The longer I go without writing, the harder it is to know what to say. Life has gotten in the way as life tends to do. My girls are growing and changing. My oldest started preschool this fall. My youngest is in the destructive phase I think all toddlers go through. They drag me into every other moment regardless of the plans I have for my day.
Work is busy. Both good and bad events have contributed, but for the first time in a long time I find myself consumed by all the things I have to learn and test. It's exhilarating, exhausting and exactly where I want to be. Each evening I have to drag myself away. Each morning I look forward to going in. It's a time to savor.
Given all that, I could easily be forgiven for slipping back to old habits and dropping my workout routine. At least, I've thought about it and I could forgive myself for bad behavior. All the changes I've made this year have required focus and effort I've never dedicated to myself before. Without that intensity how can I ever expect to make progress?
The strangest part of it all is that I haven't thrown in the towel. I haven't been as religious about tracking food and meeting my exercise schedule, but I've stuck with my good habits. I've made decent food choices and attempted workouts every week. I'm back to walking the stairs. My menus at home have been simplified for week night crazy. My gym bag gets packed each night to support me when I do manage to hear my alarm clock in time to go to the gym the next morning.
A few months back I was drowning. I was overly busy and needed to restructure my days. I felt fragmented and overwhelmed all the time. I might even have been entering a funk. I'm not sure; sadly, I didn't write about it. I haven't written anything in two months. I don't like that. I've never liked leaving holes in my life and that's what it feels like when I go so long without putting pen to paper.
But there is one thing I want to capture right now. One thing which made a huge difference. The past month I've given myself permission to not lose weight. In fact, I've given myself permission to maintain through the new year. I've changed my MFP goals to reflect this and I'm sticking with it. If weight comes off, great! But that's not my focus right now.
I just need to be me for a bit. I need to continue strengthening my body following years of neglect. I need to be comfortable with myself and where I'm at. I need to survive the holidays without losing my mind. And I'm pretty sure I wasn't in a place two months ago where I could do that.
What does this mean for this blog?
I'm not honestly sure. The first week of not writing, I pushed it out of my head and really didn't think about anything except surviving to the next day. While I still have survival days, I've started wanting to express myself again. I've had a strong urge to write for about a week now. I keep thinking of things to say, how I want to reintroduce myself after an absence. In my head, I've said hello a hundred different ways. I've apologized, excused and rationalized. Then I go and pack lunches for tomorrow.
Tonight I gave myself permission to just write. No planning. Very little premeditation (the opening sentence has been haunting me all day, but just that sentence). I have to start somewhere. I can do this. It's strange to give myself permission to do something like write, but there are always going to be items left on my to-do list at the end of the day. There are also always going to be words left inside. I feel the words left inside are a greater loss. While I can't put off folding clothes forever, at least they are clean.
And I've reestablished contact. Will I be here every night? Most likely not. But tonight I break the silence. Now that I'm written hello again, it will be hard to stop talking. We've a lot to catch up on.
Showing posts with label funk. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funk. Show all posts
Monday, October 8, 2012
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Workout 120718: Too Early for Pleasantries
This morning my oldest girl, Bean, woke me up at 4:15am. She'd had an accident and needed help getting cleaned up and back to bed. In the 15 minutes it took me to get her squared away, I woke up. My bed looked so inviting and any time you wake a see something less than a 7 as the first number on the alarm clock... Let's just say I am extremely, immensely, gigantically proud of myself for not crawling back in bed and ignoring my alarm clock.
Instead, I turned off my alarm clock before it had a chance to disturb the peace in my house, put on my workout clothes and did this:
15 min Elliptical - Cross Trainer Setting
Stretch
I'm glad I got up and got to the gym. I was tired. I still am tired, but I'm thinking that is just an artifact of my life at this point. Working full-time. Two little kids. Getting to the gym doesn't get easier, I just get used to it. Everyday I do what I can do make sure the next day hasn't been sabotaged. Pack my gym bag. Do laundry. Pick out clothes for my kids. Pack lunches. Get to bed. I have a mission to lose 100 pounds. There isn't a lot of room for other things in my life. This takes up so much of my time.
