As I come to grips (again and again) with all that I'm trying to accomplish, I strive to be as honest with myself as I can. I attempt to set reasonable goals and deadlines. My progress I try to view as I would someone else's; in that way, I am kinder.
Lately I've been using the word obese. It's a word that I've fought with for a long time. When my BMI began to exceed the overweight range, I argued that I had big bones. Not that I even know what that means. Then a little while later I just stopped talking about it at all. I had to protect myself from people who would use that word against me. Hearing it aloud triggered an immediate fight response in me.
In time, I began to look at BMI the same way. It was a tool others used to point out all the things that were wrong with me. I clung to how incomplete the measurement was. Talking about my BMI, doctors would find that I immediately tuned them out. Earlier this year, I started making piece with BMI. Mine was 38.8 at the time. That shocked to me. At the start of the year it was 41.2. These numbers are so far outside the range of normal. I could no longer look at that number and believe that BMI was a useless measurement.
Today, four months later, eight months from the start, my BMI is 36.8. I've made progress, significant progress. I like looking at the original number compared to now because the leading 4 makes the leading 3 seem all that more impressive. I'm struggling to look at that number as a measurement and not a character flaw. But there is a truth I'm starting to accept...
I am obese.
As such I've been attempting to allow the word back into my vocabulary. It is a medical condition. Looking at the definition, I can understand why I've fought that word. At least according to Wikipedia, a person cannot be obese and healthy. They have to be obese and otherwise healthy. Obesity means that the person is carrying excess body weight which will lead to other diseases. I guess this is where the problem lies. It's a medical condition with a loaded future, more loaded than might be warranted.
A few days ago, I was discussing my struggles of late in person with someone who loves me. I used the word obese several times while describing the overwhelming feeling I've been experiencing. Each time I said the word, it made my listener cringe. As I stopped talking, she said, "I don't use that word. It's an ugly word." I went onto explain my feelings about the word; it certainly isn't pretty. And I'm definitely conflicted about it.
It's Voldemort.
It's the Condition-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named. We don't know what it means. We don't know how to fight it. We are scared of what it is doing to our health and our children's health. We see it shaping the world around us. We don't feel like we can stop it. Or even help. So we stop talking about it.
I'm not going to rid the world of obesity on this journey. But I can accept its effects in my life and myself. I am obese. I say that not to embrace and celebrate it, but to say that I know
where I'm at and what I have to do. I'm accepting these changes as
forever changes. I am serious. I will change this for myself. And one day I'll link back to this post and add some new characteristic to my self description. I look forward to that day.
Showing posts with label ruminations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ruminations. Show all posts
Friday, August 31, 2012
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Finding my track
I'm being very quiet right now. Words are a bit elusive. I want so much to share all that is going on in my head, but I'm afraid. Too much of it is conflicting and way too much of it is negative. I'm struggling to figure out how to balance striving for a goal with loving yourself just as you are. Especially when that goal is centered on the imperfections you see in the mirror. I do not have the answers. Some days I wonder if there are answers.
The numbers have officially gotten to me. I've been obsessing over them for weeks (maybe months now). They have infected my happy and I haven't been able to shake them. All I find is more reason to criticize myself. To judge me. Not only is it counter productive, but I'm too close. There is no objectivity when looking at oneself. How can there be? The numbers were to provide objectivity, but I've turned them negative. All I tend to see is how much better I can do. Not how much I've accomplished.
Last week I was introduced to a movement called Fat Acceptance. I understand this to be a movement to change the perception of fat people in society at large. I can appreciate the need for that. I'm obese, but I'm not lazy. I have weight to lose, but that is not the source of all my medical issues. Obese people need access to the same things people of normal weight need. All that I can buy into.
However, I also believe that being overweight can cause stress on the body which would not occur at a different weight. Similar to how running will cause stress on the body that wouldn't be experienced by a non-runner. The idea that you can be 100% healthy regardless of weight is not something I'm sure I agree with. My weight is a symptom of the lifestyles I've lived which, at the points when I was gaining weight, were most definitely not healthy. For me at least, I do not consider my health to be 100% with the weight that I carry.
Where does this leave me?
This process is going to take years. For me it is not as simple as reduce calories, exercise more, lose weight, be happy. At least I don't think it is. The first two steps I believe will lead to the third. This is what I have witnessed, how I've succeeded so far this year. The fourth step is the problem step. Will doing these things make me happy?
Or do I have to be happy first? Be Happy. Exercise More. Reduce Calories. Lose Weight. Is that the correct order? If so, I have to start with a much much harder question. What makes me happy? Is happy even the right word? I'm not always going to be happy. But I need to be making healthy decisions even when I'm not happy.
This is what I mean by confused and conflicting. I'm stuck in this place of inaction and I'm scared if I don't get out of it all the weight will creep right back while I'm busy trying to figure out my next step. At this point, the pragmatist steps in and says 'Just do something.' I tend to listen to the pragmatist. So here's what I'll do.
First, no more number posts. I'm pretending to be objective when I'm really not. Time to knock it off. I'm continuing the calorie counting. That is helping me. But I don't need to analyze it. Not right now. I am on the fence about my weigh-ins. I've been weighing myself each Wednesday and that is a good practice. I just have to work on not beating myself up over what the number says. Monthly I'll still share as I really want to keep track of how my weight changes over time, especially with regard to how I'm feeling.
Second, I'm modifying my workouts. All this started because I decided to run a 5K. That hasn't happened, but I've pushed myself and walked a 5K three times. Each time I've done better but still experienced cramping in my hips by mile 2. I did some looking and there are a few walking programs out there that get you ready for distance walks. I'm going to pick one and see if taking a more gradual approach will help me overcome these muscle issues. That will be shared here of course.
Third, more of my day to day life will be showing up here. I do a lot when it comes to health only a portion of which has been shared here. Given that I'm not going to capture a miraculous 100 pound loss in a year on this blog, I can capture some other very awesome things that I'm learning or doing. And really won't a record of all that be even more miraculous?
The numbers have officially gotten to me. I've been obsessing over them for weeks (maybe months now). They have infected my happy and I haven't been able to shake them. All I find is more reason to criticize myself. To judge me. Not only is it counter productive, but I'm too close. There is no objectivity when looking at oneself. How can there be? The numbers were to provide objectivity, but I've turned them negative. All I tend to see is how much better I can do. Not how much I've accomplished.
Last week I was introduced to a movement called Fat Acceptance. I understand this to be a movement to change the perception of fat people in society at large. I can appreciate the need for that. I'm obese, but I'm not lazy. I have weight to lose, but that is not the source of all my medical issues. Obese people need access to the same things people of normal weight need. All that I can buy into.
However, I also believe that being overweight can cause stress on the body which would not occur at a different weight. Similar to how running will cause stress on the body that wouldn't be experienced by a non-runner. The idea that you can be 100% healthy regardless of weight is not something I'm sure I agree with. My weight is a symptom of the lifestyles I've lived which, at the points when I was gaining weight, were most definitely not healthy. For me at least, I do not consider my health to be 100% with the weight that I carry.
