As I come to grips (again and again) with all that I'm trying to accomplish, I strive to be as honest with myself as I can. I attempt to set reasonable goals and deadlines. My progress I try to view as I would someone else's; in that way, I am kinder.
Lately I've been using the word obese. It's a word that I've fought with for a long time. When my BMI began to exceed the overweight range, I argued that I had big bones. Not that I even know what that means. Then a little while later I just stopped talking about it at all. I had to protect myself from people who would use that word against me. Hearing it aloud triggered an immediate fight response in me.
In time, I began to look at BMI the same way. It was a tool others used to point out all the things that were wrong with me. I clung to how incomplete the measurement was. Talking about my BMI, doctors would find that I immediately tuned them out. Earlier this year, I started making piece with BMI. Mine was 38.8 at the time. That shocked to me. At the start of the year it was 41.2. These numbers are so far outside the range of normal. I could no longer look at that number and believe that BMI was a useless measurement.
Today, four months later, eight months from the start, my BMI is 36.8. I've made progress, significant progress. I like looking at the original number compared to now because the leading 4 makes the leading 3 seem all that more impressive. I'm struggling to look at that number as a measurement and not a character flaw. But there is a truth I'm starting to accept...
I am obese.
As such I've been attempting to allow the word back into my vocabulary. It is a medical condition. Looking at the definition, I can understand why I've fought that word. At least according to Wikipedia, a person cannot be obese and healthy. They have to be obese and otherwise healthy. Obesity means that the person is carrying excess body weight which will lead to other diseases. I guess this is where the problem lies. It's a medical condition with a loaded future, more loaded than might be warranted.
A few days ago, I was discussing my struggles of late in person with someone who loves me. I used the word obese several times while describing the overwhelming feeling I've been experiencing. Each time I said the word, it made my listener cringe. As I stopped talking, she said, "I don't use that word. It's an ugly word." I went onto explain my feelings about the word; it certainly isn't pretty. And I'm definitely conflicted about it.
It's Voldemort.
It's the Condition-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named. We don't know what it means. We don't know how to fight it. We are scared of what it is doing to our health and our children's health. We see it shaping the world around us. We don't feel like we can stop it. Or even help. So we stop talking about it.
I'm not going to rid the world of obesity on this journey. But I can accept its effects in my life and myself. I am obese. I say that not to embrace and celebrate it, but to say that I know
where I'm at and what I have to do. I'm accepting these changes as
forever changes. I am serious. I will change this for myself. And one day I'll link back to this post and add some new characteristic to my self description. I look forward to that day.
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Friday, August 31, 2012
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Finding my track
I'm being very quiet right now. Words are a bit elusive. I want so much to share all that is going on in my head, but I'm afraid. Too much of it is conflicting and way too much of it is negative. I'm struggling to figure out how to balance striving for a goal with loving yourself just as you are. Especially when that goal is centered on the imperfections you see in the mirror. I do not have the answers. Some days I wonder if there are answers.
The numbers have officially gotten to me. I've been obsessing over them for weeks (maybe months now). They have infected my happy and I haven't been able to shake them. All I find is more reason to criticize myself. To judge me. Not only is it counter productive, but I'm too close. There is no objectivity when looking at oneself. How can there be? The numbers were to provide objectivity, but I've turned them negative. All I tend to see is how much better I can do. Not how much I've accomplished.
Last week I was introduced to a movement called Fat Acceptance. I understand this to be a movement to change the perception of fat people in society at large. I can appreciate the need for that. I'm obese, but I'm not lazy. I have weight to lose, but that is not the source of all my medical issues. Obese people need access to the same things people of normal weight need. All that I can buy into.
However, I also believe that being overweight can cause stress on the body which would not occur at a different weight. Similar to how running will cause stress on the body that wouldn't be experienced by a non-runner. The idea that you can be 100% healthy regardless of weight is not something I'm sure I agree with. My weight is a symptom of the lifestyles I've lived which, at the points when I was gaining weight, were most definitely not healthy. For me at least, I do not consider my health to be 100% with the weight that I carry.
Where does this leave me?
This process is going to take years. For me it is not as simple as reduce calories, exercise more, lose weight, be happy. At least I don't think it is. The first two steps I believe will lead to the third. This is what I have witnessed, how I've succeeded so far this year. The fourth step is the problem step. Will doing these things make me happy?
Or do I have to be happy first? Be Happy. Exercise More. Reduce Calories. Lose Weight. Is that the correct order? If so, I have to start with a much much harder question. What makes me happy? Is happy even the right word? I'm not always going to be happy. But I need to be making healthy decisions even when I'm not happy.
This is what I mean by confused and conflicting. I'm stuck in this place of inaction and I'm scared if I don't get out of it all the weight will creep right back while I'm busy trying to figure out my next step. At this point, the pragmatist steps in and says 'Just do something.' I tend to listen to the pragmatist. So here's what I'll do.
