The only way I've ever found success in weight loss is to control all aspects of my food. I can't eat out if I don't have the nutritional analysis of the restaurant to which we are headed. I measure out portions and put the rest of the food out of reach. Grocery lists are made from menus and food isn't bought unless it is on the list.
I keep thinking you must know this about me, but I'm not sure I ever wrote about it. So much time and energy is put into managing food. I hesitate to call the behavior obsessive because there is so much to actually do when you are closely monitoring your food intake. And doing it for a family could be a full-time job if your family, like mine, thrives on ever changing foods and experiences.
No wonder I was overwhelmed. Exhausted. Shattered.
I would go so far as to say I was shattered. I kept picking up the pieces I dropped, but I couldn't get them to come back together. Every time I tried something I thought I already had put back in place crumbled.
It turns out that I had to give up the image that I was trying to rebuild. When I stopped being able to make it work, it was because the image was hopelessly flawed. I was doing too much. Thankfully, I have an amazing husband who hesitantly, because he knows me, stepped in. He picked up the pieces I kept trying to fix and replaced them with something new.
Something I don't control.
This is a huge step. Not only am I giving up a traditionally female house hold role, but I am no longer able to strictly control my diet in the fashion I've become accustomed. How am I going to manage to lose weight if I don't know the specifics of everything I eat?
I'm not yet sure. We're 2 weeks in and I'm thoroughly enjoying my reduced task list. I haven't had the nerve to ask my husband if he is enjoying his new responsibilities. I'm not sure I want to know if he isn't. At least not yet.
So far my weight has not suffered. He's been planning meals with my dietary concerns in mind. We've had a few things I wouldn't have considered cooking. Combinations to use up our CSA vegetables which I hadn't considered before. It's been a healthy change. I've even managed to lose the couple of pounds I gained over vacation!
All-in-all, only time will tell how we work in this new arrangement. But right now I have high hopes. Maybe relinquishing some control will do wonders for relieving stress, another theme found in successful weight loss stories. Like mine, I hope.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Monday, October 8, 2012
Breaking the Silence
The longer I go without writing, the harder it is to know what to say. Life has gotten in the way as life tends to do. My girls are growing and changing. My oldest started preschool this fall. My youngest is in the destructive phase I think all toddlers go through. They drag me into every other moment regardless of the plans I have for my day.
Work is busy. Both good and bad events have contributed, but for the first time in a long time I find myself consumed by all the things I have to learn and test. It's exhilarating, exhausting and exactly where I want to be. Each evening I have to drag myself away. Each morning I look forward to going in. It's a time to savor.
Given all that, I could easily be forgiven for slipping back to old habits and dropping my workout routine. At least, I've thought about it and I could forgive myself for bad behavior. All the changes I've made this year have required focus and effort I've never dedicated to myself before. Without that intensity how can I ever expect to make progress?
The strangest part of it all is that I haven't thrown in the towel. I haven't been as religious about tracking food and meeting my exercise schedule, but I've stuck with my good habits. I've made decent food choices and attempted workouts every week. I'm back to walking the stairs. My menus at home have been simplified for week night crazy. My gym bag gets packed each night to support me when I do manage to hear my alarm clock in time to go to the gym the next morning.
A few months back I was drowning. I was overly busy and needed to restructure my days. I felt fragmented and overwhelmed all the time. I might even have been entering a funk. I'm not sure; sadly, I didn't write about it. I haven't written anything in two months. I don't like that. I've never liked leaving holes in my life and that's what it feels like when I go so long without putting pen to paper.
But there is one thing I want to capture right now. One thing which made a huge difference. The past month I've given myself permission to not lose weight. In fact, I've given myself permission to maintain through the new year. I've changed my MFP goals to reflect this and I'm sticking with it. If weight comes off, great! But that's not my focus right now.
I just need to be me for a bit. I need to continue strengthening my body following years of neglect. I need to be comfortable with myself and where I'm at. I need to survive the holidays without losing my mind. And I'm pretty sure I wasn't in a place two months ago where I could do that.
What does this mean for this blog?