Where does this leave me?
This process is going to take years. For me it is not as simple as reduce calories, exercise more, lose weight, be happy. At least I don't think it is. The first two steps I believe will lead to the third. This is what I have witnessed, how I've succeeded so far this year. The fourth step is the problem step. Will doing these things make me happy?
Or do I have to be happy first? Be Happy. Exercise More. Reduce Calories. Lose Weight. Is that the correct order? If so, I have to start with a much much harder question. What makes me happy? Is happy even the right word? I'm not always going to be happy. But I need to be making healthy decisions even when I'm not happy.
This is what I mean by confused and conflicting. I'm stuck in this place of inaction and I'm scared if I don't get out of it all the weight will creep right back while I'm busy trying to figure out my next step. At this point, the pragmatist steps in and says 'Just do something.' I tend to listen to the pragmatist. So here's what I'll do.
First, no more number posts. I'm pretending to be objective when I'm really not. Time to knock it off. I'm continuing the calorie counting. That is helping me. But I don't need to analyze it. Not right now. I am on the fence about my weigh-ins. I've been weighing myself each Wednesday and that is a good practice. I just have to work on not beating myself up over what the number says. Monthly I'll still share as I really want to keep track of how my weight changes over time, especially with regard to how I'm feeling.
Second, I'm modifying my workouts. All this started because I decided to run a 5K. That hasn't happened, but I've pushed myself and walked a 5K three times. Each time I've done better but still experienced cramping in my hips by mile 2. I did some looking and there are a few walking programs out there that get you ready for distance walks. I'm going to pick one and see if taking a more gradual approach will help me overcome these muscle issues. That will be shared here of course.
Third, more of my day to day life will be showing up here. I do a lot when it comes to health only a portion of which has been shared here. Given that I'm not going to capture a miraculous 100 pound loss in a year on this blog, I can capture some other very awesome things that I'm learning or doing. And really won't a record of all that be even more miraculous?
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Celebrating Progress
I've drafted three posts now and haven't published a single one. I'm so tired of complaining about my life and my progress. I'm actually tired of hearing myself complain. Every time I've tried to justify not writing I read my words and hear a whine in my voice that I don't like. This is taking too long. I'm working so hard. I messed up my diet. I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm tired.
As of this month I've lost 21 pounds. I've been ruminating over the number for days, actually weeks, now. I think about it all the time. At no point since I started this weight loss iteration have I obsessed over a number like I have this one. I've lost more than this in the past. Forty pounds lost was the climax of my weight watchers experience. Twenty of that never came back as anything more than temporary baby weight.
Having reached 21 pounds lost, I'm now at my lowest weight in my adult life, 219. I don't remember the moment when I crossed into the 220s for the first time, but I know it was before I graduated from undergrad. Reaching 219 is a huge accomplishment. One to be celebrated! Every step forward from here is a step into unknown territory. I'm no longer reversing the ups and downs of failed diets. I'm breaking new ground with every forward step.
Thinking back I didn't diet in college. My weight management plan was to buy another Diet Coke with a side of cigarettes; a substitution habit which began in high school. Food was impulsive and secondary. I don't remember thinking more about it than where the free food locations were (Engineering Building Atrium), how much a box of Rice Roni cost (89 cents) or if the 7 Eleven nachos were fresh (No, always No). Looking back, my many attempts to quit smoking definitely contributed to my weight gain. I don't remember ever losing weight when I would give into the cravings; smoking would just stop the upward trend. That habit steadily declined until late 2007 when I decided I wanted kids. Finally I quit for the last time.
Now I find myself at my lowest weight. I'm no longer a smoker. Diet Coke still happens, but on the order of maybe 32 ounces a month (I easily consumed 64 ounces a day). I've learned buckets about food and portions and exercise and nutrition. I'm working out harder and longer than ever before. I can feel myself getting stronger. And none of the changes I've made to my life are dangerous, unhealthy or unsustainable.
Wow. I have so much to celebrate.
Why do I hesitate? Fear that I can't do it without those habits. Nostalgia for all the plates of nachos consumed without a care. Doubt that the weight won't come back two fold. Fatigue from pushing myself to change while maintaining a life I love. Remorse over not taking care of myself sooner. Worry that it is too little too late. How can I celebrate when I still have so far to go? I'm a fat person celebrating being less fat. It's obscene.
And I'm being harsh. I know that. I recognize it. I'm not being nice or kind or forgiving towards myself. That is one of the things my husband called me out on months ago. This process is all about learning how to take care of me. What habits will serve me well. What does my body need to thrive. How can I feed my soul without food. As I try, learn and incorporate new things, even discarding previous staples, I'll feel better and the weight will come off.
Celebrating would feel good. I should try it sometime.
As of this month I've lost 21 pounds. I've been ruminating over the number for days, actually weeks, now. I think about it all the time. At no point since I started this weight loss iteration have I obsessed over a number like I have this one. I've lost more than this in the past. Forty pounds lost was the climax of my weight watchers experience. Twenty of that never came back as anything more than temporary baby weight.
Having reached 21 pounds lost, I'm now at my lowest weight in my adult life, 219. I don't remember the moment when I crossed into the 220s for the first time, but I know it was before I graduated from undergrad. Reaching 219 is a huge accomplishment. One to be celebrated! Every step forward from here is a step into unknown territory. I'm no longer reversing the ups and downs of failed diets. I'm breaking new ground with every forward step.
Thinking back I didn't diet in college. My weight management plan was to buy another Diet Coke with a side of cigarettes; a substitution habit which began in high school. Food was impulsive and secondary. I don't remember thinking more about it than where the free food locations were (Engineering Building Atrium), how much a box of Rice Roni cost (89 cents) or if the 7 Eleven nachos were fresh (No, always No). Looking back, my many attempts to quit smoking definitely contributed to my weight gain. I don't remember ever losing weight when I would give into the cravings; smoking would just stop the upward trend. That habit steadily declined until late 2007 when I decided I wanted kids. Finally I quit for the last time.
Now I find myself at my lowest weight. I'm no longer a smoker. Diet Coke still happens, but on the order of maybe 32 ounces a month (I easily consumed 64 ounces a day). I've learned buckets about food and portions and exercise and nutrition. I'm working out harder and longer than ever before. I can feel myself getting stronger. And none of the changes I've made to my life are dangerous, unhealthy or unsustainable.
Wow. I have so much to celebrate.
Why do I hesitate? Fear that I can't do it without those habits. Nostalgia for all the plates of nachos consumed without a care. Doubt that the weight won't come back two fold. Fatigue from pushing myself to change while maintaining a life I love. Remorse over not taking care of myself sooner. Worry that it is too little too late. How can I celebrate when I still have so far to go? I'm a fat person celebrating being less fat. It's obscene.