First, no more number posts. I'm pretending to be objective when I'm really not. Time to knock it off. I'm continuing the calorie counting. That is helping me. But I don't need to analyze it. Not right now. I am on the fence about my weigh-ins. I've been weighing myself each Wednesday and that is a good practice. I just have to work on not beating myself up over what the number says. Monthly I'll still share as I really want to keep track of how my weight changes over time, especially with regard to how I'm feeling.
Second, I'm modifying my workouts. All this started because I decided to run a 5K. That hasn't happened, but I've pushed myself and walked a 5K three times. Each time I've done better but still experienced cramping in my hips by mile 2. I did some looking and there are a few walking programs out there that get you ready for distance walks. I'm going to pick one and see if taking a more gradual approach will help me overcome these muscle issues. That will be shared here of course.
Third, more of my day to day life will be showing up here. I do a lot when it comes to health only a portion of which has been shared here. Given that I'm not going to capture a miraculous 100 pound loss in a year on this blog, I can capture some other very awesome things that I'm learning or doing. And really won't a record of all that be even more miraculous?
The numbers have officially gotten to me. I've been obsessing over them for weeks (maybe months now). They have infected my happy and I haven't been able to shake them. All I find is more reason to criticize myself. To judge me. Not only is it counter productive, but I'm too close. There is no objectivity when looking at oneself. How can there be? The numbers were to provide objectivity, but I've turned them negative. All I tend to see is how much better I can do. Not how much I've accomplished.
Last week I was introduced to a movement called Fat Acceptance. I understand this to be a movement to change the perception of fat people in society at large. I can appreciate the need for that. I'm obese, but I'm not lazy. I have weight to lose, but that is not the source of all my medical issues. Obese people need access to the same things people of normal weight need. All that I can buy into.
However, I also believe that being overweight can cause stress on the body which would not occur at a different weight. Similar to how running will cause stress on the body that wouldn't be experienced by a non-runner. The idea that you can be 100% healthy regardless of weight is not something I'm sure I agree with. My weight is a symptom of the lifestyles I've lived which, at the points when I was gaining weight, were most definitely not healthy. For me at least, I do not consider my health to be 100% with the weight that I carry.
Where does this leave me?
This process is going to take years. For me it is not as simple as reduce calories, exercise more, lose weight, be happy. At least I don't think it is. The first two steps I believe will lead to the third. This is what I have witnessed, how I've succeeded so far this year. The fourth step is the problem step. Will doing these things make me happy?
Or do I have to be happy first? Be Happy. Exercise More. Reduce Calories. Lose Weight. Is that the correct order? If so, I have to start with a much much harder question. What makes me happy? Is happy even the right word? I'm not always going to be happy. But I need to be making healthy decisions even when I'm not happy.
This is what I mean by confused and conflicting. I'm stuck in this place of inaction and I'm scared if I don't get out of it all the weight will creep right back while I'm busy trying to figure out my next step. At this point, the pragmatist steps in and says 'Just do something.' I tend to listen to the pragmatist. So here's what I'll do.
First, no more number posts. I'm pretending to be objective when I'm really not. Time to knock it off. I'm continuing the calorie counting. That is helping me. But I don't need to analyze it. Not right now. I am on the fence about my weigh-ins. I've been weighing myself each Wednesday and that is a good practice. I just have to work on not beating myself up over what the number says. Monthly I'll still share as I really want to keep track of how my weight changes over time, especially with regard to how I'm feeling.
Second, I'm modifying my workouts. All this started because I decided to run a 5K. That hasn't happened, but I've pushed myself and walked a 5K three times. Each time I've done better but still experienced cramping in my hips by mile 2. I did some looking and there are a few walking programs out there that get you ready for distance walks. I'm going to pick one and see if taking a more gradual approach will help me overcome these muscle issues. That will be shared here of course.
Third, more of my day to day life will be showing up here. I do a lot when it comes to health only a portion of which has been shared here. Given that I'm not going to capture a miraculous 100 pound loss in a year on this blog, I can capture some other very awesome things that I'm learning or doing. And really won't a record of all that be even more miraculous?
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Celebrating Progress
I've drafted three posts now and haven't published a single one. I'm so tired of complaining about my life and my progress. I'm actually tired of hearing myself complain. Every time I've tried to justify not writing I read my words and hear a whine in my voice that I don't like. This is taking too long. I'm working so hard. I messed up my diet. I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm tired.
As of this month I've lost 21 pounds. I've been ruminating over the number for days, actually weeks, now. I think about it all the time. At no point since I started this weight loss iteration have I obsessed over a number like I have this one. I've lost more than this in the past. Forty pounds lost was the climax of my weight watchers experience. Twenty of that never came back as anything more than temporary baby weight.
