I'm being very quiet right now. Words are a bit elusive. I want so much to share all that is going on in my head, but I'm afraid. Too much of it is conflicting and way too much of it is negative. I'm struggling to figure out how to balance striving for a goal with loving yourself just as you are. Especially when that goal is centered on the imperfections you see in the mirror. I do not have the answers. Some days I wonder if there are answers.
The numbers have officially gotten to me. I've been obsessing over them for weeks (maybe months now). They have infected my happy and I haven't been able to shake them. All I find is more reason to criticize myself. To judge me. Not only is it counter productive, but I'm too close. There is no objectivity when looking at oneself. How can there be? The numbers were to provide objectivity, but I've turned them negative. All I tend to see is how much better I can do. Not how much I've accomplished.
Last week I was introduced to a movement called Fat Acceptance. I understand this to be a movement to change the perception of fat people in society at large. I can appreciate the need for that. I'm obese, but I'm not lazy. I have weight to lose, but that is not the source of all my medical issues. Obese people need access to the same things people of normal weight need. All that I can buy into.
However, I also believe that being overweight can cause stress on the body which would not occur at a different weight. Similar to how running will cause stress on the body that wouldn't be experienced by a non-runner. The idea that you can be 100% healthy regardless of weight is not something I'm sure I agree with. My weight is a symptom of the lifestyles I've lived which, at the points when I was gaining weight, were most definitely not healthy. For me at least, I do not consider my health to be 100% with the weight that I carry.
Where does this leave me?
This process is going to take years. For me it is not as simple as reduce calories, exercise more, lose weight, be happy. At least I don't think it is. The first two steps I believe will lead to the third. This is what I have witnessed, how I've succeeded so far this year. The fourth step is the problem step. Will doing these things make me happy?
Or do I have to be happy first? Be Happy. Exercise More. Reduce Calories. Lose Weight. Is that the correct order? If so, I have to start with a much much harder question. What makes me happy? Is happy even the right word? I'm not always going to be happy. But I need to be making healthy decisions even when I'm not happy.
This is what I mean by confused and conflicting. I'm stuck in this place of inaction and I'm scared if I don't get out of it all the weight will creep right back while I'm busy trying to figure out my next step. At this point, the pragmatist steps in and says 'Just do something.' I tend to listen to the pragmatist. So here's what I'll do.
First, no more number posts. I'm pretending to be objective when I'm really not. Time to knock it off. I'm continuing the calorie counting. That is helping me. But I don't need to analyze it. Not right now. I am on the fence about my weigh-ins. I've been weighing myself each Wednesday and that is a good practice. I just have to work on not beating myself up over what the number says. Monthly I'll still share as I really want to keep track of how my weight changes over time, especially with regard to how I'm feeling.
Second, I'm modifying my workouts. All this started because I decided to run a 5K. That hasn't happened, but I've pushed myself and walked a 5K three times. Each time I've done better but still experienced cramping in my hips by mile 2. I did some looking and there are a few walking programs out there that get you ready for distance walks. I'm going to pick one and see if taking a more gradual approach will help me overcome these muscle issues. That will be shared here of course.
Third, more of my day to day life will be showing up here. I do a lot when it comes to health only a portion of which has been shared here. Given that I'm not going to capture a miraculous 100 pound loss in a year on this blog, I can capture some other very awesome things that I'm learning or doing. And really won't a record of all that be even more miraculous?
Yay for the awesome! I can't wait to hear about it. :-)
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