PT: Day 18

Thursday's PT regimen:

6 min Elliptical level 4
Swiss Ball Squats - 14 reps with 5 sec hold
Bird Dogs with Stick - 20 reps each side
Reverse Curl with Stick (was: Leg Lifts with Arms Raised) - 15 reps
Side Steps with Band
Assisted Crunches on Swiss Ball - 2 sets 10 repsModified Planks - 3 reps with 30 sec hold
Modified Side Planks - 3 reps each side with 20 sec hold
Cage Stretch

Thursday I got a massage.  I want to say it was awesome, but I can't really say it was awesome when every motion my therapist made burned with the heat of a thousand suns!  OW!  Ow! OW!  It was awesome.

Apparently my collection of butt muscles is a mess.  They are all weak and tense and not doing what they should be doing.  Due to the mess, they are sore.  Not just walking around achy sore, but "please don't touch me or I'm going to punch you in the face" sore.  Did the PT cause this?  No.  Was I functioning prior to the PT? Yes.  Was this pain there the whole time?  Yes.  Why am I only dealing with this now?  Ugh.

I've hurt for so long.  Not a hurt so intense that I need pain killers or can't function on a day-to-day basis.  I just hurt.  Through trial and error and tears, I've learned what motions hurt and what parts of my body are overly sensitive.  I avoid the painful motions and protect the sensitive spots.  It doesn't make it go away, but I've dealt with it, managed it.  And I've avoided thinking about it.

Thinking or talking about this kind of pain is hard.  It is a constant in my life and makes me feel vulnerable and weak.  These are feelings that I can't afford on a daily basis.  Or I believed I couldn't afford.  If someone caught a glimpse of it, I would quickly derail the conversation while quashing the tears that came to my eyes.  The mere suggestion that I address this pain with another human being was utterly overwhelming.  So I accepted it.  I accepted that this was just the way my body was and I moved on.  This was my normal.

I'm defining a new normal these days.