Having reached 21 pounds lost, I'm now at my lowest weight in my adult life, 219. I don't remember the moment when I crossed into the 220s for the first time, but I know it was before I graduated from undergrad. Reaching 219 is a huge accomplishment. One to be celebrated! Every step forward from here is a step into unknown territory. I'm no longer reversing the ups and downs of failed diets. I'm breaking new ground with every forward step.
Thinking back I didn't diet in college. My weight management plan was to buy another Diet Coke with a side of cigarettes; a substitution habit which began in high school. Food was impulsive and secondary. I don't remember thinking more about it than where the free food locations were (Engineering Building Atrium), how much a box of Rice Roni cost (89 cents) or if the 7 Eleven nachos were fresh (No, always No). Looking back, my many attempts to quit smoking definitely contributed to my weight gain. I don't remember ever losing weight when I would give into the cravings; smoking would just stop the upward trend. That habit steadily declined until late 2007 when I decided I wanted kids. Finally I quit for the last time.
Now I find myself at my lowest weight. I'm no longer a smoker. Diet Coke still happens, but on the order of maybe 32 ounces a month (I easily consumed 64 ounces a day). I've learned buckets about food and portions and exercise and nutrition. I'm working out harder and longer than ever before. I can feel myself getting stronger. And none of the changes I've made to my life are dangerous, unhealthy or unsustainable.
Wow. I have so much to celebrate.
Why do I hesitate? Fear that I can't do it without those habits. Nostalgia for all the plates of nachos consumed without a care. Doubt that the weight won't come back two fold. Fatigue from pushing myself to change while maintaining a life I love. Remorse over not taking care of myself sooner. Worry that it is too little too late. How can I celebrate when I still have so far to go? I'm a fat person celebrating being less fat. It's obscene.
And I'm being harsh. I know that. I recognize it. I'm not being nice or kind or forgiving towards myself. That is one of the things my husband called me out on months ago. This process is all about learning how to take care of me. What habits will serve me well. What does my body need to thrive. How can I feed my soul without food. As I try, learn and incorporate new things, even discarding previous staples, I'll feel better and the weight will come off.
Celebrating would feel good. I should try it sometime.
As of this month I've lost 21 pounds. I've been ruminating over the number for days, actually weeks, now. I think about it all the time. At no point since I started this weight loss iteration have I obsessed over a number like I have this one. I've lost more than this in the past. Forty pounds lost was the climax of my weight watchers experience. Twenty of that never came back as anything more than temporary baby weight.
Having reached 21 pounds lost, I'm now at my lowest weight in my adult life, 219. I don't remember the moment when I crossed into the 220s for the first time, but I know it was before I graduated from undergrad. Reaching 219 is a huge accomplishment. One to be celebrated! Every step forward from here is a step into unknown territory. I'm no longer reversing the ups and downs of failed diets. I'm breaking new ground with every forward step.
Thinking back I didn't diet in college. My weight management plan was to buy another Diet Coke with a side of cigarettes; a substitution habit which began in high school. Food was impulsive and secondary. I don't remember thinking more about it than where the free food locations were (Engineering Building Atrium), how much a box of Rice Roni cost (89 cents) or if the 7 Eleven nachos were fresh (No, always No). Looking back, my many attempts to quit smoking definitely contributed to my weight gain. I don't remember ever losing weight when I would give into the cravings; smoking would just stop the upward trend. That habit steadily declined until late 2007 when I decided I wanted kids. Finally I quit for the last time.
Now I find myself at my lowest weight. I'm no longer a smoker. Diet Coke still happens, but on the order of maybe 32 ounces a month (I easily consumed 64 ounces a day). I've learned buckets about food and portions and exercise and nutrition. I'm working out harder and longer than ever before. I can feel myself getting stronger. And none of the changes I've made to my life are dangerous, unhealthy or unsustainable.
Wow. I have so much to celebrate.
Why do I hesitate? Fear that I can't do it without those habits. Nostalgia for all the plates of nachos consumed without a care. Doubt that the weight won't come back two fold. Fatigue from pushing myself to change while maintaining a life I love. Remorse over not taking care of myself sooner. Worry that it is too little too late. How can I celebrate when I still have so far to go? I'm a fat person celebrating being less fat. It's obscene.
And I'm being harsh. I know that. I recognize it. I'm not being nice or kind or forgiving towards myself. That is one of the things my husband called me out on months ago. This process is all about learning how to take care of me. What habits will serve me well. What does my body need to thrive. How can I feed my soul without food. As I try, learn and incorporate new things, even discarding previous staples, I'll feel better and the weight will come off.