And I'm being harsh. I know that. I recognize it. I'm not being nice or kind or forgiving towards myself. That is one of the things my husband called me out on months ago. This process is all about learning how to take care of me. What habits will serve me well. What does my body need to thrive. How can I feed my soul without food. As I try, learn and incorporate new things, even discarding previous staples, I'll feel better and the weight will come off.
Celebrating would feel good. I should try it sometime.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Lessons
Yesterday I was feeling strong. I was positive. I started thinking about what I wanted to teach my girls as they watched me go through this. Because I know they are watching. Ideas that kept swimming in my mind include:
Those first two lessons are something I wish I'd know 20 years ago. Maybe they were offered; maybe they weren't. I didn't see, internalize or act on them. And I truly wish I had. I focused for years on working hard to make up for my perceived shortcomings. I've pushed so hard to excel at my course work, advance in my career, build my family, I neglected major parts of me. Most notably my body and health. I hope that realization doesn't turn into the regret in the coming years. Me is something I plan to take care of now.
Which brings me to this month's weigh-in. Today I weighed in at 219. I have lost one pound since June. I started writing up a list of all the reasons why I should still feel good about the last month. The list didn't feel right. It was me talking myself out of feeling what I'm feeling.
Quite simply I am disappointed. In my progress. In myself. In this process. I want all this work to pay off much MUCH faster than it is. I'm tired all the time. With today's weigh-in I am also sad. I'm telling myself this is okay. Permanent change isn't fast. Results will come when I make sustainable changes. It's okay to be frustrated and fed up. Which brings me to another lesson.
It's not PC. It's not pretty. And it's not always nice. When you find a goal that means the world to you. When you decide it is your mission to reach that goal. When that purpose lights you up and makes you want more. Do not give up. Don't settle for less. Don't let anyone get in your way. Including yourself. Especially yourself.
This month I've allowed some old habits back in. Those habits have chipped away at my resolve and my progress. I've let them. I have actively looked the other way while I made poor decisions. I hate that I'm a self-saboteur, but I'm not sure I can call myself anything else. One thought keeps coming to mind as I chew over the last month - I'm tired. I'm not completely sure why. After 7 months and 21 pounds, is some sort of mission fatigue setting in? Is this a yet unidentified funk? Do I just need to get to bed earlier?
Now is the time to figure it out. I'm not giving up. Back to earlier bedtimes, homemade lunches and weeknight prep hour. Back to stopping when I know I've reached my calorie limit for the day. Back to believing that I not only can but will accomplish this goal. If the tired continues, I will see the doctor. But first it's time to dump all the excuses.
Take care of yourself now.
Prepare to succeed.
Hard work opens doors.
Those first two lessons are something I wish I'd know 20 years ago. Maybe they were offered; maybe they weren't. I didn't see, internalize or act on them. And I truly wish I had. I focused for years on working hard to make up for my perceived shortcomings. I've pushed so hard to excel at my course work, advance in my career, build my family, I neglected major parts of me. Most notably my body and health. I hope that realization doesn't turn into the regret in the coming years. Me is something I plan to take care of now.
Which brings me to this month's weigh-in. Today I weighed in at 219. I have lost one pound since June. I started writing up a list of all the reasons why I should still feel good about the last month. The list didn't feel right. It was me talking myself out of feeling what I'm feeling.
Quite simply I am disappointed. In my progress. In myself. In this process. I want all this work to pay off much MUCH faster than it is. I'm tired all the time. With today's weigh-in I am also sad. I'm telling myself this is okay. Permanent change isn't fast. Results will come when I make sustainable changes. It's okay to be frustrated and fed up. Which brings me to another lesson.
Don't compromise.
It's not PC. It's not pretty. And it's not always nice. When you find a goal that means the world to you. When you decide it is your mission to reach that goal. When that purpose lights you up and makes you want more. Do not give up. Don't settle for less. Don't let anyone get in your way. Including yourself. Especially yourself.
This month I've allowed some old habits back in. Those habits have chipped away at my resolve and my progress. I've let them. I have actively looked the other way while I made poor decisions. I hate that I'm a self-saboteur, but I'm not sure I can call myself anything else. One thought keeps coming to mind as I chew over the last month - I'm tired. I'm not completely sure why. After 7 months and 21 pounds, is some sort of mission fatigue setting in? Is this a yet unidentified funk? Do I just need to get to bed earlier?
Now is the time to figure it out. I'm not giving up. Back to earlier bedtimes, homemade lunches and weeknight prep hour. Back to stopping when I know I've reached my calorie limit for the day. Back to believing that I not only can but will accomplish this goal. If the tired continues, I will see the doctor. But first it's time to dump all the excuses.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
My Fitness Pal
Last week I learned that my sisters were on My Fitness Pal. I've had a MFP account for a while - their database of foods is pretty substantial - but I haven't really used their site as much as I've used Sparkpeople. Their web interface did nothing for me when I checked it out briefly, but I hadn't really looked into their mobile app. After hearing my sisters rave over how easy it was, I decided to join in and see how things went. Turns out, the app is a huge improvement over the website. Here's what I've tracked this past week.
Tracking via the iPhone app is easy. I love that I can scan bar codes to enter foods. Where Sparkpeople gives a 250 calories range for me to stay within, My Fitness Pal gives me a number to stay under, 1630. Any cardio that is added is automatically included in your allowable calories for the day. I think I like that through I've been trying not to eat those extra calories. I've setup my account for losing 1 pound per week. If not eating my exercise calories means I lose a little faster then yeah, but I'm not going to give myself too much room to go over my 1600 calorie goal.
They also provide some good graphics as to how you are doing as the week progresses. I found this graph to be motivating as the week went on. It shows numbers different from those int he table because it includes exercise calories in the totals. Also motivating is this little message they give you at the end of each day "
| Monday, July 9 | 1596 | |
| Tuesday, July 10 | 1665 | Thai Basil Pork was worse than I thought |
| Wednesday, July 11 | 1600 | BINGO! |
| Thursday, July 12 | 1596 | |
| Friday, July 13 | 1891 | Wegman's Hot Bar Smorgasbord |
| Saturday, July 14 | 1648 | |
| Sunday, July 15 | 1813 | Pizza for lunch - soo good! |
Tracking via the iPhone app is easy. I love that I can scan bar codes to enter foods. Where Sparkpeople gives a 250 calories range for me to stay within, My Fitness Pal gives me a number to stay under, 1630. Any cardio that is added is automatically included in your allowable calories for the day. I think I like that through I've been trying not to eat those extra calories. I've setup my account for losing 1 pound per week. If not eating my exercise calories means I lose a little faster then yeah, but I'm not going to give myself too much room to go over my 1600 calorie goal.
They also provide some good graphics as to how you are doing as the week progresses. I found this graph to be motivating as the week went on. It shows numbers different from those int he table because it includes exercise calories in the totals. Also motivating is this little message they give you at the end of each day "
- Consistent Tracking: I tracked every day! It helps to have a new toy to play with.
