Finding my track

I'm being very quiet right now.  Words are a bit elusive.  I want so much to share all that is going on in my head, but I'm afraid.  Too much of it is conflicting and way too much of it is negative.  I'm struggling to figure out how to balance striving for a goal with loving yourself just as you are.  Especially when that goal is centered on the imperfections you see in the mirror.  I do not have the answers.  Some days I wonder if there are answers.

The numbers have officially gotten to me.  I've been obsessing over them for weeks (maybe months now).  They have infected my happy and I haven't been able to shake them.  All I find is more reason to criticize myself.  To judge me.  Not only is it counter productive, but I'm too close.  There is no objectivity when looking at oneself.  How can there be?  The numbers were to provide objectivity, but I've turned them negative.  All I tend to see is how much better I can do.  Not how much I've accomplished.

Last week I was introduced to a movement called Fat Acceptance. I understand this to be a movement to change the perception of fat people in society at large.  I can appreciate the need for that.  I'm obese, but I'm not lazy.  I have weight to lose, but that is not the source of all my medical issues.  Obese people need access to the same things people of normal weight need.  All that I can buy into.

However, I also believe that being overweight can cause stress on the body which would not occur at a different weight.  Similar to how running will cause stress on the body that wouldn't be experienced by a non-runner.  The idea that you can be 100% healthy regardless of weight is not something I'm sure I agree with.  My weight is a symptom of the lifestyles I've lived which, at the points when I was gaining weight, were most definitely not healthy.  For me at least, I do not consider my health to be 100% with the weight that I carry.

Where does this leave me?

This process is going to take years.  For me it is not as simple as reduce calories, exercise more, lose weight, be happy.  At least I don't think it is.  The first two steps I believe will lead to the third.  This is what I have witnessed, how I've succeeded so far this year.  The fourth step is the problem step.  Will doing these things make me happy?

Or do I have to be happy first?  Be Happy.  Exercise More.  Reduce Calories.  Lose Weight.  Is that the correct order?  If so, I have to start with a much much harder question.  What makes me happy?  Is happy even the right word?  I'm not always going to be happy.  But I need to be making healthy decisions even when I'm not happy.

This is what I mean by confused and conflicting.  I'm stuck in this place of inaction and I'm scared if I don't get out of it all the weight will creep right back while I'm busy trying to figure out my next step.  At this point, the pragmatist steps in and says 'Just do something.'  I tend to listen to the pragmatist.  So here's what I'll do.

First, no more number posts.  I'm pretending to be objective when I'm really not.  Time to knock it off.  I'm continuing the calorie counting.  That is helping me.  But I don't need to analyze it.  Not right now.  I am on the fence about my weigh-ins.  I've been weighing myself each Wednesday and that is a good practice.  I just have to work on not beating myself up over what the number says.  Monthly I'll still share as I really want to keep track of how my weight changes over time, especially with regard to how I'm feeling.

Second, I'm modifying my workouts.  All this started because I decided to run a 5K.  That hasn't happened, but I've pushed myself and walked a 5K three times.  Each time I've done better but still experienced cramping in my hips by mile 2.  I did some looking and there are a few walking programs out there that get you ready for distance walks.  I'm going to pick one and see if taking a more gradual approach will help me overcome these muscle issues.  That will be shared here of course.

Third,  more of my day to day life will be showing up here.  I do a lot when it comes to health only a portion of which has been shared here.  Given that I'm not going to capture a miraculous 100 pound loss in a year on this blog, I can capture some other very awesome things that I'm learning or doing.  And really won't a record of all that be even more miraculous?

Workout 120606: Flipper

I'm still concerned about my heel.  It still hurts.  But I don't want to ruin my gym habit, so to the gym I headed this morning.  My workout?

20 min Swimming

That looks to inadequate to me.  However those 20 minutes were hard!  I know how to swim, but I'm not a smooth swimmer.  I'm not overly coordinated at anything.  Keeping my breathing regular and timing my breaths for when my face wasn't underwater was HARD.  Plus there is the whole propelling myself through water.

