Saturday, November 3, 2012

Relinquishing Control

The only way I've ever found success in weight loss is to control all aspects of my food.  I can't eat out if I don't have the nutritional analysis of the restaurant to which we are headed.  I measure out portions and put the rest of the food out of reach.  Grocery lists are made from menus and food isn't bought unless it is on the list.

I keep thinking you must know this about me, but I'm not sure I ever wrote about it.  So much time and energy is put into managing food.  I hesitate to call the behavior obsessive because there is so much to actually do when you are closely monitoring your food intake.  And doing it for a family could be a full-time job if your family, like mine, thrives on ever changing foods and experiences.

No wonder I was overwhelmed.  Exhausted.  Shattered.

I would go so far as to say I was shattered.  I kept picking up the pieces I dropped, but I couldn't get them to come back together.  Every time I tried something I thought I already had put back in place crumbled.

It turns out that I had to give up the image that I was trying to rebuild.  When I stopped being able to make it work, it was because the image was hopelessly flawed.  I was doing too much.  Thankfully, I have an amazing husband who hesitantly, because he knows me, stepped in.  He picked up the pieces I kept trying to fix and replaced them with something new.

Something I don't control.

This is a huge step.  Not only am I giving up a traditionally female house hold role, but I am no longer able to strictly control my diet in the fashion I've become accustomed.  How am I going to manage to lose weight if I don't know the specifics of everything I eat?

I'm not yet sure.  We're 2 weeks in and I'm thoroughly enjoying my reduced task list.  I haven't had the nerve to ask my husband if he is enjoying his new responsibilities.  I'm not sure I want to know if he isn't.  At least not yet.

So far my weight has not suffered.  He's been planning meals with my dietary concerns in mind.  We've had a few things I wouldn't have considered cooking.  Combinations to use up our CSA vegetables which I hadn't considered before.  It's been a healthy change.  I've even managed to lose the couple of pounds I gained over vacation!

All-in-all, only time will tell how we work in this new arrangement.  But right now I have high hopes.  Maybe relinquishing some control will do wonders for relieving stress, another theme found in successful weight loss stories.  Like mine, I hope.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Another Change in Direction

I wrote last about my change in direction.  I was giving myself permission to maintain.  Permission to just be for a while.  There is victory in maintaining and I was beginning to look to experiencing it.

And that is going to have to wait a bit longer...

The tides have changed again.  My cholesterol numbers have come back and they've come back high.  I recently changed doctors and this one believes the numbers will come down when I shed more weight.  She's given me 6 months to lose more before she wants to discuss medical weight loss options.  Not surgery, but drug assisted weight loss.  Thankfully I'm ineligible for surgery due to my weight loss this year and I'm happy for doctors to stop asking me about it.

However, I'm not much happier about the drug assisted options.  I don't like medicine and I think I've had solid weight loss success without it this year.  But I still have my hereditarily high cholesterol numbers to consider.  If the doc things rapid weight loss will get me in a better range, then I feel it is irresponsible to ignore her medical advice.

The plan provided by the doctor was 1200 calories with 45 minutes of cardio 6 days a week, no carbs after 6pm and ramp up on lean protein in all other meals.  Not to be whiny but this also didn't work for me.  I discussed that I'd been seeing results at 1600+ calories and didn't think I could do 1200.  My point was not accepted.

I've considered that this new doctor isn't right for me.  She's talking drug therapy versus crash dieting (in my completely non-medical opinion), neither option I find particularly appealing.  Instead of going through the trouble of switching again, I am going to see through the next 6 months and find out what my numbers look like in April.

Last week I tried 1200 calories.  After 5 days, I was unpleasant.  My husband can vouch for that.  Also I started to itch.  I have yet to find a doctor who's seen it or person who's experienced it, but when I lose weight I tend to develop itchy hot red spots anywhere part of my body presses into something else.  Sometimes these spots even turn into hives.  It's really not comfortable, physically or mentally as I have no idea why it is happening.

Also, that was without exercise added in!  I can see using a 1200 calories day every once in a while to reset my eating patterns, but long term I just don't think it is for me.

So I'm back to 1600 calories and I'm going to workout 6 days a week (go to the gym, do DVDs at home or walk around my neighborhood).  I've interviewed a number of nutritionists and will be scheduling with one as soon as finances permit.  I'm back on the weight loss bandwagon with reinvented motivation.

Wish me luck!