Did you know that I can be a negative person?
Shockingly, I might be a pessimist. Maybe I'm the only person this surprises. I hope not. I always thought of myself as a happy person. But lately... Between my struggles with PT and adding dietary restrictions in my life and some deadline pressure applied at work... I've been very negative.
I appear to look at the bad side first. I complain before I appreciate. I critique the process before I fully engage in it.
And I'm starting to notice. Maybe, just maybe, I'm starting to change.
I've always thought there are two kinds of people, optimists and pessimists. All shades of gray between the two are represented by cynics. Cynics are people who were once Optimists but can't keep up the energy any more. They start to see the frayed edges, the faded colors. In time, Cynics become Pessimists. I remember years ago when I was an Optimist. But then I grew up. I became cynical, skeptical, suspicious. Without noticing I became a pessimist. I stopped believing.
How is this relevant?
Today a friend posted that she'd achieved a BMI of 24.6 with regular exercise. Initially I dismissed the number. BMI is just a way to label people, to judge them for being less. I won't let that number define me. I have enough to feel bad about without worrying about a number that doesn't even really mean anything. That number doesn't show how hard I work or how much I like vegetables.
The healthy range is 18.5 to 24.9.
The overweight range is 25 to 29.9.
My BMI is 38.8.
That is a very sobering thought. Where I am now is terrifying. Doctors use this number as a guide. it helps them assess where a person's health might be and what issues they may need to focus on. It's problem solving 101. And I have a big red flashing light over my head with siren blaring. There might even be one of those Vegas style neon signs. The doctors are paid to see the lights and sirens. That's why they've bugged me so much. I've refused to accept it.
I need to lose 54 more pounds before I get to overweight.
The goal appears so very unattainable. Losing 54 pounds, just to be overweight at 179 pounds. Fifty four pounds and I'll stop being obese. This is an intermediate goal. This is a GOOD intermediate goal.
It's still gigantic. Huge. Obese, if you will. Bigger than I can wrap my mind around.
I have to start believing.
Others have done this. It is far from impossible. Everyone's process is different, but there are proven steps to attaining a goal like this. Move more. Eat less. Make better food choices. Love yourself. Be patient. Discard what doesn't work. Search for what does work. Keep fighting. Believe.
My definition of optimism was that of a pessimist. Anyone starting there had only to wait until life got hard and reality changed them. Pessimism was inevitable and I'd never considered a way out of it. Why would I? Once you stop believing, what could ever make you start again?
Results. That is my only answer. I have to embrace positive results. My results, but also the results achieved by others. I need to search for inspiration. As I reach goals, I must accept and celebrate the work it took to get here. As I progress, I pray that proof translates to belief. Belief in the process. Belief in myself. Belief that I can do this.