- 1600 Daily Goal: 4 days out of 7 tracked were between 1400 and 1650.
- Weekly Average: 1687
- Monthly Average: 1684
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Funk Endith
As of this week, I believe I can now declare my funk officially ended. I had lots of emotions ranging from glee to utter frustration, but none have swallowed me whole for days. This a a good thing.
While meeting with my trainer yesterday, she asked a question I've been asked by someone each time I leave a funk, but I've never thought to ask myself.
This is such a vital question. The first time I was asked, I thought back on earlier this year. I'd signed up for a 5K that I couldn't run. I'd signed up with a friend. I wasn't going to quit, but I was really not feeling good about the outcome of things. As my friend continued her C25K program, I started packing my bag each night to make it to the gym the next morning. I couldn't keep up in the program, but I could choose to not give up on my bigger goal. I knew that getting to the gym was part of that.
So every evening I made sure my gym bag was packed. more often than not, I got up the next morning and went to the gym. Eventually I left the funk behind. I remember being so dark and I remember thinking I couldn't do any of this. but I shoved it away and kept moving and then I just felt better. The first time I was asked that question I blamed my friend, or maybe my friend keeping tabs on me, for pulling me through.
This time? What turned it around? As I tried to come up with an answer, a summary of the last month tumbled out of me. My foot pushed me out of the gym. I spent two full days off schedule working on a service project. My kids got sick. We demolished part of our yard. I was tired. I got new shoes. My feet started feeling better. The project was successful. My kids got better. The yard got finished. I was still tired.
I told myself at the beginning of July to go back to the gym. And I listened to me. I wasn't getting any less tired. There wasn't going to be any less life happening in the near future (for which I am thankful). I was tired before I stopped going to the gym. Enough was enough. I needed to get started again. And I did.
But I can't say what turned it around. Just like I can't say what exactly turned it around last time. As an engineer, I want to dissect my actions and thoughts and find the trigger so I can pull it again next time I get in a funk. I want the funk to end because my schedule says it is time to end, damn it! I want to feel better all the time and stop spending energy and effort on being down.
The rest of me laughs. The engineer is humored so much of the time, allowed to schedule and manipulate, refine and control. But sometimes it isn't going to get a say. The rest of me needs time and space as well. If the rest of me is dark, then I'm dark. If I'm down, then meetings will be moved and schedules rearranged. Funks are going to happen. I am not going to be able to schedule them for convenient times. I am not a machine in need of fixing. Maybe I simply need to be a little more careful to not treat myself like I'm broken.
While meeting with my trainer yesterday, she asked a question I've been asked by someone each time I leave a funk, but I've never thought to ask myself.
"What turned it around?"
This is such a vital question. The first time I was asked, I thought back on earlier this year. I'd signed up for a 5K that I couldn't run. I'd signed up with a friend. I wasn't going to quit, but I was really not feeling good about the outcome of things. As my friend continued her C25K program, I started packing my bag each night to make it to the gym the next morning. I couldn't keep up in the program, but I could choose to not give up on my bigger goal. I knew that getting to the gym was part of that.
So every evening I made sure my gym bag was packed. more often than not, I got up the next morning and went to the gym. Eventually I left the funk behind. I remember being so dark and I remember thinking I couldn't do any of this. but I shoved it away and kept moving and then I just felt better. The first time I was asked that question I blamed my friend, or maybe my friend keeping tabs on me, for pulling me through.
This time? What turned it around? As I tried to come up with an answer, a summary of the last month tumbled out of me. My foot pushed me out of the gym. I spent two full days off schedule working on a service project. My kids got sick. We demolished part of our yard. I was tired. I got new shoes. My feet started feeling better. The project was successful. My kids got better. The yard got finished. I was still tired.
I told myself at the beginning of July to go back to the gym. And I listened to me. I wasn't getting any less tired. There wasn't going to be any less life happening in the near future (for which I am thankful). I was tired before I stopped going to the gym. Enough was enough. I needed to get started again. And I did.
But I can't say what turned it around. Just like I can't say what exactly turned it around last time. As an engineer, I want to dissect my actions and thoughts and find the trigger so I can pull it again next time I get in a funk. I want the funk to end because my schedule says it is time to end, damn it! I want to feel better all the time and stop spending energy and effort on being down.
The rest of me laughs. The engineer is humored so much of the time, allowed to schedule and manipulate, refine and control. But sometimes it isn't going to get a say. The rest of me needs time and space as well. If the rest of me is dark, then I'm dark. If I'm down, then meetings will be moved and schedules rearranged. Funks are going to happen. I am not going to be able to schedule them for convenient times. I am not a machine in need of fixing. Maybe I simply need to be a little more careful to not treat myself like I'm broken.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Disconnect
Surrounded by friends, I heard myself laughing. I'm not sad all the time. Or maybe it is more accurate to say not all of me is sad. There are parts which are still kicking butt and have a grand time. Even when I feel overwhelmingly sad, not all of me is sad. Maybe that is what resides in the empty place. When I don't fill it in, the sadness has a little more space to take up. It's just a little more noticeable.
That's better than being just sad. I can deal with that. I can get back on track and make progress despite this ache that doesn't want to go away. There's no disrespect implied by setting the sadness to the side for a little while and feeling something else. It gets incorporated and can stay right where it is in its rightful place alongside all my other emotions. Why does this one of all of them seem to reprehensible to me? It's just a feeling.
Today I have PT. It's my last PT appointment. Hopefully ever. I can't say I feel as though I'm finishing strong, but I do feel like I'm done. Today's appointment will hopefully reaffirm that. the only very mild regret I have is not getting my abs strong enough to get my feet under the stick in the reverse curl. That will be a goal in the coming months. My therapist swears that it is possible and multiple people have demonstrated it. I just can't quite seem to get there yet. I will get there.
Next week the kids are back to day care and my life settles back into its usual pattern. My foot has been feeling pretty good all week, not perfect, but much better. These are the final excuses I'm using to not go to the gym. It's time to kick them to the curb. Plus I have an appointment with the personal trainer on July 11th. I need to be ready for that. Next week I'll be back in the gym 3 times per week. I know it is under my 4 times per week goal, but after a month off I think it is a good goal.
Could this be me getting back on track? I certainly hope so.
That's better than being just sad. I can deal with that. I can get back on track and make progress despite this ache that doesn't want to go away. There's no disrespect implied by setting the sadness to the side for a little while and feeling something else. It gets incorporated and can stay right where it is in its rightful place alongside all my other emotions. Why does this one of all of them seem to reprehensible to me? It's just a feeling.
Today I have PT. It's my last PT appointment. Hopefully ever. I can't say I feel as though I'm finishing strong, but I do feel like I'm done. Today's appointment will hopefully reaffirm that. the only very mild regret I have is not getting my abs strong enough to get my feet under the stick in the reverse curl. That will be a goal in the coming months. My therapist swears that it is possible and multiple people have demonstrated it. I just can't quite seem to get there yet. I will get there.
