to get all the tasks done on my list including being in bed at 9:30pm.  Last night I succeeded and it makes such a difference in starting the next day.

I'm reaching the gushing point so I'm going to stop.  I'm happy right now.  I might make a new happy tag to link all my posts where I just love life.  I definitely need to remember this feeling on the days when I feel crushed.  It's pretty awesome!

Finding Balance

Yesterday was the first workout of the month.  I have a new number to report.  A number I am feeling pretty good about.  And that number is...

233

I am down 6 pounds in a month!  To say I'm thrilled doesn't quite encompass how truly pleased I am with this result.  It's a bit of validation that I'm doing something right.  My choices are starting to pay off.  I'm losing weight!  This number is the lowest number I've seen on the scale since just after my second child was born.  That was only 1 1/2 years ago, but what a time it has been!

While the weight lost is something to celebrate, I'm celebrating more than that this month.  I have found balance in my current schedule.  Gym two days a week.  PT two days a week.  I can't say this looks like I'd envisioned it, but it's working for me better than anything has in a while.  For that I am grateful.  I've maintained this routine for 3 weeks now and I'm feeling better mentally and physically.  I'll still work to add a 5th workout in there each week, but it feels so good to have a plan and stick to it and feel good when its complete.

There is still fear in me over what this number means and all the numbers to come.  I also alternate between worrying and anticipating the end of PT.  But those concerns will be there tomorrow and the next day and probably many days to come.  Today (and yesterday) I'm just going to reflect a little and enjoy the progress I've made and the balance I've found.  I can dream a little today about the months to come.  In a happy mode.  Ahhh.

Workout 120328: Up Early

Today's workout:

Hip Warmup Stretch
30 min Elliptical (interval setting)
5 min Treadmill cooldown (1.8 mph 1.0 incline)
Hip Abductors (10 reps 3 sets each leg)
Bridges (15 reps with 5 sec hold)
Stretch

This morning my oldest child woke up at 4am screaming "I do want chocolate milk!" at the top of her lungs.  I haven't a clue what it was about, but it went on for over a half an hour.  By the time the screaming died down, I was up.  So I headed to the gym early.  Even arriving at 5:10am there were still 10 cars in the lot in front of me.  I love that the gym isn't empty when I get there.  I feel a little less crazy for getting up so early.

Needless to say, my workout was done in record time.  My shower and prep time was leisurely.  I even got to work on time with no traffic.  I begin to see why people continue to get up in the dark hours of the morning, even after their children sleep through the night.  It was a leisurely morning and I love not being rushed.  What a wonderful start to today!

Just don't tell my 3 year old that.

Workout 120321: More good

Today's workout:

Hip Warmup Stretch
30 min Treadmill (3.0 mph hill setting)
Hip Abductors (10 reps 3 sets each leg)
Bridges (15 reps with 5 sec hold)
Stretch

Did you see what I did there?  Did you?  I increased the number of set of Hip Abductors that I do AND I added more reps to my Bridges.  I'm getting stronger!!!

I was so down last week.  So very very down.  Sometimes it really doesn't feel like I'm ever going to get better and work through all this.  This being the emotional, physical baggage of being where I am right now.  I only got 2 workouts in and the second left me feeling deflated.  I worried and fretted and, honestly, gave in to a big old case of self-pity.

And then this week came.  It's Wednesday and I've been following my plan.  Eating Reasonably.  Making it to the gym on time.  Getting my work done at work.  Waking up on time (thanks to a second alarm I added to my morning kick start program).  I'm happy.  And proud of the progress I'm making.

I love this feeling.

That thing I'm not talking about

I mentioned that I joined Weight Watchers and then I haven't talked about it.  At least I haven't given it the attention that I give a lot of other things.  It's so much easier to talk about working out and physical therapy and where I'm going from here.  There's emotion there, but is a mostly positive and all about me getting better one step at a time.

Why don't I feel that way about Weight Watchers?