And I'm increasingly grateful for the quiet time with myself the gym offers. Most people working out at 5am are quiet. They are there for the same reason I am. It isn't social hour. Get in. Get it done. Get on with your day. I spent an hour this morning working out and I didn't speak to another person beyond saying hi as we passed each other. I'm not generally anti-social, but it's an absolutely luxury to be alone with myself these days.
I never used to be comfortable alone. Even when I hated living in a loud house with intrusive siblings, being alone was so unsettling. I avoided it. To a fault. I would seek out bad company versus spending time in my own head. With life so busy, now I truly cherish the times that I have when no one else is awake. That time is more rejuvenating than the hour of sleep I could have gotten instead. Maybe this is the key to keeping the funk at bay. The workouts are good for me, mind, body and soul, but maybe half of that good is simply being unplugged from everyone else's lives. Time for me to just be me. It's one luxury I'm not sure I can live without.
I found this video last week on how to be alone. The video is beautiful in and of itself, but the message is beautiful as well. Spend time by yourself. Learn to enjoy it. It's definitely something I wish I had done before I had kids. While it's too late for that, I certainly can cherish the moments of solitude I am able to attain now.
Instead, I turned off my alarm clock before it had a chance to disturb the peace in my house, put on my workout clothes and did this:
15 min Elliptical - Cross Trainer Setting
30 sec Side Plank - each side3 min Jump Rope (68 successful jumps)
10 sec Bosu Plank x2
30 sec Plank (on elbows)
15 Abductors - each side
10 Glute Press - each side
10 Adductors - each side
10 Squats with 6 lb3 min Jumping Jacks (60 total - done if 6 sets of 10)
20 Crunch Bird Dogs - each side
10 Swiss Ball Bridges with pull in (While in the bridge, pull the Swiss Ball in using feet, then push it back out and lower)
10 Walking Lunges5 min Treadmill Cooldown
30 sec Swiss Ball Wall Sit
10 Bridges with 5 count hold
Stretch
I'm glad I got up and got to the gym. I was tired. I still am tired, but I'm thinking that is just an artifact of my life at this point. Working full-time. Two little kids. Getting to the gym doesn't get easier, I just get used to it. Everyday I do what I can do make sure the next day hasn't been sabotaged. Pack my gym bag. Do laundry. Pick out clothes for my kids. Pack lunches. Get to bed. I have a mission to lose 100 pounds. There isn't a lot of room for other things in my life. This takes up so much of my time.
And I'm increasingly grateful for the quiet time with myself the gym offers. Most people working out at 5am are quiet. They are there for the same reason I am. It isn't social hour. Get in. Get it done. Get on with your day. I spent an hour this morning working out and I didn't speak to another person beyond saying hi as we passed each other. I'm not generally anti-social, but it's an absolutely luxury to be alone with myself these days.
I never used to be comfortable alone. Even when I hated living in a loud house with intrusive siblings, being alone was so unsettling. I avoided it. To a fault. I would seek out bad company versus spending time in my own head. With life so busy, now I truly cherish the times that I have when no one else is awake. That time is more rejuvenating than the hour of sleep I could have gotten instead. Maybe this is the key to keeping the funk at bay. The workouts are good for me, mind, body and soul, but maybe half of that good is simply being unplugged from everyone else's lives. Time for me to just be me. It's one luxury I'm not sure I can live without.
I found this video last week on how to be alone. The video is beautiful in and of itself, but the message is beautiful as well. Spend time by yourself. Learn to enjoy it. It's definitely something I wish I had done before I had kids. While it's too late for that, I certainly can cherish the moments of solitude I am able to attain now.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Funk Endith
As of this week, I believe I can now declare my funk officially ended. I had lots of emotions ranging from glee to utter frustration, but none have swallowed me whole for days. This a a good thing.