Celebrating would feel good. I should try it sometime.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Identity
Lately I've been talking with my husband more about my 100 pound goal. Where I was on top of the world last month, this month I'm struggling. Going to the gym in the morning has dropped out of existence. Weight loss is continuing due to my calorie restrictions. My foot is getting better. Slowly. All the systems that keep my world working experienced a crash and burn right in front of my eyes. Those systems are in the process of being reborn. As of right now, I haven't found time to put the gym back in yet.
It is scaring me. I liked how I was feeling and I believe those hours are going to become increasingly necessary for me to reach my goal and maintain. The work I put in at the gym also translates to other areas. My general well-being feels affected. In the past few weeks, food has stopped satisfying me. Nothing is good enough any more. My cravings are turned to nachos and french fries and burritos. Foods which have always helped fill the void.
There is an empty spot in me. It's a feeling I've had for a very long time, but it wasn't here a few weeks ago. I was busy and full to the brim. I was succeeding. I was in control. Now I don't feel that way. Something broke between heel pain, sick kids and service projects. Somewhere in there I got drained of whatever it was that was making me feel strong. Now I feel overwhelmed and lost.
I poured all this and more out on my husband. He hugged and comforted and offered support. We've had rough spots in the past over me trying to lose weight, but this time it is different. He's all in for whatever I need to do. It's amazing and empowering to be so supported. There isn't a person in the world who knows me so well. As I started to wind down, all my fears laid out in front of us, he offered a bit of insight.
Do I have to make a choice? How important is going to the gym every morning to me? Can I make a more balanced program by choosing 3 days a week to get up early and get my sweat on? The rhythm of my day is important to me. That I'm sure of. I have to think more about the rest. All this introspection takes time and energy as well. I've been reminding myself that dealing with this inner turmoil is at least as important as working out if not more so. Without all this thinking, I won't succeed at my larger goal. Sitting on my butt wasn't the only reason I got where I am today and getting off it isn't the sole key to the solution.
For too long I've asked my food to fill the emptiness these questions emphasize. That is not only the wrong answer but a way to avoid ever dealing with the question. I have to stop using food to drown my insecurities and dampen the wanderlust. The empty spot is something I need to embrace. As I continue to find success in my weight loss, this emptiness is going to get worse. Who do I want to be? What do I want to do with my life? When I was younger these questions caused me discomfort. I would avoid them because they meant I had to make choices and close doors. As a wife and mother, these questions are absolutely terrifying. They require a depth of belief that I don't necessarily have. A faith that I haven't gotten where I am by accident and against myself.
This is my rabbit hole. For the time being I'm still hovering at the edge. I cling to where I'm at and hope it's where I should be. But I have to address these feelings. I must continue to think on these questions. Success makes me aware of the dirt slipping away under my feet. New territory. Eventually I'll have no choice but to deal with whatever it is that's eating at me. But I'm just not ready yet.
It is scaring me. I liked how I was feeling and I believe those hours are going to become increasingly necessary for me to reach my goal and maintain. The work I put in at the gym also translates to other areas. My general well-being feels affected. In the past few weeks, food has stopped satisfying me. Nothing is good enough any more. My cravings are turned to nachos and french fries and burritos. Foods which have always helped fill the void.
There is an empty spot in me. It's a feeling I've had for a very long time, but it wasn't here a few weeks ago. I was busy and full to the brim. I was succeeding. I was in control. Now I don't feel that way. Something broke between heel pain, sick kids and service projects. Somewhere in there I got drained of whatever it was that was making me feel strong. Now I feel overwhelmed and lost.
I poured all this and more out on my husband. He hugged and comforted and offered support. We've had rough spots in the past over me trying to lose weight, but this time it is different. He's all in for whatever I need to do. It's amazing and empowering to be so supported. There isn't a person in the world who knows me so well. As I started to wind down, all my fears laid out in front of us, he offered a bit of insight.
"There are two versions of you. The newest version starts her day at the gym and works to make good food choices. I like both versions, but you seem to be happier with the newest."Maybe it is as simple as who do I want to be. Do I want starting each day at the gym to be on the top of my priority list? How important it is to me? What am I willing to rearrange to make it happen? A month ago I would have rearranged anything. Today I'm enjoying my later nights puttering around the house and dealing with my domestic issues. Or spending time with my husband. Or sewing. Or writing. Or just playing for a few extra minutes on the internet.
Do I have to make a choice? How important is going to the gym every morning to me? Can I make a more balanced program by choosing 3 days a week to get up early and get my sweat on? The rhythm of my day is important to me. That I'm sure of. I have to think more about the rest. All this introspection takes time and energy as well. I've been reminding myself that dealing with this inner turmoil is at least as important as working out if not more so. Without all this thinking, I won't succeed at my larger goal. Sitting on my butt wasn't the only reason I got where I am today and getting off it isn't the sole key to the solution.
