Lessons

Yesterday I was feeling strong.  I was positive.  I started thinking about what I wanted to teach my girls as they watched me go through this.  Because I know they are watching.  Ideas that kept swimming in my mind include:

Take care of yourself now.

Prepare to succeed.

Hard work opens doors.

Those first two lessons are something I wish I'd know 20 years ago.  Maybe they were offered; maybe they weren't.  I didn't see, internalize or act on them.  And I truly wish I had.  I focused for years on working hard to make up for my perceived shortcomings.  I've pushed so hard to excel at my course work, advance in my career, build my family, I neglected major parts of me.  Most notably my body and health.  I hope that realization doesn't turn into the regret in the coming years.  Me is something I plan to take care of now.

Which brings me to this month's weigh-in.  Today I weighed in at 219.  I have lost one pound since June.  I started writing up a list of all the reasons why I should still feel good about the last month.  The list didn't feel right.  It was me talking myself out of feeling what I'm feeling.

Quite simply I am disappointed.  In my progress.  In myself.  In this process.  I want all this work to pay off much MUCH faster than it is.  I'm tired all the time.  With today's weigh-in I am also sad.  I'm telling myself this is okay.  Permanent change isn't fast.  Results will come when I make sustainable changes.  It's okay to be frustrated and fed up.  Which brings me to another lesson.

Don't compromise.

It's not PC.  It's not pretty.  And it's not always nice.  When you find a goal that means the world to you.  When you decide it is your mission to reach that goal.  When that purpose lights you up and makes you want more.  Do not give up.  Don't settle for less.  Don't let anyone get in your way.  Including yourself.  Especially yourself.

This month  I've allowed some old habits back in.  Those habits have chipped away at my resolve and my progress.  I've let them.  I have actively looked the other way while I made poor decisions.  I hate that I'm a self-saboteur, but I'm not sure I can call myself anything else.  One thought keeps coming to mind as I chew over the last month - I'm tired.  I'm not completely sure why.   After 7 months and 21 pounds, is some sort of mission fatigue setting in?  Is this a yet unidentified funk?  Do I just need to get to bed earlier?

Now is the time to figure it out.  I'm not giving up.  Back to earlier bedtimes, homemade lunches and weeknight prep hour.  Back to stopping when I know I've reached my calorie limit for the day.  Back to believing that I not only can but will accomplish this goal.  If the tired continues, I will see the doctor.  But first it's time to dump all the excuses.