While meeting with my trainer yesterday, she asked a question I've been asked by someone each time I leave a funk, but I've never thought to ask myself.
This is such a vital question. The first time I was asked, I thought back on earlier this year. I'd signed up for a 5K that I couldn't run. I'd signed up with a friend. I wasn't going to quit, but I was really not feeling good about the outcome of things. As my friend continued her C25K program, I started packing my bag each night to make it to the gym the next morning. I couldn't keep up in the program, but I could choose to not give up on my bigger goal. I knew that getting to the gym was part of that.
So every evening I made sure my gym bag was packed. more often than not, I got up the next morning and went to the gym. Eventually I left the funk behind. I remember being so dark and I remember thinking I couldn't do any of this. but I shoved it away and kept moving and then I just felt better. The first time I was asked that question I blamed my friend, or maybe my friend keeping tabs on me, for pulling me through.
This time? What turned it around? As I tried to come up with an answer, a summary of the last month tumbled out of me. My foot pushed me out of the gym. I spent two full days off schedule working on a service project. My kids got sick. We demolished part of our yard. I was tired. I got new shoes. My feet started feeling better. The project was successful. My kids got better. The yard got finished. I was still tired.
I told myself at the beginning of July to go back to the gym. And I listened to me. I wasn't getting any less tired. There wasn't going to be any less life happening in the near future (for which I am thankful). I was tired before I stopped going to the gym. Enough was enough. I needed to get started again. And I did.
But I can't say what turned it around. Just like I can't say what exactly turned it around last time. As an engineer, I want to dissect my actions and thoughts and find the trigger so I can pull it again next time I get in a funk. I want the funk to end because my schedule says it is time to end, damn it! I want to feel better all the time and stop spending energy and effort on being down.
The rest of me laughs. The engineer is humored so much of the time, allowed to schedule and manipulate, refine and control. But sometimes it isn't going to get a say. The rest of me needs time and space as well. If the rest of me is dark, then I'm dark. If I'm down, then meetings will be moved and schedules rearranged. Funks are going to happen. I am not going to be able to schedule them for convenient times. I am not a machine in need of fixing. Maybe I simply need to be a little more careful to not treat myself like I'm broken.
While meeting with my trainer yesterday, she asked a question I've been asked by someone each time I leave a funk, but I've never thought to ask myself.
"What turned it around?"
This is such a vital question. The first time I was asked, I thought back on earlier this year. I'd signed up for a 5K that I couldn't run. I'd signed up with a friend. I wasn't going to quit, but I was really not feeling good about the outcome of things. As my friend continued her C25K program, I started packing my bag each night to make it to the gym the next morning. I couldn't keep up in the program, but I could choose to not give up on my bigger goal. I knew that getting to the gym was part of that.
So every evening I made sure my gym bag was packed. more often than not, I got up the next morning and went to the gym. Eventually I left the funk behind. I remember being so dark and I remember thinking I couldn't do any of this. but I shoved it away and kept moving and then I just felt better. The first time I was asked that question I blamed my friend, or maybe my friend keeping tabs on me, for pulling me through.
This time? What turned it around? As I tried to come up with an answer, a summary of the last month tumbled out of me. My foot pushed me out of the gym. I spent two full days off schedule working on a service project. My kids got sick. We demolished part of our yard. I was tired. I got new shoes. My feet started feeling better. The project was successful. My kids got better. The yard got finished. I was still tired.
I told myself at the beginning of July to go back to the gym. And I listened to me. I wasn't getting any less tired. There wasn't going to be any less life happening in the near future (for which I am thankful). I was tired before I stopped going to the gym. Enough was enough. I needed to get started again. And I did.
But I can't say what turned it around. Just like I can't say what exactly turned it around last time. As an engineer, I want to dissect my actions and thoughts and find the trigger so I can pull it again next time I get in a funk. I want the funk to end because my schedule says it is time to end, damn it! I want to feel better all the time and stop spending energy and effort on being down.