For too long I've asked my food to fill the emptiness these questions emphasize. That is not only the wrong answer but a way to avoid ever dealing with the question. I have to stop using food to drown my insecurities and dampen the wanderlust. The empty spot is something I need to embrace. As I continue to find success in my weight loss, this emptiness is going to get worse. Who do I want to be? What do I want to do with my life? When I was younger these questions caused me discomfort. I would avoid them because they meant I had to make choices and close doors. As a wife and mother, these questions are absolutely terrifying. They require a depth of belief that I don't necessarily have. A faith that I haven't gotten where I am by accident and against myself.
This is my rabbit hole. For the time being I'm still hovering at the edge. I cling to where I'm at and hope it's where I should be. But I have to address these feelings. I must continue to think on these questions. Success makes me aware of the dirt slipping away under my feet. New territory. Eventually I'll have no choice but to deal with whatever it is that's eating at me. But I'm just not ready yet.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
PT: Day 31
Wednesday afternoon's PT session included:
6 min Elliptical - level 4
Reverse Curl with Stick - 15 reps
Monster Walk with Red Band
Backwards Monster Walk with Red Band
Bosu Superman (Swiss Ball removed) - 10 reps each side
Leg Extensions with Band (similar to Bird Dogs, but I wasn't strong enough to stretch out my arms with the band involved) - 20 reps each side
Side Lunges - 10 reps each side
Squats with 10 Pound weight - 10 reps
Lunges - 6 reps each side (new and WOWWOWWOW - Ow.)
Plank - 3 reps 20 sec each
Side Plank - 2 reps 20 sec each
Bridges with Kickout - 5 reps
Adductors - 5 reps with 5 sec hold (new exercise to strengthen my left leg specifically)
Yesterday was my last re-evaluation. My left side still needs a bit of work, but I've learned what I need to know. I'm being released from physical therapy next week. One more appointment and I'm officially on my own. It's alittle lot scary to know that I have to make this happen for myself now.
When I first started PT, I couldn't walk up a flight of stairs without pain. Today I still have occasional pain but I understand it and readjust. Five months ago, I could not order my glut to move my leg. Today I can properly exercise that muscle group to exhaustion. The first time we tested my abdominal strength I held a crunch for 12 seconds. In this most recent evaluation, she stopped the timer at 45 seconds when I hadn't dropped.
My biggest fear is that I'll end up back where I started. The pain will return. The weight will come back. My muscles will stop working. I'll give up, a lost cause. I can argue with those fears until I'm blue in the face. It makes no difference. Logically, I know I can't end up in the same place. That doesn't stop me from being scared of returning to that place. It would be my ultimate nightmare. Reliving the same struggle over and over with no one but myself to blame.
What I'm doing here - analyzing my diet, documenting my workouts - is my fear anecdote. I'm capturing the process I'm using to get from that scary painful unhealthy place to where ever I'm headed. Should I find that I'm back sliding I have tools to dig myself out again.
However, the quickest way to keep the fear at bay? Don't backslide. I'm working on that one right now.
6 min Elliptical - level 4
Reverse Curl with Stick - 15 reps
Monster Walk with Red Band
Backwards Monster Walk with Red Band
Bosu Superman (Swiss Ball removed) - 10 reps each side
Leg Extensions with Band (similar to Bird Dogs, but I wasn't strong enough to stretch out my arms with the band involved) - 20 reps each side
Side Lunges - 10 reps each side
Squats with 10 Pound weight - 10 reps
Lunges - 6 reps each side (new and WOWWOWWOW - Ow.)
Plank - 3 reps 20 sec each
Side Plank - 2 reps 20 sec each
Bridges with Kickout - 5 reps
Adductors - 5 reps with 5 sec hold (new exercise to strengthen my left leg specifically)
Yesterday was my last re-evaluation. My left side still needs a bit of work, but I've learned what I need to know. I'm being released from physical therapy next week. One more appointment and I'm officially on my own. It's a
When I first started PT, I couldn't walk up a flight of stairs without pain. Today I still have occasional pain but I understand it and readjust. Five months ago, I could not order my glut to move my leg. Today I can properly exercise that muscle group to exhaustion. The first time we tested my abdominal strength I held a crunch for 12 seconds. In this most recent evaluation, she stopped the timer at 45 seconds when I hadn't dropped.
My biggest fear is that I'll end up back where I started. The pain will return. The weight will come back. My muscles will stop working. I'll give up, a lost cause. I can argue with those fears until I'm blue in the face. It makes no difference. Logically, I know I can't end up in the same place. That doesn't stop me from being scared of returning to that place. It would be my ultimate nightmare. Reliving the same struggle over and over with no one but myself to blame.
What I'm doing here - analyzing my diet, documenting my workouts - is my fear anecdote. I'm capturing the process I'm using to get from that scary painful unhealthy place to where ever I'm headed. Should I find that I'm back sliding I have tools to dig myself out again.