Next week the kids are back to day care and my life settles back into its usual pattern. My foot has been feeling pretty good all week, not perfect, but much better. These are the final excuses I'm using to not go to the gym. It's time to kick them to the curb. Plus I have an appointment with the personal trainer on July 11th. I need to be ready for that. Next week I'll be back in the gym 3 times per week. I know it is under my 4 times per week goal, but after a month off I think it is a good goal.
Could this be me getting back on track? I certainly hope so.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Don't beat yourself up
If yesterday was dark, today is darker. I weighed in and the numbers went in the wrong direction. First time that's happened since I quit Weight Watchers. It was inevitable. I'm not only feeling unsurprised but somewhat justified in seeing what I figured would happen eventually. It always happens, right?
When talking about fears and feelings, these are the ones that reach in and strangle me. To dull the ache, I remind myself this is just the way my life works. I suck it up and keep moving simply because there is no other choice being offered. I'm a victim to life. I start getting mad because I'm being a ninnie. I shove myself around until I get back to some arbitrary functional measurement. In time, I can ignore the feelings long enough for them to be reabsorbed. Once they are buried again, their teeth don't hurt so much.
This time is different. I'm not being allowed to shut up and push myself back to where I was. I didn't ask to change this pattern, but a few things changed when I wasn't looking. First I started writing. I've always kept a private journal. But it is for me in the moment. Even there I tend to record happy or angry moments. There isn't a lot of the in between. I don't write about the painful middle when I'm not taking action. Yesterday I wrote about that moment.
Second, I asked my husband to let me lose my temper and get mad. It sounds strange, but I haven't let that happen in years. Not externally. It wasn't my husband's fault that I suppressed all the negative emotions. I just didn't want to fight. Between babies and work and life, I didn't have the energy to deal with the intensity of those emotions. I put a cap on my temper and sadness and frantic energy. It was draining, but it wasn't as draining as I thought dealing with being out of control would be. So I utilized the same skills I leverage at work to distance myself at home. It worked in that we didn't fight.
And then it didn't. I came up with a big goal. That goal is sapping time and energy from maintaining my cool. It's requiring me to dig deeper and reorganize my life and my comforting patterns. I'm getting mad. At myself. At my family. At my life. I've caught myself lashing out against the people who love me the most. And I'm sad and tired too much of the time. Everything is out of whack and I'm not handling it well. I'm not happy with myself. Again.
Love yourself. Nurture yourself. Understand yourself. It takes time. And patience. And precious energy. I'm not going to continue my wallow. But I'm not going to stomp on myself this time. This is a process. A long one. I'm in a low and that is okay. I can already see changes happening. I've been here before and the days will lighten up again. While it lasts, I can be patient and give myself a chance to sort through some of the baggage of a dark day. If I take the chance now, maybe there will be a little less there the next time I find myself in this place.
When talking about fears and feelings, these are the ones that reach in and strangle me. To dull the ache, I remind myself this is just the way my life works. I suck it up and keep moving simply because there is no other choice being offered. I'm a victim to life. I start getting mad because I'm being a ninnie. I shove myself around until I get back to some arbitrary functional measurement. In time, I can ignore the feelings long enough for them to be reabsorbed. Once they are buried again, their teeth don't hurt so much.
This time is different. I'm not being allowed to shut up and push myself back to where I was. I didn't ask to change this pattern, but a few things changed when I wasn't looking. First I started writing. I've always kept a private journal. But it is for me in the moment. Even there I tend to record happy or angry moments. There isn't a lot of the in between. I don't write about the painful middle when I'm not taking action. Yesterday I wrote about that moment.
Second, I asked my husband to let me lose my temper and get mad. It sounds strange, but I haven't let that happen in years. Not externally. It wasn't my husband's fault that I suppressed all the negative emotions. I just didn't want to fight. Between babies and work and life, I didn't have the energy to deal with the intensity of those emotions. I put a cap on my temper and sadness and frantic energy. It was draining, but it wasn't as draining as I thought dealing with being out of control would be. So I utilized the same skills I leverage at work to distance myself at home. It worked in that we didn't fight.
And then it didn't. I came up with a big goal. That goal is sapping time and energy from maintaining my cool. It's requiring me to dig deeper and reorganize my life and my comforting patterns. I'm getting mad. At myself. At my family. At my life. I've caught myself lashing out against the people who love me the most. And I'm sad and tired too much of the time. Everything is out of whack and I'm not handling it well. I'm not happy with myself. Again.
"If it is okay for you to beat yourself up, it becomes okay for you to beat up everyone around you. It's not okay."These words have echoed in my head for days now. Following my last outburst, I was told that I was loved and everything was fine, but the lashing out was not okay. It might be tolerated and part of the process, but I need to be aware of it and be working on it. Because it was not okay to treat anyone that way. It was particularly not okay to treat myself that way.
Love yourself. Nurture yourself. Understand yourself. It takes time. And patience. And precious energy. I'm not going to continue my wallow. But I'm not going to stomp on myself this time. This is a process. A long one. I'm in a low and that is okay. I can already see changes happening. I've been here before and the days will lighten up again. While it lasts, I can be patient and give myself a chance to sort through some of the baggage of a dark day. If I take the chance now, maybe there will be a little less there the next time I find myself in this place.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Identity
Lately I've been talking with my husband more about my 100 pound goal. Where I was on top of the world last month, this month I'm struggling. Going to the gym in the morning has dropped out of existence. Weight loss is continuing due to my calorie restrictions. My foot is getting better. Slowly. All the systems that keep my world working experienced a crash and burn right in front of my eyes. Those systems are in the process of being reborn. As of right now, I haven't found time to put the gym back in yet.
It is scaring me. I liked how I was feeling and I believe those hours are going to become increasingly necessary for me to reach my goal and maintain. The work I put in at the gym also translates to other areas. My general well-being feels affected. In the past few weeks, food has stopped satisfying me. Nothing is good enough any more. My cravings are turned to nachos and french fries and burritos. Foods which have always helped fill the void.
There is an empty spot in me. It's a feeling I've had for a very long time, but it wasn't here a few weeks ago. I was busy and full to the brim. I was succeeding. I was in control. Now I don't feel that way. Something broke between heel pain, sick kids and service projects. Somewhere in there I got drained of whatever it was that was making me feel strong. Now I feel overwhelmed and lost.
I poured all this and more out on my husband. He hugged and comforted and offered support. We've had rough spots in the past over me trying to lose weight, but this time it is different. He's all in for whatever I need to do. It's amazing and empowering to be so supported. There isn't a person in the world who knows me so well. As I started to wind down, all my fears laid out in front of us, he offered a bit of insight.
Do I have to make a choice? How important is going to the gym every morning to me? Can I make a more balanced program by choosing 3 days a week to get up early and get my sweat on? The rhythm of my day is important to me. That I'm sure of. I have to think more about the rest. All this introspection takes time and energy as well. I've been reminding myself that dealing with this inner turmoil is at least as important as working out if not more so. Without all this thinking, I won't succeed at my larger goal. Sitting on my butt wasn't the only reason I got where I am today and getting off it isn't the sole key to the solution.