The rest of me laughs. The engineer is humored so much of the time, allowed to schedule and manipulate, refine and control. But sometimes it isn't going to get a say. The rest of me needs time and space as well. If the rest of me is dark, then I'm dark. If I'm down, then meetings will be moved and schedules rearranged. Funks are going to happen. I am not going to be able to schedule them for convenient times. I am not a machine in need of fixing. Maybe I simply need to be a little more careful to not treat myself like I'm broken.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Disconnect
Surrounded by friends, I heard myself laughing. I'm not sad all the time. Or maybe it is more accurate to say not all of me is sad. There are parts which are still kicking butt and have a grand time. Even when I feel overwhelmingly sad, not all of me is sad. Maybe that is what resides in the empty place. When I don't fill it in, the sadness has a little more space to take up. It's just a little more noticeable.
That's better than being just sad. I can deal with that. I can get back on track and make progress despite this ache that doesn't want to go away. There's no disrespect implied by setting the sadness to the side for a little while and feeling something else. It gets incorporated and can stay right where it is in its rightful place alongside all my other emotions. Why does this one of all of them seem to reprehensible to me? It's just a feeling.
Today I have PT. It's my last PT appointment. Hopefully ever. I can't say I feel as though I'm finishing strong, but I do feel like I'm done. Today's appointment will hopefully reaffirm that. the only very mild regret I have is not getting my abs strong enough to get my feet under the stick in the reverse curl. That will be a goal in the coming months. My therapist swears that it is possible and multiple people have demonstrated it. I just can't quite seem to get there yet. I will get there.
Next week the kids are back to day care and my life settles back into its usual pattern. My foot has been feeling pretty good all week, not perfect, but much better. These are the final excuses I'm using to not go to the gym. It's time to kick them to the curb. Plus I have an appointment with the personal trainer on July 11th. I need to be ready for that. Next week I'll be back in the gym 3 times per week. I know it is under my 4 times per week goal, but after a month off I think it is a good goal.
Could this be me getting back on track? I certainly hope so.
That's better than being just sad. I can deal with that. I can get back on track and make progress despite this ache that doesn't want to go away. There's no disrespect implied by setting the sadness to the side for a little while and feeling something else. It gets incorporated and can stay right where it is in its rightful place alongside all my other emotions. Why does this one of all of them seem to reprehensible to me? It's just a feeling.
Today I have PT. It's my last PT appointment. Hopefully ever. I can't say I feel as though I'm finishing strong, but I do feel like I'm done. Today's appointment will hopefully reaffirm that. the only very mild regret I have is not getting my abs strong enough to get my feet under the stick in the reverse curl. That will be a goal in the coming months. My therapist swears that it is possible and multiple people have demonstrated it. I just can't quite seem to get there yet. I will get there.
Next week the kids are back to day care and my life settles back into its usual pattern. My foot has been feeling pretty good all week, not perfect, but much better. These are the final excuses I'm using to not go to the gym. It's time to kick them to the curb. Plus I have an appointment with the personal trainer on July 11th. I need to be ready for that. Next week I'll be back in the gym 3 times per week. I know it is under my 4 times per week goal, but after a month off I think it is a good goal.
Could this be me getting back on track? I certainly hope so.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Don't beat yourself up
If yesterday was dark, today is darker. I weighed in and the numbers went in the wrong direction. First time that's happened since I quit Weight Watchers. It was inevitable. I'm not only feeling unsurprised but somewhat justified in seeing what I figured would happen eventually. It always happens, right?
When talking about fears and feelings, these are the ones that reach in and strangle me. To dull the ache, I remind myself this is just the way my life works. I suck it up and keep moving simply because there is no other choice being offered. I'm a victim to life. I start getting mad because I'm being a ninnie. I shove myself around until I get back to some arbitrary functional measurement. In time, I can ignore the feelings long enough for them to be reabsorbed. Once they are buried again, their teeth don't hurt so much.