However, the quickest way to keep the fear at bay? Don't backslide. I'm working on that one right now.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Workout 020604: Fighting Discouragement
Yesterday my physical therapist advised me to not come in and take it easy. After no workout in the morning and no PT I determined that I needed to do something at home. Here's what I did:
5 min Bike
15 Hip Abductors each side
15 Crunches on a Swiss Ball
10 Bicep Curls*
10 Front Raise*
10 Side Raise*
10 Shoulder Press*
15 Swiss Ball Bridges
15 Reverse Curls
Repeat all above one more time
Stretch
*All the arm exercises were done while sitting on a Swiss Ball with a 5 lb weight in each hand.
I'll start by saying I'm exceedingly happy that I did my exercises despite it being 8pm and my heel hurting me. Given that, I will also say that nothing felt quite right. My exercise ball didn't have enough air in it. My coccyx started to hurt. My foot was not better (but no worse, thankfully) from the exercising. And I couldn't find my stick to roll out my legs.
This is why I go to the gym.
That said, I'm not sure how much I can do at the gym right now. This morning I stopped by to drop off the gift certificate for my training sessions, but I didn't work out. It occurred to me half way through the morning that I can swim at the gym even if my foot is hurting. That's what I'll do tomorrow. I'm happy to have a plan of attack to keep moving through this foot thing. It's only been hurting me for 2 full days, but it making me very nervous. I've made so much progress and I'm very worried about derailing it now.
I told myself I would wait until Wednesday to make an appointment for my foot, but I think I'm going to get the appointment scheduled today. Am I being a big baby about this foot? I'm not sure. But I'm so tired of being in pain. I love that I was achieving entire days pain free. Now that I know that is possible I find this pain to be intolerable. I also worry that I'll just get used to it like I did with the hip and knee stuff. Then years go by and I end up a ball of disjointed mess again. Bleck.
So that's enough wallowing for today. Call doctor to make appointment for foot. Swim at gym tomorrow. The plan of action has been determined. Moving on!
5 min Bike
15 Hip Abductors each side
15 Crunches on a Swiss Ball
10 Bicep Curls*
10 Front Raise*
10 Side Raise*
10 Shoulder Press*
15 Swiss Ball Bridges
15 Reverse Curls
Repeat all above one more time
Stretch
*All the arm exercises were done while sitting on a Swiss Ball with a 5 lb weight in each hand.
I'll start by saying I'm exceedingly happy that I did my exercises despite it being 8pm and my heel hurting me. Given that, I will also say that nothing felt quite right. My exercise ball didn't have enough air in it. My coccyx started to hurt. My foot was not better (but no worse, thankfully) from the exercising. And I couldn't find my stick to roll out my legs.
This is why I go to the gym.
That said, I'm not sure how much I can do at the gym right now. This morning I stopped by to drop off the gift certificate for my training sessions, but I didn't work out. It occurred to me half way through the morning that I can swim at the gym even if my foot is hurting. That's what I'll do tomorrow. I'm happy to have a plan of attack to keep moving through this foot thing. It's only been hurting me for 2 full days, but it making me very nervous. I've made so much progress and I'm very worried about derailing it now.
I told myself I would wait until Wednesday to make an appointment for my foot, but I think I'm going to get the appointment scheduled today. Am I being a big baby about this foot? I'm not sure. But I'm so tired of being in pain. I love that I was achieving entire days pain free. Now that I know that is possible I find this pain to be intolerable. I also worry that I'll just get used to it like I did with the hip and knee stuff. Then years go by and I end up a ball of disjointed mess again. Bleck.
So that's enough wallowing for today. Call doctor to make appointment for foot. Swim at gym tomorrow. The plan of action has been determined. Moving on!
Monday, May 21, 2012
Workout 120521: To Summarize
Monday morning workout:
30 min Arc Trainer (Interval level 3)
5 min Treadmill cooldown
Stretch
There's a lot going on and this weekend I really wanted nothing to do with my computer. I unplugged at 5:30pm and didn't return until Monday. It was good. And busy. But that is life, right?
There are a few things I've been wanting to write about, but haven't had the time or focus or something to sit down and knock out the story. So in the interest of not forgetting them I'm going to summarize.
I can do squats! I might mentioned it earlier, but it is pretty awesome. So I'll say it again. I can do squats!!! Right now it is just me and a spotter (or bench to catch me if I fall down), no additional weights. But did I tell you? I can do squats!
As such, PT is finishing up. I am down to one appointment per week until the end of June. I'm absolutely terrified about this. I should be delving into those feelings and figuring it out, but I'm just scared. I takes a lot of energy to power through this fear and will require even more to deal with and dispel it. I will have to do that. I'm not ready.