At my first real weigh in, last week, I frowned as I read the number on the scale.  It was a loss.  A not insignificant loss.  So why was I frowning?  Why did I continue to scowl as I headed to the shower and got myself ready for the day?

There have been so many disappointments over the past 2 decades.  To lose weight only means that I'll gain it back at a later date.  Life will get busy and I'll be less vigilant and the weight will reappear.  That's what happens every time.  If I don't lose the weight in the first place, then I don't have to experience the crushing defeat when it comes home.

It's hard to be hopeful.  To think that this time will be different.  This time I'm working out.  The working out became a routine before the dietary changes were tackled.  The combination is what makes it all work.  Diet and Exercise.  Exercise and Diet.  I'm doing this the right way.

And I'm terrified.  I'm scared it won't work.  I'm afraid something else will crop up and get in the way again.  To put in all these hours and all this work only to end up back where I am right now.  Crushing.  Of all the goods and bads in my life so far, the worst seems to hit when I think I've failed.  To look at myself and wonder where the deficiency in me came from that this program that works for millions didn't work for me.

These fears I have to work through.  Even if I never lose another pound, I have to love myself, who I am and what I can do.  I have to learn to do that.  If I'm going to succeed in anything, I have to find ways to support myself and overcome the things that side track me.  Like me.

But there is one more fear that is almost paralyzing.  I have trouble even thinking about it.  What happens when I succeed?

Workout 120220: Repose

Following my 5K, I needed a break so I took one.  Today I returned to the gym with:

20 min Ellpitcal workout (weight loss program)
2 min Rowing Machine
30 sec Rest
1 min Rowing Machine
Hip Abduction (2 sets of 10 reps each leg with 15 sec hold on the 10th lift)
Bridges (15 reps with 5 sec hold; 15 sec hold on the 15th lift)
5 min stretch

When you are visibly physically unfit (read obese), there is a lot of urgency placed on changing you.  What you SHOULD be doing is often offered to you regardless of your opinion or goals or situation.  Doctors do it.  Friends and Family do it.  Co-workers do it.  Even the occasional stranger waiting in line behind you at the grocery store do it.  Television and magazines all offer up ways to make the change happen faster.  The dialog is very urgent and demanding.  It's exhausting.

I worried about taking a week off from my exercise routine.  I've read that it takes 6 weeks to build a habit and 1 week to tear it down.  I've been working on this workout routine for 5 months.  I've taken a 1 week break one other time, over Thanksgiving.  Without deciding my opinion on the damage a week off would do, I took one.

And it was TOTALLY worth it.

I needed a break from goals and disappointments and plans for completing the next thing.  I finished the 5K which was emotionally and physically draining and exhilarating.  Just writing the post about completing it had me crying all over again!  I even took a break from PT on Thursday.  Having new pain spring up a couple of weeks ago in the form of an inflamed coccyx (tailbone) really messed me up more than I thought.

It is frustrating to move 2 steps forward and 1 step back over and over.  Intellectually I know it is progress, but emotionally I want to see the change NOW.  I want to prove to everyone, including myself, that I CAN DO THIS!  I am serious.  I am not just making excuses!

So I took my week.  And today I returned to the gym.  Habit unbroken.  Whew!

PT: Day 7

Thursday's workout:

6min Elliptical Warmup on level 3
Warmup Hip Stretches
Side Steps - 60in each direction
Bosu Squats - 20 reps with 5 sec hold
Leg Extension - 30 reps each leg
One Legged Squat and Place - 7 cones now so 14 squats per leg
Swiss Ball Bridges - 20 with 5 sec hold
Cage Stretch

PT was frustrating yesterday.  I guess there has to be a day every once in a while to show you how far you still have to do.  Yesterday was that day.  I went in tired and went home tired.  I didn't cry, but I wanted to.  I kind of wish that I had; it might have felt good to have a little release.  But the moment passed and I'm moving on.