This time is different. I'm not being allowed to shut up and push myself back to where I was. I didn't ask to change this pattern, but a few things changed when I wasn't looking. First I started writing. I've always kept a private journal. But it is for me in the moment. Even there I tend to record happy or angry moments. There isn't a lot of the in between. I don't write about the painful middle when I'm not taking action. Yesterday I wrote about that moment.
Second, I asked my husband to let me lose my temper and get mad. It sounds strange, but I haven't let that happen in years. Not externally. It wasn't my husband's fault that I suppressed all the negative emotions. I just didn't want to fight. Between babies and work and life, I didn't have the energy to deal with the intensity of those emotions. I put a cap on my temper and sadness and frantic energy. It was draining, but it wasn't as draining as I thought dealing with being out of control would be. So I utilized the same skills I leverage at work to distance myself at home. It worked in that we didn't fight.
And then it didn't. I came up with a big goal. That goal is sapping time and energy from maintaining my cool. It's requiring me to dig deeper and reorganize my life and my comforting patterns. I'm getting mad. At myself. At my family. At my life. I've caught myself lashing out against the people who love me the most. And I'm sad and tired too much of the time. Everything is out of whack and I'm not handling it well. I'm not happy with myself. Again.
Love yourself. Nurture yourself. Understand yourself. It takes time. And patience. And precious energy. I'm not going to continue my wallow. But I'm not going to stomp on myself this time. This is a process. A long one. I'm in a low and that is okay. I can already see changes happening. I've been here before and the days will lighten up again. While it lasts, I can be patient and give myself a chance to sort through some of the baggage of a dark day. If I take the chance now, maybe there will be a little less there the next time I find myself in this place.
When talking about fears and feelings, these are the ones that reach in and strangle me. To dull the ache, I remind myself this is just the way my life works. I suck it up and keep moving simply because there is no other choice being offered. I'm a victim to life. I start getting mad because I'm being a ninnie. I shove myself around until I get back to some arbitrary functional measurement. In time, I can ignore the feelings long enough for them to be reabsorbed. Once they are buried again, their teeth don't hurt so much.
This time is different. I'm not being allowed to shut up and push myself back to where I was. I didn't ask to change this pattern, but a few things changed when I wasn't looking. First I started writing. I've always kept a private journal. But it is for me in the moment. Even there I tend to record happy or angry moments. There isn't a lot of the in between. I don't write about the painful middle when I'm not taking action. Yesterday I wrote about that moment.
Second, I asked my husband to let me lose my temper and get mad. It sounds strange, but I haven't let that happen in years. Not externally. It wasn't my husband's fault that I suppressed all the negative emotions. I just didn't want to fight. Between babies and work and life, I didn't have the energy to deal with the intensity of those emotions. I put a cap on my temper and sadness and frantic energy. It was draining, but it wasn't as draining as I thought dealing with being out of control would be. So I utilized the same skills I leverage at work to distance myself at home. It worked in that we didn't fight.
And then it didn't. I came up with a big goal. That goal is sapping time and energy from maintaining my cool. It's requiring me to dig deeper and reorganize my life and my comforting patterns. I'm getting mad. At myself. At my family. At my life. I've caught myself lashing out against the people who love me the most. And I'm sad and tired too much of the time. Everything is out of whack and I'm not handling it well. I'm not happy with myself. Again.
"If it is okay for you to beat yourself up, it becomes okay for you to beat up everyone around you. It's not okay."These words have echoed in my head for days now. Following my last outburst, I was told that I was loved and everything was fine, but the lashing out was not okay. It might be tolerated and part of the process, but I need to be aware of it and be working on it. Because it was not okay to treat anyone that way. It was particularly not okay to treat myself that way.