Last week my knees started hurting again. My therapist says that it is a flare up and I'll work through it. She put some magic pink tape on my legs and one of my knees felt better. Maybe all my fear is manifesting itself as leg pain. Either way the bright pink tape helped and I felt a bit better. Until I started itching. Apparently I'm allergic to the adhesive they use on the tape. Hopefully it worked enough magic to last for a bit because I still have hives from where it was stuck to my skin. Grr.
To help with the transition from PT monitored strength work to going it alone, I've enlisted a personal trainer. My husband purchased me 3 personal training sessions for Christmas to get assistance with training for running a 5K. When that didn't pan out an I ended up in PT, I wasn't sure when I would use them or how. Five full months later I am so thankful that I have these visits. I meet with my trainer for the first time on Wednesday. She runs a boot camp on Tuesday and Friday. I don't know that I'll be up for that, but she'll probably be the best person to tell me. We'll see.
Wish me luck. Hopefully I'll have time to week to elaborate a little on all my neuroses; but, if not, be assured I'm just building up for killer stories later on. *sigh*
30 min Arc Trainer (Interval level 3)
5 min Treadmill cooldown
Stretch
There's a lot going on and this weekend I really wanted nothing to do with my computer. I unplugged at 5:30pm and didn't return until Monday. It was good. And busy. But that is life, right?
There are a few things I've been wanting to write about, but haven't had the time or focus or something to sit down and knock out the story. So in the interest of not forgetting them I'm going to summarize.
I can do squats! I might mentioned it earlier, but it is pretty awesome. So I'll say it again. I can do squats!!! Right now it is just me and a spotter (or bench to catch me if I fall down), no additional weights. But did I tell you? I can do squats!
As such, PT is finishing up. I am down to one appointment per week until the end of June. I'm absolutely terrified about this. I should be delving into those feelings and figuring it out, but I'm just scared. I takes a lot of energy to power through this fear and will require even more to deal with and dispel it. I will have to do that. I'm not ready.
Last week my knees started hurting again. My therapist says that it is a flare up and I'll work through it. She put some magic pink tape on my legs and one of my knees felt better. Maybe all my fear is manifesting itself as leg pain. Either way the bright pink tape helped and I felt a bit better. Until I started itching. Apparently I'm allergic to the adhesive they use on the tape. Hopefully it worked enough magic to last for a bit because I still have hives from where it was stuck to my skin. Grr.
To help with the transition from PT monitored strength work to going it alone, I've enlisted a personal trainer. My husband purchased me 3 personal training sessions for Christmas to get assistance with training for running a 5K. When that didn't pan out an I ended up in PT, I wasn't sure when I would use them or how. Five full months later I am so thankful that I have these visits. I meet with my trainer for the first time on Wednesday. She runs a boot camp on Tuesday and Friday. I don't know that I'll be up for that, but she'll probably be the best person to tell me. We'll see.
Wish me luck. Hopefully I'll have time to week to elaborate a little on all my neuroses; but, if not, be assured I'm just building up for killer stories later on. *sigh*
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Maintenance Fears
Today I found My Fitspiration, a blog written by Olivia and Hannah from The Biggest Loser Season 11. Olivia lost 129 pounds; Hannah, 120. It was amazing to watch them change as the season carried on. I'd heard of The Biggest Loser before, but that was the first season I followed from beginning to end. I found it inspiring. Inspiring and terrifying.
I work a full-time sedentary job. I'm raising 2 daughters along side my husband. I've been overweight most of my life. While I understand that my weight endangers my health, I'm not willing to leave my family and career at this point to spend 22 weeks in isolation redefining my mind, body and life. I'm not always happy with where I am. But I'm not THAT unhappy either.
So I took the show for what it was, a glimpse into an immersion experience focused on changing lives. It's not something I should expect for myself. That's fine.
At the end of the show, the conquering heroes return to their lives. They go home, return to their jobs and get mired in everyday life. Just like me. Somehow they figure out how to maintain. The show is over at that point. There are no more cameras, no more being accountable to millions of at home viewers.
But somehow many of them maintain the weight loss. Olivia and Hannah have made fitness and spreading the word their new mission in life. That brings a bit of accountability into the equation for sure. Reading their blog, they are maintaining their weight loss with 90 minutes of exercise 6 days a week.
Full stop. Please wait a moment while I close my jaw and try to refocus my eyes. 90 minutes per day. 6 days per week. For maintenance. Um. I'm not sure I can do that. Let me rephrase. I'm not sure I want to do that. What if that is what it takes? What if I reach a point where nothing else is working? Will I find a place in my life for that kind of dedication to exercise?
Thankfully I'm making progress with my plan. I have quite a bit of room for adjustment before I have to face that decision. And I don't know how going through all this will change me. I know that things have to change. Every day I go to the gym, I change a little more. But where I'll end up? What I'll make a priority in my life? I don't know.
In the meantime, I do worry. And fret. And wonder. And hope. I hope that I'll succeed this time. I hope I'll find out what it takes to maintain a monumental weight loss. I hope these are fears I get to face.