I'm not honestly sure. The first week of not writing, I pushed it out of my head and really didn't think about anything except surviving to the next day. While I still have survival days, I've started wanting to express myself again. I've had a strong urge to write for about a week now. I keep thinking of things to say, how I want to reintroduce myself after an absence. In my head, I've said hello a hundred different ways. I've apologized, excused and rationalized. Then I go and pack lunches for tomorrow.
Tonight I gave myself permission to just write. No planning. Very little premeditation (the opening sentence has been haunting me all day, but just that sentence). I have to start somewhere. I can do this. It's strange to give myself permission to do something like write, but there are always going to be items left on my to-do list at the end of the day. There are also always going to be words left inside. I feel the words left inside are a greater loss. While I can't put off folding clothes forever, at least they are clean.
And I've reestablished contact. Will I be here every night? Most likely not. But tonight I break the silence. Now that I'm written hello again, it will be hard to stop talking. We've a lot to catch up on.
Work is busy. Both good and bad events have contributed, but for the first time in a long time I find myself consumed by all the things I have to learn and test. It's exhilarating, exhausting and exactly where I want to be. Each evening I have to drag myself away. Each morning I look forward to going in. It's a time to savor.
Given all that, I could easily be forgiven for slipping back to old habits and dropping my workout routine. At least, I've thought about it and I could forgive myself for bad behavior. All the changes I've made this year have required focus and effort I've never dedicated to myself before. Without that intensity how can I ever expect to make progress?
The strangest part of it all is that I haven't thrown in the towel. I haven't been as religious about tracking food and meeting my exercise schedule, but I've stuck with my good habits. I've made decent food choices and attempted workouts every week. I'm back to walking the stairs. My menus at home have been simplified for week night crazy. My gym bag gets packed each night to support me when I do manage to hear my alarm clock in time to go to the gym the next morning.
A few months back I was drowning. I was overly busy and needed to restructure my days. I felt fragmented and overwhelmed all the time. I might even have been entering a funk. I'm not sure; sadly, I didn't write about it. I haven't written anything in two months. I don't like that. I've never liked leaving holes in my life and that's what it feels like when I go so long without putting pen to paper.
But there is one thing I want to capture right now. One thing which made a huge difference. The past month I've given myself permission to not lose weight. In fact, I've given myself permission to maintain through the new year. I've changed my MFP goals to reflect this and I'm sticking with it. If weight comes off, great! But that's not my focus right now.
I just need to be me for a bit. I need to continue strengthening my body following years of neglect. I need to be comfortable with myself and where I'm at. I need to survive the holidays without losing my mind. And I'm pretty sure I wasn't in a place two months ago where I could do that.
What does this mean for this blog?
I'm not honestly sure. The first week of not writing, I pushed it out of my head and really didn't think about anything except surviving to the next day. While I still have survival days, I've started wanting to express myself again. I've had a strong urge to write for about a week now. I keep thinking of things to say, how I want to reintroduce myself after an absence. In my head, I've said hello a hundred different ways. I've apologized, excused and rationalized. Then I go and pack lunches for tomorrow.
Tonight I gave myself permission to just write. No planning. Very little premeditation (the opening sentence has been haunting me all day, but just that sentence). I have to start somewhere. I can do this. It's strange to give myself permission to do something like write, but there are always going to be items left on my to-do list at the end of the day. There are also always going to be words left inside. I feel the words left inside are a greater loss. While I can't put off folding clothes forever, at least they are clean.
And I've reestablished contact. Will I be here every night? Most likely not. But tonight I break the silence. Now that I'm written hello again, it will be hard to stop talking. We've a lot to catch up on.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
A Perfect Day
Since adding two little girls to my life, perfect is a redefined word. I have many perfect moments. They are gleaming memories sitting atop a pile of dirty laundry, cartons of diapers and an endless rotation of dirty dishes. Not to mention the mommy sanity timeouts. But in all of my complaining there are awesome memories, ones I'll remember for years to come, and every once in a while I get a perfect day.
Yesterday was a perfect day.