Love yourself. Nurture yourself. Understand yourself. It takes time. And patience. And precious energy. I'm not going to continue my wallow. But I'm not going to stomp on myself this time. This is a process. A long one. I'm in a low and that is okay. I can already see changes happening. I've been here before and the days will lighten up again. While it lasts, I can be patient and give myself a chance to sort through some of the baggage of a dark day. If I take the chance now, maybe there will be a little less there the next time I find myself in this place.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Identity
Lately I've been talking with my husband more about my 100 pound goal. Where I was on top of the world last month, this month I'm struggling. Going to the gym in the morning has dropped out of existence. Weight loss is continuing due to my calorie restrictions. My foot is getting better. Slowly. All the systems that keep my world working experienced a crash and burn right in front of my eyes. Those systems are in the process of being reborn. As of right now, I haven't found time to put the gym back in yet.
It is scaring me. I liked how I was feeling and I believe those hours are going to become increasingly necessary for me to reach my goal and maintain. The work I put in at the gym also translates to other areas. My general well-being feels affected. In the past few weeks, food has stopped satisfying me. Nothing is good enough any more. My cravings are turned to nachos and french fries and burritos. Foods which have always helped fill the void.
There is an empty spot in me. It's a feeling I've had for a very long time, but it wasn't here a few weeks ago. I was busy and full to the brim. I was succeeding. I was in control. Now I don't feel that way. Something broke between heel pain, sick kids and service projects. Somewhere in there I got drained of whatever it was that was making me feel strong. Now I feel overwhelmed and lost.
I poured all this and more out on my husband. He hugged and comforted and offered support. We've had rough spots in the past over me trying to lose weight, but this time it is different. He's all in for whatever I need to do. It's amazing and empowering to be so supported. There isn't a person in the world who knows me so well. As I started to wind down, all my fears laid out in front of us, he offered a bit of insight.
Do I have to make a choice? How important is going to the gym every morning to me? Can I make a more balanced program by choosing 3 days a week to get up early and get my sweat on? The rhythm of my day is important to me. That I'm sure of. I have to think more about the rest. All this introspection takes time and energy as well. I've been reminding myself that dealing with this inner turmoil is at least as important as working out if not more so. Without all this thinking, I won't succeed at my larger goal. Sitting on my butt wasn't the only reason I got where I am today and getting off it isn't the sole key to the solution.
For too long I've asked my food to fill the emptiness these questions emphasize. That is not only the wrong answer but a way to avoid ever dealing with the question. I have to stop using food to drown my insecurities and dampen the wanderlust. The empty spot is something I need to embrace. As I continue to find success in my weight loss, this emptiness is going to get worse. Who do I want to be? What do I want to do with my life? When I was younger these questions caused me discomfort. I would avoid them because they meant I had to make choices and close doors. As a wife and mother, these questions are absolutely terrifying. They require a depth of belief that I don't necessarily have. A faith that I haven't gotten where I am by accident and against myself.
This is my rabbit hole. For the time being I'm still hovering at the edge. I cling to where I'm at and hope it's where I should be. But I have to address these feelings. I must continue to think on these questions. Success makes me aware of the dirt slipping away under my feet. New territory. Eventually I'll have no choice but to deal with whatever it is that's eating at me. But I'm just not ready yet.
It is scaring me. I liked how I was feeling and I believe those hours are going to become increasingly necessary for me to reach my goal and maintain. The work I put in at the gym also translates to other areas. My general well-being feels affected. In the past few weeks, food has stopped satisfying me. Nothing is good enough any more. My cravings are turned to nachos and french fries and burritos. Foods which have always helped fill the void.
There is an empty spot in me. It's a feeling I've had for a very long time, but it wasn't here a few weeks ago. I was busy and full to the brim. I was succeeding. I was in control. Now I don't feel that way. Something broke between heel pain, sick kids and service projects. Somewhere in there I got drained of whatever it was that was making me feel strong. Now I feel overwhelmed and lost.
I poured all this and more out on my husband. He hugged and comforted and offered support. We've had rough spots in the past over me trying to lose weight, but this time it is different. He's all in for whatever I need to do. It's amazing and empowering to be so supported. There isn't a person in the world who knows me so well. As I started to wind down, all my fears laid out in front of us, he offered a bit of insight.
