Monday, March 19, 2012

That thing I'm not talking about

I mentioned that I joined Weight Watchers and then I haven't talked about it.  At least I haven't given it the attention that I give a lot of other things.  It's so much easier to talk about working out and physical therapy and where I'm going from here.  There's emotion there, but is a mostly positive and all about me getting better one step at a time.

Why don't I feel that way about Weight Watchers?

At my first real weigh in, last week, I frowned as I read the number on the scale.  It was a loss.  A not insignificant loss.  So why was I frowning?  Why did I continue to scowl as I headed to the shower and got myself ready for the day?

There have been so many disappointments over the past 2 decades.  To lose weight only means that I'll gain it back at a later date.  Life will get busy and I'll be less vigilant and the weight will reappear.  That's what happens every time.  If I don't lose the weight in the first place, then I don't have to experience the crushing defeat when it comes home.

It's hard to be hopeful.  To think that this time will be different.  This time I'm working out.  The working out became a routine before the dietary changes were tackled.  The combination is what makes it all work.  Diet and Exercise.  Exercise and Diet.  I'm doing this the right way.

And I'm terrified.  I'm scared it won't work.  I'm afraid something else will crop up and get in the way again.  To put in all these hours and all this work only to end up back where I am right now.  Crushing.  Of all the goods and bads in my life so far, the worst seems to hit when I think I've failed.  To look at myself and wonder where the deficiency in me came from that this program that works for millions didn't work for me.

These fears I have to work through.  Even if I never lose another pound, I have to love myself, who I am and what I can do.  I have to learn to do that.  If I'm going to succeed in anything, I have to find ways to support myself and overcome the things that side track me.  Like me.

But there is one more fear that is almost paralyzing.  I have trouble even thinking about it.  What happens when I succeed?

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