It all started by me waking up at 6am to a quiet restful house. My girls are visiting their grandparents for the week. Having my house to myself and only my own schedule to maintain is such an awesome luxury. For the first two days of this week I gave myself permission to simply exist each day, sleeping late, going to bed whenever I felt like it and making meals whenever. I seriously debated staying in bed one more day, but it was Wednesday and I haven't missed a Wednesday at the gym since I returned to working out at the beginning of July. I'm not giving up a 6 week streak now!
For a pleasant change of pace, my husband got up and went with me. We exercised side by side. It was my second day of my new 5K walking program. A short warmup followed by fifteen minutes walking. I walked; he jogged. We marveled over the differences between Fox News and CNN. That's my new hobby while in the cardio room in the gym - studying the difference between the news networks. Following our walk, I ran us both through a PT style workout. By the end of it, my legs were shaking and I think I might have even inspired a little awe. He's never seen all the stuff I learned how to do. *grin* It was fun to show off.
Workout accomplished we hit our respective locker rooms and got ready for work. He drove me in. I invited him to breakfast at my usual morning stop. I was dropped off at work with a kiss and promises of dinner plans to be emailed.
My work day was fairly typical. I'm about 3 months into a 9 month project. The pressure is present but motivating. Towards the end of the day I did get a bit of a scare when an issue was discovered with one of my releases. I didn't take it in stride at all, but I do understand what happened, presented to my manager and came up with some alternative quick workarounds. All-in-all it was one of my better days at the office.
And then came dinner. Mmmm. Given that we were child-free, Hubby sent me a few options which we would not consider with the kiddos. Having heard amazing things, we headed to Carrol's Creek. It's a marina restaurant with outdoor seating, decadent appetizers and an overall relaxing atmosphere. Our feast included baked brie, seafood cocktail and southwestern seasoned scallops seared and served with black bean corn salsa and a cilantro cream sauce. So yummy and cooked just perfectly. I'm glad the sauce wasn't available until my main entree; I would have had to try it on everything! To top it off Hubby ordered a caramel cheesecake for us to share for dessert. It was delicious.
I wish I'd taken a photo of all the yummy goodness we enjoyed, but alas... I was too busy enjoying it. At least I did manage to snap this picture. Could the evening have been more beautiful?
After dinner, we walked around talking for a while. As we headed home, we called our girls and attempted to say good night. I could hear all their glee in the background, but talking to Mommy and Daddy while they are hanging at Grandma's doesn't seem to be high on their list. Soon enough they will be back making a ruckus and inspiring simple moments of glee. But for just one day, I had a perfect day just me and my husband. It's not often we have moments together without our kids mixed in. I'm so happy to have one perfect one in recent memory to add to the list.
Yesterday was a perfect day.
It all started by me waking up at 6am to a quiet restful house. My girls are visiting their grandparents for the week. Having my house to myself and only my own schedule to maintain is such an awesome luxury. For the first two days of this week I gave myself permission to simply exist each day, sleeping late, going to bed whenever I felt like it and making meals whenever. I seriously debated staying in bed one more day, but it was Wednesday and I haven't missed a Wednesday at the gym since I returned to working out at the beginning of July. I'm not giving up a 6 week streak now!
For a pleasant change of pace, my husband got up and went with me. We exercised side by side. It was my second day of my new 5K walking program. A short warmup followed by fifteen minutes walking. I walked; he jogged. We marveled over the differences between Fox News and CNN. That's my new hobby while in the cardio room in the gym - studying the difference between the news networks. Following our walk, I ran us both through a PT style workout. By the end of it, my legs were shaking and I think I might have even inspired a little awe. He's never seen all the stuff I learned how to do. *grin* It was fun to show off.
Workout accomplished we hit our respective locker rooms and got ready for work. He drove me in. I invited him to breakfast at my usual morning stop. I was dropped off at work with a kiss and promises of dinner plans to be emailed.
My work day was fairly typical. I'm about 3 months into a 9 month project. The pressure is present but motivating. Towards the end of the day I did get a bit of a scare when an issue was discovered with one of my releases. I didn't take it in stride at all, but I do understand what happened, presented to my manager and came up with some alternative quick workarounds. All-in-all it was one of my better days at the office.