For too long I've asked my food to fill the emptiness these questions emphasize. That is not only the wrong answer but a way to avoid ever dealing with the question. I have to stop using food to drown my insecurities and dampen the wanderlust. The empty spot is something I need to embrace. As I continue to find success in my weight loss, this emptiness is going to get worse. Who do I want to be? What do I want to do with my life? When I was younger these questions caused me discomfort. I would avoid them because they meant I had to make choices and close doors. As a wife and mother, these questions are absolutely terrifying. They require a depth of belief that I don't necessarily have. A faith that I haven't gotten where I am by accident and against myself.
This is my rabbit hole. For the time being I'm still hovering at the edge. I cling to where I'm at and hope it's where I should be. But I have to address these feelings. I must continue to think on these questions. Success makes me aware of the dirt slipping away under my feet. New territory. Eventually I'll have no choice but to deal with whatever it is that's eating at me. But I'm just not ready yet.
It is scaring me. I liked how I was feeling and I believe those hours are going to become increasingly necessary for me to reach my goal and maintain. The work I put in at the gym also translates to other areas. My general well-being feels affected. In the past few weeks, food has stopped satisfying me. Nothing is good enough any more. My cravings are turned to nachos and french fries and burritos. Foods which have always helped fill the void.
There is an empty spot in me. It's a feeling I've had for a very long time, but it wasn't here a few weeks ago. I was busy and full to the brim. I was succeeding. I was in control. Now I don't feel that way. Something broke between heel pain, sick kids and service projects. Somewhere in there I got drained of whatever it was that was making me feel strong. Now I feel overwhelmed and lost.
I poured all this and more out on my husband. He hugged and comforted and offered support. We've had rough spots in the past over me trying to lose weight, but this time it is different. He's all in for whatever I need to do. It's amazing and empowering to be so supported. There isn't a person in the world who knows me so well. As I started to wind down, all my fears laid out in front of us, he offered a bit of insight.
"There are two versions of you. The newest version starts her day at the gym and works to make good food choices. I like both versions, but you seem to be happier with the newest."Maybe it is as simple as who do I want to be. Do I want starting each day at the gym to be on the top of my priority list? How important it is to me? What am I willing to rearrange to make it happen? A month ago I would have rearranged anything. Today I'm enjoying my later nights puttering around the house and dealing with my domestic issues. Or spending time with my husband. Or sewing. Or writing. Or just playing for a few extra minutes on the internet.
Do I have to make a choice? How important is going to the gym every morning to me? Can I make a more balanced program by choosing 3 days a week to get up early and get my sweat on? The rhythm of my day is important to me. That I'm sure of. I have to think more about the rest. All this introspection takes time and energy as well. I've been reminding myself that dealing with this inner turmoil is at least as important as working out if not more so. Without all this thinking, I won't succeed at my larger goal. Sitting on my butt wasn't the only reason I got where I am today and getting off it isn't the sole key to the solution.
For too long I've asked my food to fill the emptiness these questions emphasize. That is not only the wrong answer but a way to avoid ever dealing with the question. I have to stop using food to drown my insecurities and dampen the wanderlust. The empty spot is something I need to embrace. As I continue to find success in my weight loss, this emptiness is going to get worse. Who do I want to be? What do I want to do with my life? When I was younger these questions caused me discomfort. I would avoid them because they meant I had to make choices and close doors. As a wife and mother, these questions are absolutely terrifying. They require a depth of belief that I don't necessarily have. A faith that I haven't gotten where I am by accident and against myself.
This is my rabbit hole. For the time being I'm still hovering at the edge. I cling to where I'm at and hope it's where I should be. But I have to address these feelings. I must continue to think on these questions. Success makes me aware of the dirt slipping away under my feet. New territory. Eventually I'll have no choice but to deal with whatever it is that's eating at me. But I'm just not ready yet.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Understandable Results and a Deadline
Though I'm only sharing my weight monthly, I do track it on a weekly basis. Each Wednesday morning after I workout but before I shower and get dressed for the day, I weigh-in. Since switching to calorie counting, this is the first Wednesday that I haven't made it to the gym. This past week is also the first week that I haven't worked out at least 4 times per week. With today being weigh-in, I was nervous.
As it turns out, I didn't need to be quite to nervous. My caloric intake stayed about where it has been (a little over the previous week, but not out of control) while my activity went down a little. All said and done, I lost a little less than I usually do. I'm okay with that. Not in the long run of course, but while I'm figuring out my foot, I'm okay with it.
It's definitely strange to have something workout logically like that. I talked to a woman this week who's been living a healthy lifestyle her entire life. She seemed to have an innate understanding of her behaviors that support her health. I wondered at that. To know what your body needs and when it is out of whack... I don't have that understanding. But I'm starting to gain a little of it. Weeks like this really do serve a purpose. I get to see that it isn't all or nothing for one. And I'm learning to listen just a little better to what my body is telling me. Hopefully, sooner than later, my body and I will be speaking to the same language.
Speaking of later, I've given later a date. Later is 600 days from today. It sounds like a lot. 600 Days. The date of later is February 3rd, 2014. It is going to be a Monday. On that day I want to weigh 140 lbs. It feels so strange to type that. That number seems impossible right now. To achieve it by that day I need to lose an average 4.5 pounds per month. That seems more doable, but also a lot of work. A lot of very consistent work.
To get there will be a feat. An awesome feat. A feat to be celebrated. Disney World? A Spa Day? I'm not sure a day will be enough. Maybe a Spa weekend? Maybe I make a girlfriend travel with me to Europe. Or a shopping spree? I've always wanted to be able to wear the clothing in Ann Taylor. At 140 I will definitely be in their size range.
I haven't a clue how I'll celebrate accomplishing the impossible, but I will celebrate. And I'm pretty sure my body will celebrate with me. Not just a celebration of reaching a goal and ending a struggle. More a celebration of a new solid union. Body and mind. I hope even more than fitting in that cute little dress, I'll understand how I accomplished all that I did and what I can do to keep myself healthy and happy for the rest of my life.
As it turns out, I didn't need to be quite to nervous. My caloric intake stayed about where it has been (a little over the previous week, but not out of control) while my activity went down a little. All said and done, I lost a little less than I usually do. I'm okay with that. Not in the long run of course, but while I'm figuring out my foot, I'm okay with it.
It's definitely strange to have something workout logically like that. I talked to a woman this week who's been living a healthy lifestyle her entire life. She seemed to have an innate understanding of her behaviors that support her health. I wondered at that. To know what your body needs and when it is out of whack... I don't have that understanding. But I'm starting to gain a little of it. Weeks like this really do serve a purpose. I get to see that it isn't all or nothing for one. And I'm learning to listen just a little better to what my body is telling me. Hopefully, sooner than later, my body and I will be speaking to the same language.
