It is scaring me. I liked how I was feeling and I believe those hours are going to become increasingly necessary for me to reach my goal and maintain. The work I put in at the gym also translates to other areas. My general well-being feels affected. In the past few weeks, food has stopped satisfying me. Nothing is good enough any more. My cravings are turned to nachos and french fries and burritos. Foods which have always helped fill the void.
There is an empty spot in me. It's a feeling I've had for a very long time, but it wasn't here a few weeks ago. I was busy and full to the brim. I was succeeding. I was in control. Now I don't feel that way. Something broke between heel pain, sick kids and service projects. Somewhere in there I got drained of whatever it was that was making me feel strong. Now I feel overwhelmed and lost.
I poured all this and more out on my husband. He hugged and comforted and offered support. We've had rough spots in the past over me trying to lose weight, but this time it is different. He's all in for whatever I need to do. It's amazing and empowering to be so supported. There isn't a person in the world who knows me so well. As I started to wind down, all my fears laid out in front of us, he offered a bit of insight.
"There are two versions of you. The newest version starts her day at the gym and works to make good food choices. I like both versions, but you seem to be happier with the newest."Maybe it is as simple as who do I want to be. Do I want starting each day at the gym to be on the top of my priority list? How important it is to me? What am I willing to rearrange to make it happen? A month ago I would have rearranged anything. Today I'm enjoying my later nights puttering around the house and dealing with my domestic issues. Or spending time with my husband. Or sewing. Or writing. Or just playing for a few extra minutes on the internet.
Do I have to make a choice? How important is going to the gym every morning to me? Can I make a more balanced program by choosing 3 days a week to get up early and get my sweat on? The rhythm of my day is important to me. That I'm sure of. I have to think more about the rest. All this introspection takes time and energy as well. I've been reminding myself that dealing with this inner turmoil is at least as important as working out if not more so. Without all this thinking, I won't succeed at my larger goal. Sitting on my butt wasn't the only reason I got where I am today and getting off it isn't the sole key to the solution.
For too long I've asked my food to fill the emptiness these questions emphasize. That is not only the wrong answer but a way to avoid ever dealing with the question. I have to stop using food to drown my insecurities and dampen the wanderlust. The empty spot is something I need to embrace. As I continue to find success in my weight loss, this emptiness is going to get worse. Who do I want to be? What do I want to do with my life? When I was younger these questions caused me discomfort. I would avoid them because they meant I had to make choices and close doors. As a wife and mother, these questions are absolutely terrifying. They require a depth of belief that I don't necessarily have. A faith that I haven't gotten where I am by accident and against myself.
This is my rabbit hole. For the time being I'm still hovering at the edge. I cling to where I'm at and hope it's where I should be. But I have to address these feelings. I must continue to think on these questions. Success makes me aware of the dirt slipping away under my feet. New territory. Eventually I'll have no choice but to deal with whatever it is that's eating at me. But I'm just not ready yet.