"There are two versions of you. The newest version starts her day at the gym and works to make good food choices. I like both versions, but you seem to be happier with the newest."Maybe it is as simple as who do I want to be. Do I want starting each day at the gym to be on the top of my priority list? How important it is to me? What am I willing to rearrange to make it happen? A month ago I would have rearranged anything. Today I'm enjoying my later nights puttering around the house and dealing with my domestic issues. Or spending time with my husband. Or sewing. Or writing. Or just playing for a few extra minutes on the internet.
Do I have to make a choice? How important is going to the gym every morning to me? Can I make a more balanced program by choosing 3 days a week to get up early and get my sweat on? The rhythm of my day is important to me. That I'm sure of. I have to think more about the rest. All this introspection takes time and energy as well. I've been reminding myself that dealing with this inner turmoil is at least as important as working out if not more so. Without all this thinking, I won't succeed at my larger goal. Sitting on my butt wasn't the only reason I got where I am today and getting off it isn't the sole key to the solution.
For too long I've asked my food to fill the emptiness these questions emphasize. That is not only the wrong answer but a way to avoid ever dealing with the question. I have to stop using food to drown my insecurities and dampen the wanderlust. The empty spot is something I need to embrace. As I continue to find success in my weight loss, this emptiness is going to get worse. Who do I want to be? What do I want to do with my life? When I was younger these questions caused me discomfort. I would avoid them because they meant I had to make choices and close doors. As a wife and mother, these questions are absolutely terrifying. They require a depth of belief that I don't necessarily have. A faith that I haven't gotten where I am by accident and against myself.
This is my rabbit hole. For the time being I'm still hovering at the edge. I cling to where I'm at and hope it's where I should be. But I have to address these feelings. I must continue to think on these questions. Success makes me aware of the dirt slipping away under my feet. New territory. Eventually I'll have no choice but to deal with whatever it is that's eating at me. But I'm just not ready yet.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Just Keep Swimming
Yesterday I felt like Dori. I was all over the place. No focus on the moment. And not able to deal in the past or future very well. Over the last week, I've left my PT clothes sitting on my dresser, my wallet in the girls diaper bag and my keys in the front door. I'll never claim to be the most put together person, but this is ridiculous.
And I all I could tell myself was to keep on keepin' on.
With each iteration of crazy, I get a good thing out of it. I become better at detecting, monitoring and redirecting the crazy. With the lack of focus I was experiencing yesterday afternoon, I took off an hour early from work, went home and sorted the mail. That's right. Of all the things I could do with an hour, I chose to sort mail.
I poured a nice cup of ice water. All my mail just barely fit in the wall basket in my kitchen. I carried it to the family room and spread all the mail out on my sofa. I popped Season 6 Smashed from Buffy the Vampire Slayer into the DVD player (my TV obsession of choice). Pulling the recycle bins and shred bin over ensured that I did not have to get up for any reason. And for the next 40 minutes I sorted mail in the quiet of my own home. With no interruptions.
It was awesome. When the mail was finished I had a few extra minutes on the episode so I sat and massaged my feet with a tennis ball. Ahhh. That was even better than getting through the mail!
And I got my zen back. I'm by no means caught up but for the rest of the evening I wasn't a spaz-cadet. I took my girls to Chick-fil-A for dinner and let them burn off 45 minutes of energy in the play place. We did the whole bedtime ritual peacefully. I got the laundry sorted and a load put in the washer. I cleaned the mountain of greens our CSA provided this week. I savored one chocolate chip cookie. I watched one more episode of Buffy (Season 6 Wreaked) while doing a few PT exercises to warmup. I stretched out my very sore legs and rolled my IT band. I went to bed content.
I feel productive again. Or maybe my limited control over my schedule has been reattained. Whatever gives me this peaceful productive I-can-do-anything feeling is back. And it is welcome to stay as long as it likes.
And I all I could tell myself was to keep on keepin' on.