And then came dinner. Mmmm. Given that we were child-free, Hubby sent me a few options which we would not consider with the kiddos. Having heard amazing things, we headed to Carrol's Creek. It's a marina restaurant with outdoor seating, decadent appetizers and an overall relaxing atmosphere. Our feast included baked brie, seafood cocktail and southwestern seasoned scallops seared and served with black bean corn salsa and a cilantro cream sauce. So yummy and cooked just perfectly. I'm glad the sauce wasn't available until my main entree; I would have had to try it on everything! To top it off Hubby ordered a caramel cheesecake for us to share for dessert. It was delicious.
I wish I'd taken a photo of all the yummy goodness we enjoyed, but alas... I was too busy enjoying it. At least I did manage to snap this picture. Could the evening have been more beautiful?
Friday, July 27, 2012
Workout 120727: Inner Calm.
Last night my world exploded. To be more accurate, the drainage pipe in my basement exploded. Versus having a nice calm problem like the tub not draining, something has broken and the tub drained into the finished basement. Presently the upstairs bathroom, laundry room and kitchen are off limits to all those who wish to use water in my house. Thankfully (???), there is a second bathroom in the basement which appears to be on the other side of the drainage issue.
Given all that, I woke up this morning and determined that my optional Friday visit to the gym was not optional. If I wanted a shower before I was due to be at work, I would have to find it elsewhere. So I headed out the door. My husband, the awesome and amazing man that he is, is at the house with the kids monitoring the situation and waiting for the plumber. Even when I started working again after being unemployed for 9 months, I'm not sure I was ever this happy to have a work to go to.
Getting in a bonus workout is awesome. However since I wasn't planning on being at the gym this morning, I pretty much stuck to the cardio machines and sweated out for a bit. Today's workout:
30 min Elliptical - Cross Training 2
10 min Treadmill - 2.0 mph
Stretch
This workout felt good. My feet are a little tender, but that is more due to the new inserts I purchased to add arch support than the length of time on the Elliptical. About 20 minutes into the program the machine told me to pedal backwards which I did. It is much harder to pedal backwards than forwards for me still. At that moment I did marvel at the progress I've made. I remember in the beginning weeks how I was struggling to make it through my workouts. Just completing them was an accomplishment. I remember being proud every time I added a few more minutes. It was a wonderful journey down memory lane in the middle life happening and shattering my calm happy place.
I'm happy this week is almost over. I'm happy that I don't have to cook dinner tonight. I'm exceptionally happy to have the time and resources to go workout while my house is falling apart. Now if I can just hold on to that happy long enough to be able to use the running water at my house again. That will be something to celebrate!
Given all that, I woke up this morning and determined that my optional Friday visit to the gym was not optional. If I wanted a shower before I was due to be at work, I would have to find it elsewhere. So I headed out the door. My husband, the awesome and amazing man that he is, is at the house with the kids monitoring the situation and waiting for the plumber. Even when I started working again after being unemployed for 9 months, I'm not sure I was ever this happy to have a work to go to.
Getting in a bonus workout is awesome. However since I wasn't planning on being at the gym this morning, I pretty much stuck to the cardio machines and sweated out for a bit. Today's workout:
30 min Elliptical - Cross Training 2
10 min Treadmill - 2.0 mph
Stretch
This workout felt good. My feet are a little tender, but that is more due to the new inserts I purchased to add arch support than the length of time on the Elliptical. About 20 minutes into the program the machine told me to pedal backwards which I did. It is much harder to pedal backwards than forwards for me still. At that moment I did marvel at the progress I've made. I remember in the beginning weeks how I was struggling to make it through my workouts. Just completing them was an accomplishment. I remember being proud every time I added a few more minutes. It was a wonderful journey down memory lane in the middle life happening and shattering my calm happy place.
I'm happy this week is almost over. I'm happy that I don't have to cook dinner tonight. I'm exceptionally happy to have the time and resources to go workout while my house is falling apart. Now if I can just hold on to that happy long enough to be able to use the running water at my house again. That will be something to celebrate!
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