Turns out I've been doing the Leg Extension and Swiss Ball Bridges incorrectly.  And I'm doing something with my right hip to compensate for my weaker left hip when I side stepping.  Grr.  My therapist will be watching me closer next week.  My progress is good, but there is still work to be done.  It's good that I'm in therapy because it is surprisingly hard to tell that you are performing a motion incorrectly.  Isolating specific muscles is also strange.  Sometimes I have to pause and think about the motion I'm trying to perform for a full 10 sec before I can make my body do it.  Very interesting.

But more on the issues.  The Leg Extension is supposed to work the glut.  Using the machine, it is supposed to isolate the glut.  I haven't been performing it correctly so I've been working the quad and hamstring and hip and back... pretty much everything but the glut.  The motion of revised yesterday and for the first time I really felt it work the muscle it's supposed to work.  But I really have a concentrate on what I am doing.  All my other muscles are there ready to compensate if I stop paying attention for a minute.  Now I have to extend my leg back to where it is almost straight and then squeeze in my butt cheek.  Hopefully since I felt it Thursday I can replicate it at Monday's appointment.

The same problem exists for the Swiss Ball Bridges.  I'm working the hamstrings to exhaustion and not the glut.  When I lift my butt up off the table, I don't have to lift as far.  the focus is on getting a squeeze in my butt and not using my hamstrings to complete the motion.  This one is actually harder than expected.  I can see why they started me with the Leg Extension.

And for side steps, my right hip is cramping, but my left hip is the weaker one.  When I do the One Legged Squat and Place I can feel the weakness of the left hip.  In that exercise the right cannot compensate.  But in the side step there is something I'm doing that puts all the work on my right side and my left doesn't even get tired.  I guess it is no wonder the right is stronger if I'm working it that much harder.  At Monday's appointment the therapist is going to watch me more closely during this exercise to determine what is going on.

For the icing on the cake, my tail bone is still hurting.  I'm not sure what to make of that.  I sit all day long and it just isn't getting anymore comfortable.  I think I'm going to have to get that checked on as well.  Might as well get it all fixed while I'm at it, right


As negative as I might sound writing about all this, I am thankful to have the opportunity to get better.  My work, husband and insurance are all contributing heavily to get me healthy.  For that I am grateful.  That grateful feeling just doesn't make PT suck less.  But I'm going to stop complaining now and get on with the day.  Tomorrow is my first 5K and I think to mark the occasion I might just have to put some pictures up here. 

Thoughts on Walking a 5K

I am 3 days from my 5K.  One of the women at work will be running it ahead of me (because I'm not running it) and told me no matter what to enjoy the experience.  "You will never have a first 5K again."

*shudder*

While the statement was meant to be supportive and encouraging, it really brought up a lot of apprehension for me.  I am walking into my first 5K under doctor's orders not to run.  While I set my goal at finishing a 5K and not dying, there is a competitive part of me that wants to do well in completing this goal.  Somewhere in my mind, I am an Olympic class athlete and I'll show up unknown to the 5K only to blow away the competition and take first place.


Not going to happen.


I know this.  It's not news, but it is a little hard to swallow.  My goal is to FINISH A 5K.  I will do that.  I just need to not beat myself up for quite possibly finishing it in last place.  That's the hard pill to swallow.  By not running, jogging or otherwise speeding to the finish, I may be the person to finish LAST.  Everyone will be there standing at the end waiting for the slow poke to finally get across the line.  My husband. My daughters. The other 499 registered runners.



Wow.  Check out my negative thinking.


My hope going into this is that there are a couple of others who will be walking.  That way I will have company at the back of the pack.  Additionally, my coworker has said that she is going to comeback and find me after she finishes and finish the race with me (she runs marathons, so this is completely within her range of ability).  That is very kind of her and not an offer I will refuse at this point.

I must remind myself that 3 months ago when I decided to do this, I couldn't walk a 5K.  I knew I couldn't do it.  My progress is fantastic.  My outlook is improving.  My pride just needs a little adjustment right now.