With each iteration of crazy, I get a good thing out of it. I become better at detecting, monitoring and redirecting the crazy. With the lack of focus I was experiencing yesterday afternoon, I took off an hour early from work, went home and sorted the mail. That's right. Of all the things I could do with an hour, I chose to sort mail.
I poured a nice cup of ice water. All my mail just barely fit in the wall basket in my kitchen. I carried it to the family room and spread all the mail out on my sofa. I popped Season 6 Smashed from Buffy the Vampire Slayer into the DVD player (my TV obsession of choice). Pulling the recycle bins and shred bin over ensured that I did not have to get up for any reason. And for the next 40 minutes I sorted mail in the quiet of my own home. With no interruptions.
It was awesome. When the mail was finished I had a few extra minutes on the episode so I sat and massaged my feet with a tennis ball. Ahhh. That was even better than getting through the mail!
And I got my zen back. I'm by no means caught up but for the rest of the evening I wasn't a spaz-cadet. I took my girls to Chick-fil-A for dinner and let them burn off 45 minutes of energy in the play place. We did the whole bedtime ritual peacefully. I got the laundry sorted and a load put in the washer. I cleaned the mountain of greens our CSA provided this week. I savored one chocolate chip cookie. I watched one more episode of Buffy (Season 6 Wreaked) while doing a few PT exercises to warmup. I stretched out my very sore legs and rolled my IT band. I went to bed content.
I feel productive again. Or maybe my limited control over my schedule has been reattained. Whatever gives me this peaceful productive I-can-do-anything feeling is back. And it is welcome to stay as long as it likes.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Low Point
Off schedule post... I need to vent.
I've reached overload point. Or overwhelmed capacity. I don't know. It all sums up to I am trying to do a lot and have stopped doing any of it. The working out, you know about. But other parts of my life are starting to suffer. I was just looking at the nutrition data for Chick-fil-A because that's where we are getting dinner tonight. I can't even consider cooking. The thought of doing so makes me sweat. And it is not even 2pm. Then I have work, laundry, bills and ... oh yeah... work.
I have to get to work. But I also have to spend tonight doing some breathing and sorting out how I am going to get out from under the mountain of behind I have gotten myself into. There is only one way and that is to tackle one thing at a time. But which thing and when and the feeling of futility is starting to make me stall. It feels like everyday I get a little further behind and there isn't an end in sight for any of it. After all it is my life. I'm not really looking for an end, you know...
This happens. Life gets busy and things slip. I've gotten off track and back on before, but I need to get on track soon before I derail more of my good practices staggering under the weight of catching up. My husband says everything is fine and I just need to settle down. It will all workout. But I hate this feeling of crazy. I just need everything to slow down. Just for a minute.
Any suggestions when you find yourself behind? What makes you feel like you can do it all again?
Hehee. Mountain of Behind. That's awesome.
I've reached overload point. Or overwhelmed capacity. I don't know. It all sums up to I am trying to do a lot and have stopped doing any of it. The working out, you know about. But other parts of my life are starting to suffer. I was just looking at the nutrition data for Chick-fil-A because that's where we are getting dinner tonight. I can't even consider cooking. The thought of doing so makes me sweat. And it is not even 2pm. Then I have work, laundry, bills and ... oh yeah... work.
I have to get to work. But I also have to spend tonight doing some breathing and sorting out how I am going to get out from under the mountain of behind I have gotten myself into. There is only one way and that is to tackle one thing at a time. But which thing and when and the feeling of futility is starting to make me stall. It feels like everyday I get a little further behind and there isn't an end in sight for any of it. After all it is my life. I'm not really looking for an end, you know...
This happens. Life gets busy and things slip. I've gotten off track and back on before, but I need to get on track soon before I derail more of my good practices staggering under the weight of catching up. My husband says everything is fine and I just need to settle down. It will all workout. But I hate this feeling of crazy. I just need everything to slow down. Just for a minute.
Any suggestions when you find yourself behind? What makes you feel like you can do it all again?
Hehee. Mountain of Behind. That's awesome.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)