Monday, October 8, 2012

Breaking the Silence

The longer I go without writing, the harder it is to know what to say.  Life has gotten in the way as life tends to do.  My girls are growing and changing.  My oldest started preschool this fall.  My youngest is in the destructive phase I think all toddlers go through.  They drag me into every other moment regardless of the plans I have for my day.

Work is busy.  Both good and bad events have contributed, but for the first time in a long time I find myself consumed by all the things I have to learn and test.  It's exhilarating, exhausting and exactly where I want to be.  Each evening I have to drag myself away.  Each morning I look forward to going in.  It's a time to savor.

Given all that, I could easily be forgiven for slipping back to old habits and dropping my workout routine.  At least, I've thought about it and I could forgive myself for bad behavior.  All the changes I've made this year have required focus and effort I've never dedicated to myself before.  Without that intensity how can I ever expect to make progress?

The strangest part of it all is that I haven't thrown in the towel.   I haven't been as religious about tracking food and meeting my exercise schedule, but I've stuck with my good habits.  I've made decent food choices and attempted workouts every week.  I'm back to walking the stairs.  My menus at home have been simplified for week night crazy.  My gym bag gets packed each night to support me when I do manage to hear my alarm clock in time to go to the gym the next morning.

A few months back I was drowning.  I was overly busy and needed to restructure my days.  I felt fragmented and overwhelmed all the time.  I might even have been entering a funk.  I'm not sure; sadly, I didn't write about it.  I haven't written anything in two months.  I don't like that.  I've never liked leaving holes in my life and that's what it feels like when I go so long without putting pen to paper.

But there is one thing I want to capture right now.  One thing which made a huge difference.  The past month I've given myself permission to not lose weight.  In fact, I've given myself permission to maintain through the new year.  I've changed my MFP goals to reflect this and I'm sticking with it.  If weight comes off, great!  But that's not my focus right now.

I just need to be me for a bit.  I need to continue strengthening my body following years of neglect.  I need to be comfortable with myself and where I'm at.  I need to survive the holidays without losing my mind.  And I'm pretty sure I wasn't in a place two months ago where I could do that.

What does this mean for this blog?

I'm not honestly sure.  The first week of not writing, I pushed it out of my head and really didn't think about anything except surviving to the next day.  While I still have survival days, I've started wanting to express myself again.  I've had a strong urge to write for about a week now.  I keep thinking of things to say, how I want to reintroduce myself after an absence.  In my head, I've said hello a hundred different ways.  I've apologized, excused and rationalized.  Then I go and pack lunches for tomorrow.

Tonight I gave myself permission to just write.  No planning.  Very little premeditation (the opening sentence has been haunting me all day, but just that sentence).  I have to start somewhere.  I can do this.  It's strange to give myself permission to do something like write, but there are always going to be items left on my to-do list at the end of the day.  There are also always going to be words left inside.  I feel the words left inside are a greater loss.  While I can't put off folding clothes forever, at least they are clean.

And I've reestablished contact.  Will I be here every night?  Most likely not.  But tonight I break the silence.  Now that I'm written hello again, it will be hard to stop talking.  We've a lot to catch up on.