I work a full-time sedentary job. I'm raising 2 daughters along side my husband. I've been overweight most of my life. While I understand that my weight endangers my health, I'm not willing to leave my family and career at this point to spend 22 weeks in isolation redefining my mind, body and life. I'm not always happy with where I am. But I'm not THAT unhappy either.
So I took the show for what it was, a glimpse into an immersion experience focused on changing lives. It's not something I should expect for myself. That's fine.
At the end of the show, the conquering heroes return to their lives. They go home, return to their jobs and get mired in everyday life. Just like me. Somehow they figure out how to maintain. The show is over at that point. There are no more cameras, no more being accountable to millions of at home viewers.
But somehow many of them maintain the weight loss. Olivia and Hannah have made fitness and spreading the word their new mission in life. That brings a bit of accountability into the equation for sure. Reading their blog, they are maintaining their weight loss with 90 minutes of exercise 6 days a week.
Full stop. Please wait a moment while I close my jaw and try to refocus my eyes. 90 minutes per day. 6 days per week. For maintenance. Um. I'm not sure I can do that. Let me rephrase. I'm not sure I want to do that. What if that is what it takes? What if I reach a point where nothing else is working? Will I find a place in my life for that kind of dedication to exercise?
Thankfully I'm making progress with my plan. I have quite a bit of room for adjustment before I have to face that decision. And I don't know how going through all this will change me. I know that things have to change. Every day I go to the gym, I change a little more. But where I'll end up? What I'll make a priority in my life? I don't know.
In the meantime, I do worry. And fret. And wonder. And hope. I hope that I'll succeed this time. I hope I'll find out what it takes to maintain a monumental weight loss. I hope these are fears I get to face.
Monday, March 19, 2012
That thing I'm not talking about
I mentioned that I joined Weight Watchers and then I haven't talked about it. At least I haven't given it the attention that I give a lot of other things. It's so much easier to talk about working out and physical therapy and where I'm going from here. There's emotion there, but is a mostly positive and all about me getting better one step at a time.
Why don't I feel that way about Weight Watchers?
At my first real weigh in, last week, I frowned as I read the number on the scale. It was a loss. A not insignificant loss. So why was I frowning? Why did I continue to scowl as I headed to the shower and got myself ready for the day?
There have been so many disappointments over the past 2 decades. To lose weight only means that I'll gain it back at a later date. Life will get busy and I'll be less vigilant and the weight will reappear. That's what happens every time. If I don't lose the weight in the first place, then I don't have to experience the crushing defeat when it comes home.
It's hard to be hopeful. To think that this time will be different. This time I'm working out. The working out became a routine before the dietary changes were tackled. The combination is what makes it all work. Diet and Exercise. Exercise and Diet. I'm doing this the right way.
And I'm terrified. I'm scared it won't work. I'm afraid something else will crop up and get in the way again. To put in all these hours and all this work only to end up back where I am right now. Crushing. Of all the goods and bads in my life so far, the worst seems to hit when I think I've failed. To look at myself and wonder where the deficiency in me came from that this program that works for millions didn't work for me.
These fears I have to work through. Even if I never lose another pound, I have to love myself, who I am and what I can do. I have to learn to do that. If I'm going to succeed in anything, I have to find ways to support myself and overcome the things that side track me. Like me.
But there is one more fear that is almost paralyzing. I have trouble even thinking about it. What happens when I succeed?
Why don't I feel that way about Weight Watchers?
At my first real weigh in, last week, I frowned as I read the number on the scale. It was a loss. A not insignificant loss. So why was I frowning? Why did I continue to scowl as I headed to the shower and got myself ready for the day?
There have been so many disappointments over the past 2 decades. To lose weight only means that I'll gain it back at a later date. Life will get busy and I'll be less vigilant and the weight will reappear. That's what happens every time. If I don't lose the weight in the first place, then I don't have to experience the crushing defeat when it comes home.
It's hard to be hopeful. To think that this time will be different. This time I'm working out. The working out became a routine before the dietary changes were tackled. The combination is what makes it all work. Diet and Exercise. Exercise and Diet. I'm doing this the right way.
And I'm terrified. I'm scared it won't work. I'm afraid something else will crop up and get in the way again. To put in all these hours and all this work only to end up back where I am right now. Crushing. Of all the goods and bads in my life so far, the worst seems to hit when I think I've failed. To look at myself and wonder where the deficiency in me came from that this program that works for millions didn't work for me.
These fears I have to work through. Even if I never lose another pound, I have to love myself, who I am and what I can do. I have to learn to do that. If I'm going to succeed in anything, I have to find ways to support myself and overcome the things that side track me. Like me.
But there is one more fear that is almost paralyzing. I have trouble even thinking about it. What happens when I succeed?
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