This week I'll be doing a little research on how to exercise in a pool when you aren't going to drown, but are really uncoordinated.  I'm not quite sure how I'll phrase that for Google, but I'll share any particularly enlightening searches.  Also, I need to purchase a pair of swim goggles.  In addition to breathing while swimming, seeing would be useful so I don't run into things.  Thankfully there are ropes and walls to keep me from running into other swimmers.  And I guess I'm past worrying about looking like a dork at the pool...  Anyone who is really worried about it isn't working out hard enough.  Shame on them!

Also, yesterday marked my first full day elevator free after my momentary relapse on Monday.  At the encouragement of one of my co-workers I tried the stairs with my heel.  It didn't hurt more than just walking does, so I'm going to keep taking the stairs.  The added per there?  I noticed that I can take three consecutive flights of stairs without dying now!  How cool is that?  I am still a little out of breath when I get to the top, but not so much so that I would be embarrassed to walk up along side a co-worker.  That is super and I'm thankful someone convinced me not to give up.  Woohoo!

As such, I'm also making a note on my white board.  It will document my success in this area.  Here you can see it for yourself.

Workout 120308: Schedule Constraints

Today's Workout:

20 min Arc Trainer
5 min Recumbent Bike
5 min stretch

The alarm went off at 4:55 am this morning.  I heard it within 5 minutes.  The buzzer is really a random radio station.  Loud enough to permeate my consciousness; quiet enough for my kids not to hear.  All would have been well with the morning had my hand not immediately found the snooze button.  After 2 snoozes I realized that I was late and drug myself out of bed to get on with the day.

This wouldn't be such as issue if it weren't for another of my little resolutions.  Much like managing money, there is a set amount of time in each day.  I tend to lag behind on a task now telling myself that I can make it up later.  Hit the snooze button.  Workout just 5 more minutes.  Dally in the car checking my email.  Pack lunches tomorrow morning.  Skip swapping the laundry just tonight.

But I can't make it up later.  Later gets later and later until I'm not getting to the gym at all and my husband has run out of underwear.  I have to stick to my schedule.  More importantly I must stop borrowing time.  That is my not-so-little resolution.  Stop owing myself.

So I got up late today and headed to the gym late.  But once there, I exercised my heart out until 6:15am which is my scheduled time to begin stretching.  At 6:20am, I was in the shower.  By 7am, I arrived at work.  On time!

Maybe I missed out on a bit more exercise.  But maybe, just maybe.  I'm a little more present in the day today.  Knowing that I'm caught up.  Thinking about the task at hand instead of adjusting to make up for the delay.

And that signals the end of lunch.

A Resolution of Sorts.

I've tried to exercise for weight loss before.  I've also tried dieting for weight loss.  I've tried combining the two.  I've tried cardio workouts.  Strength training.  Yoga.  Meeting with a personal trainer weekly.  Meeting with a personal trainer twice a week.  I once was a vegetarian.  The Atkins diet was tried.  South Beach was only considered.  The Mediterranean Diet.  Eating only organic foods.  Eliminating potatoes.  Drinking only water.  Weight Watchers.  Spark People.

I'm tired.  I'm tired of trying the next new thing or the old thing that every one else swears worked for them.  I sick and tired of seeing marginal results, feeling like crap and giving up.  Again.

I want this year to be different.  And every year to follow this year to continue the trend.  I want to be healthy and happy and feel good about myself and the HONEST EFFORT I put in.  I want to see results.  I absolutely want to lose weight.  However, more than anything else, I want to FEEL GOOD about myself.

Since I began working out in September, I've weighed myself a few times.  I can't say I was encouraged by the numbers, but I refused to take note of them.  I was starting out on a journey and they were not going to be the focus.  To support my ignorance of them, I resolved to begin taking note in the new year.  After my first workout at the start of each month, I will take note of the number on the scale.  I need to know what it is as it is the number I am most judged by in the health community.  Given the holidays and my wacky visiting virus, I didn't get around to weighing myself until today.

January is brought to you by the number 240.0.

I'm not sure what that number says yet.  I'm not sure how I feel about it.  But I said I would take note.  And I have.  Here's to resolutions and finding out where they will take you.