Speaking of later, I've given later a date. Later is 600 days from today. It sounds like a lot. 600 Days. The date of later is February 3rd, 2014. It is going to be a Monday. On that day I want to weigh 140 lbs. It feels so strange to type that. That number seems impossible right now. To achieve it by that day I need to lose an average 4.5 pounds per month. That seems more doable, but also a lot of work. A lot of very consistent work.
To get there will be a feat. An awesome feat. A feat to be celebrated. Disney World? A Spa Day? I'm not sure a day will be enough. Maybe a Spa weekend? Maybe I make a girlfriend travel with me to Europe. Or a shopping spree? I've always wanted to be able to wear the clothing in Ann Taylor. At 140 I will definitely be in their size range.
I haven't a clue how I'll celebrate accomplishing the impossible, but I will celebrate. And I'm pretty sure my body will celebrate with me. Not just a celebration of reaching a goal and ending a struggle. More a celebration of a new solid union. Body and mind. I hope even more than fitting in that cute little dress, I'll understand how I accomplished all that I did and what I can do to keep myself healthy and happy for the rest of my life.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Affirmation
Some days I wonder at all that I do. Exercise. Work. Cook. Doctors appointments. Bank snafus. Skinned knees. Games of memory. Laundry. I live inside the routines I've created to cope with all my roles in life. The noise and demands make me feel needed and necessary. I sleep very peacefully at night knowing I've fully lived my life that day. I can do anything in this realm. To live this way is success.
Others are spent just doing. Each fire that presents itself is stomped out and relegated to the side. All routines are executed from memory without thinking of how they came to be or who they serve. They must be done. Now. The people and tasks fly by without recognition. I'm harshly effective, managing my life and those in it with impunity. There is little time for understanding or forgiveness. Success is the only acceptable outcome.
I oscillate between the two modes of existence. I prefer wonder. Wandering slowly but effectively through my day loving the process of living. Life wraps me up and I interact with the fog. Not every step is sure but it is intentional. I have a belief that I'll find the right path.
As I wander and wonder, the fog begins to burn away. I cling to the peaceful feelings, but eventually everything comes back into sharp focus. I see the individual tasks and all the steps necessary to get where I'm going. When the fog burns off, purpose replaces it. Just as the wonder is comforting, confidence is empowering. I execute my plans knowing that I am on the right path.
I live most of my life executing plans. However, life gets in the way of executing plans. I'd even go so far to say it messes up good plans. When operating on a deadline and under tight control, there is no margin of error, no time to slow down and interact. I push forward knowing what I have to do and doing it. One foot in front of the other.
But fog gets thicker as you keep moving. It obscures your vision. Eventually fog fills your nose, persisting until you are forced to slow down, come to a stop. I finally have no choice but to stand still and listen. Life's all around me, holding my hand, helping me forget all my plans and deadlines. I take a deep breath and remember where I was going. While I can't make out my goal in all the chaos the surrounds me, I can see it in my mind. With where I'm headed reestablished, I take a deep breath enjoying myself and feeling my life. I tell myself "You can do this". I take another step. Not sure where I am on the path, I keep moving knowing eventually I'll reach my goal.
Others are spent just doing. Each fire that presents itself is stomped out and relegated to the side. All routines are executed from memory without thinking of how they came to be or who they serve. They must be done. Now. The people and tasks fly by without recognition. I'm harshly effective, managing my life and those in it with impunity. There is little time for understanding or forgiveness. Success is the only acceptable outcome.
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| ©2012 Susan Bearman @Two Kinds of People |
As I wander and wonder, the fog begins to burn away. I cling to the peaceful feelings, but eventually everything comes back into sharp focus. I see the individual tasks and all the steps necessary to get where I'm going. When the fog burns off, purpose replaces it. Just as the wonder is comforting, confidence is empowering. I execute my plans knowing that I am on the right path.
I live most of my life executing plans. However, life gets in the way of executing plans. I'd even go so far to say it messes up good plans. When operating on a deadline and under tight control, there is no margin of error, no time to slow down and interact. I push forward knowing what I have to do and doing it. One foot in front of the other.
But fog gets thicker as you keep moving. It obscures your vision. Eventually fog fills your nose, persisting until you are forced to slow down, come to a stop. I finally have no choice but to stand still and listen. Life's all around me, holding my hand, helping me forget all my plans and deadlines. I take a deep breath and remember where I was going. While I can't make out my goal in all the chaos the surrounds me, I can see it in my mind. With where I'm headed reestablished, I take a deep breath enjoying myself and feeling my life. I tell myself "You can do this". I take another step. Not sure where I am on the path, I keep moving knowing eventually I'll reach my goal.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Workout 020604: Fighting Discouragement
Yesterday my physical therapist advised me to not come in and take it easy. After no workout in the morning and no PT I determined that I needed to do something at home. Here's what I did:
5 min Bike
15 Hip Abductors each side
15 Crunches on a Swiss Ball
10 Bicep Curls*
10 Front Raise*
10 Side Raise*
10 Shoulder Press*
15 Swiss Ball Bridges
15 Reverse Curls
Repeat all above one more time
Stretch
*All the arm exercises were done while sitting on a Swiss Ball with a 5 lb weight in each hand.
I'll start by saying I'm exceedingly happy that I did my exercises despite it being 8pm and my heel hurting me. Given that, I will also say that nothing felt quite right. My exercise ball didn't have enough air in it. My coccyx started to hurt. My foot was not better (but no worse, thankfully) from the exercising. And I couldn't find my stick to roll out my legs.
This is why I go to the gym.
That said, I'm not sure how much I can do at the gym right now. This morning I stopped by to drop off the gift certificate for my training sessions, but I didn't work out. It occurred to me half way through the morning that I can swim at the gym even if my foot is hurting. That's what I'll do tomorrow. I'm happy to have a plan of attack to keep moving through this foot thing. It's only been hurting me for 2 full days, but it making me very nervous. I've made so much progress and I'm very worried about derailing it now.
I told myself I would wait until Wednesday to make an appointment for my foot, but I think I'm going to get the appointment scheduled today. Am I being a big baby about this foot? I'm not sure. But I'm so tired of being in pain. I love that I was achieving entire days pain free. Now that I know that is possible I find this pain to be intolerable. I also worry that I'll just get used to it like I did with the hip and knee stuff. Then years go by and I end up a ball of disjointed mess again. Bleck.
So that's enough wallowing for today. Call doctor to make appointment for foot. Swim at gym tomorrow. The plan of action has been determined. Moving on!
5 min Bike
15 Hip Abductors each side
15 Crunches on a Swiss Ball
10 Bicep Curls*
10 Front Raise*
10 Side Raise*
10 Shoulder Press*
15 Swiss Ball Bridges
15 Reverse Curls
Repeat all above one more time
Stretch
*All the arm exercises were done while sitting on a Swiss Ball with a 5 lb weight in each hand.
I'll start by saying I'm exceedingly happy that I did my exercises despite it being 8pm and my heel hurting me. Given that, I will also say that nothing felt quite right. My exercise ball didn't have enough air in it. My coccyx started to hurt. My foot was not better (but no worse, thankfully) from the exercising. And I couldn't find my stick to roll out my legs.
This is why I go to the gym.
That said, I'm not sure how much I can do at the gym right now. This morning I stopped by to drop off the gift certificate for my training sessions, but I didn't work out. It occurred to me half way through the morning that I can swim at the gym even if my foot is hurting. That's what I'll do tomorrow. I'm happy to have a plan of attack to keep moving through this foot thing. It's only been hurting me for 2 full days, but it making me very nervous. I've made so much progress and I'm very worried about derailing it now.
I told myself I would wait until Wednesday to make an appointment for my foot, but I think I'm going to get the appointment scheduled today. Am I being a big baby about this foot? I'm not sure. But I'm so tired of being in pain. I love that I was achieving entire days pain free. Now that I know that is possible I find this pain to be intolerable. I also worry that I'll just get used to it like I did with the hip and knee stuff. Then years go by and I end up a ball of disjointed mess again. Bleck.
So that's enough wallowing for today. Call doctor to make appointment for foot. Swim at gym tomorrow. The plan of action has been determined. Moving on!
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Workout 120529: Focus
Tuesday's Cardio:
5 min Stationary Bike warmup
25 min Elliptical - Cross Trainer 2 setting
5 min Treadmill cool down
Stretch
Oh the stretching felt good today. So good. I'm in love with the Figure Four stretch (which I could be calling the completely wrong name). It is awesome and feels so good. Yesterday and today I repeated my hamstring stretch after I did the figure four and it made a huge difference. I'll have to play around a little more with the order of my stretches and see what happens.
I've been thinking on a new goal or habit for this week and I'm kind of at a loss. I'm feeling pretty good with the progress I'm making. I don't know that I want to mix anything up. Or add anything new in. So... I guess I'm not. However, I am open to any suggestions. Let me know in the comments.
Over the past couple of weeks I've been talking with my husband more and more about what I'm doing. I've been complaining about how many calories are in something or how there is no data available for a lot of restaurants. And did you know that alcohol doesn't have the nutritional data printed on the labels? I find that to be unacceptable.
As you can see I have a lot to talk about. I'm pretty into this right now. I would call it a hobby but I feel that doesn't reflect well on my sticking to it. Whatever I call it, a good portion of my energy each day is dedicating to figuring, tracking, calculating and planning my diet. Given that I like to control things, all these numbers and ideas can make me a ratchet up the intensity to a point where those around me get annoyed.
So I asked my husband if I was being better this time around. I don't want to be a lunatic after all. His response? "You are talking about it incessantly, but it's better than talking about the budget."
*sigh*
My husband is very supportive. But I don't want to be a bore. And I don't want to drive him crazy. And I worry about what all this talk says to my girls. But I'm also not sure there is a better way. To accomplish this goal I have to be a little obsessive, right? That focus is commendable? And healthy?
5 min Stationary Bike warmup
25 min Elliptical - Cross Trainer 2 setting
5 min Treadmill cool down
Stretch
Oh the stretching felt good today. So good. I'm in love with the Figure Four stretch (which I could be calling the completely wrong name). It is awesome and feels so good. Yesterday and today I repeated my hamstring stretch after I did the figure four and it made a huge difference. I'll have to play around a little more with the order of my stretches and see what happens.
I've been thinking on a new goal or habit for this week and I'm kind of at a loss. I'm feeling pretty good with the progress I'm making. I don't know that I want to mix anything up. Or add anything new in. So... I guess I'm not. However, I am open to any suggestions. Let me know in the comments.
Over the past couple of weeks I've been talking with my husband more and more about what I'm doing. I've been complaining about how many calories are in something or how there is no data available for a lot of restaurants. And did you know that alcohol doesn't have the nutritional data printed on the labels? I find that to be unacceptable.
As you can see I have a lot to talk about. I'm pretty into this right now. I would call it a hobby but I feel that doesn't reflect well on my sticking to it. Whatever I call it, a good portion of my energy each day is dedicating to figuring, tracking, calculating and planning my diet. Given that I like to control things, all these numbers and ideas can make me a ratchet up the intensity to a point where those around me get annoyed.
So I asked my husband if I was being better this time around. I don't want to be a lunatic after all. His response? "You are talking about it incessantly, but it's better than talking about the budget."
*sigh*
My husband is very supportive. But I don't want to be a bore. And I don't want to drive him crazy. And I worry about what all this talk says to my girls. But I'm also not sure there is a better way. To accomplish this goal I have to be a little obsessive, right? That focus is commendable? And healthy?
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Engineering My Life
I'm an Engineer. Albeit a Software Engineer, but an Engineer nonetheless. Looking up common qualities found in Engineers:
However, this is my life. It isn't a problem to be solved. Maybe my weight is, but not me. The road I'm walking right now is long and hard and not always kind. The weight I want so desperately to shed is part of me, part of who I am. I keep approaching it as a problem needing a solution. But I'm starting to think there is no solution. There is just me, in all my glorious imperfection. I can devise strategies, make new habits and try to eliminate behaviors that don't benefit me, but at the end of the day... This is me we're talking about. And I'm not a problem.
So where does that leave me?
I have the desire to change an aspect of myself. My weight. There are many traits I possess which have manifested in weight gain. One by one, I must address them. With each I get to brainstorm what I want my life to look like and decide on changes I want to make to get there. Through this process I get to reinvent myself. Re-engineer my life.
That sounds exciting. I've done it before to different degrees. Moving away from home. Integrating myself into a professional team. Becoming a Working Mom. But I must remember to value the process as much as the result. I don't know what the result will look like yet. Weight-loss is the goal, but the result will be much more. It will be me.
- Problem Solver
- Communicates well
- Analytical
- Creative
- Detail Oriented
However, this is my life. It isn't a problem to be solved. Maybe my weight is, but not me. The road I'm walking right now is long and hard and not always kind. The weight I want so desperately to shed is part of me, part of who I am. I keep approaching it as a problem needing a solution. But I'm starting to think there is no solution. There is just me, in all my glorious imperfection. I can devise strategies, make new habits and try to eliminate behaviors that don't benefit me, but at the end of the day... This is me we're talking about. And I'm not a problem.
So where does that leave me?
I have the desire to change an aspect of myself. My weight. There are many traits I possess which have manifested in weight gain. One by one, I must address them. With each I get to brainstorm what I want my life to look like and decide on changes I want to make to get there. Through this process I get to reinvent myself. Re-engineer my life.
That sounds exciting. I've done it before to different degrees. Moving away from home. Integrating myself into a professional team. Becoming a Working Mom. But I must remember to value the process as much as the result. I don't know what the result will look like yet. Weight-loss is the goal, but the result will be much more. It will be me.
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