Start Believing

Did you know that I can be a negative person?

Shockingly, I might be a pessimist.  Maybe I'm the only person this surprises.  I hope not.  I always thought of myself as a happy person.  But lately...  Between my struggles with PT and adding dietary restrictions in my life and some deadline pressure applied at work...  I've been very negative.

I appear to look at the bad side first.  I complain before I appreciate.  I critique the process before I fully engage in it.

And I'm starting to notice.  Maybe, just maybe, I'm starting to change.

I've always thought there are two kinds of people, optimists and pessimists.  All shades of gray between the two are represented by cynics.  Cynics are people who were once Optimists but can't keep up the energy any more.  They start to see the frayed edges, the faded colors.  In time, Cynics become Pessimists.  I remember years ago when I was an Optimist.  But then I grew up.  I became cynical, skeptical, suspicious.  Without noticing I became a pessimist.  I stopped believing.

How is this relevant?

Today a friend posted that she'd achieved a BMI of 24.6 with regular exercise.  Initially I dismissed the number.  BMI is just a way to label people, to judge them for being less.  I won't let that number define me.  I have enough to feel bad about without worrying about a number that doesn't even really mean anything.  That number doesn't show how hard I work or how much I like vegetables.

Pause...

The healthy range is 18.5 to 24.9.

Think...

The overweight range is  25 to 29.9.

Consider...

My BMI is 38.8.

That is a very sobering thought.  Where I am now is terrifying.  Doctors use this number as a guide.  it helps them assess where a person's health might be and what issues they may need to focus on.  It's problem solving 101.  And I have a big red flashing light over my head with siren blaring.  There might even be one of those Vegas style neon signs.  The doctors are paid to see the lights and sirens.  That's why they've bugged me so much.  I've refused to accept it.

Reconsider...

I need to lose 54 more pounds before I get to overweight.


The goal appears so very unattainable.   Losing 54 pounds, just to be overweight at 179 pounds.  Fifty four pounds and I'll stop being obese.  This is an intermediate goal.  This is a GOOD intermediate goal.

It's still gigantic.  Huge.  Obese, if you will.  Bigger than I can wrap my mind around. 

I have to start believing.

Others have done this.  It is far from impossible.  Everyone's process is different, but there are proven steps to attaining a goal like this.  Move more.  Eat less.  Make better food choices.  Love yourself.  Be patient.  Discard what doesn't work.  Search for what does work.  Keep fighting.  Believe.

My definition of optimism was that of a pessimist.  Anyone starting there had only to wait until life got hard and reality changed them.  Pessimism was inevitable and I'd never considered a way out of it.  Why would I?  Once you stop believing, what could ever make you start again?

Results.  That is my only answer.  I have to embrace positive results.  My results, but also the results achieved by others.  I need to search for inspiration.  As I reach goals, I must accept and celebrate the work it took to get here.  As I progress, I pray that proof translates to belief.  Belief in the process.  Belief in myself.  Belief that I can do this.

PT: Day 18

Thursday's PT regimen:

6 min Elliptical level 4
Swiss Ball Squats - 14 reps with 5 sec hold
Bird Dogs with Stick - 20 reps each side
Reverse Curl with Stick (was: Leg Lifts with Arms Raised) - 15 reps
Side Steps with Band
Assisted Crunches on Swiss Ball - 2 sets 10 repsModified Planks - 3 reps with 30 sec hold
Modified Side Planks - 3 reps each side with 20 sec hold
Cage Stretch

Thursday I got a massage.  I want to say it was awesome, but I can't really say it was awesome when every motion my therapist made burned with the heat of a thousand suns!  OW!  Ow! OW!  It was awesome.

Apparently my collection of butt muscles is a mess.  They are all weak and tense and not doing what they should be doing.  Due to the mess, they are sore.  Not just walking around achy sore, but "please don't touch me or I'm going to punch you in the face" sore.  Did the PT cause this?  No.  Was I functioning prior to the PT? Yes.  Was this pain there the whole time?  Yes.  Why am I only dealing with this now?  Ugh.

I've hurt for so long.  Not a hurt so intense that I need pain killers or can't function on a day-to-day basis.  I just hurt.  Through trial and error and tears, I've learned what motions hurt and what parts of my body are overly sensitive.  I avoid the painful motions and protect the sensitive spots.  It doesn't make it go away, but I've dealt with it, managed it.  And I've avoided thinking about it.

Thinking or talking about this kind of pain is hard.  It is a constant in my life and makes me feel vulnerable and weak.  These are feelings that I can't afford on a daily basis.  Or I believed I couldn't afford.  If someone caught a glimpse of it, I would quickly derail the conversation while quashing the tears that came to my eyes.  The mere suggestion that I address this pain with another human being was utterly overwhelming.  So I accepted it.  I accepted that this was just the way my body was and I moved on.  This was my normal.

I'm defining a new normal these days.

Workout 120404: Progress

Today's workout:

Hip Warmup Stretch
30 min Elliptical (interval setting)
5 min Treadmill cooldown
Hip Abductors (10 reps 3 sets each leg)
Bridges (15 reps with 5 sec hold)
Stretch

Today felt good.  I was able to complete 30 minutes on the same Elliptical machine that had me crying for mercy a few weeks ago.  Woohoo!!!  I'm thrilled to be making progress.  I still have to focus on my motion when I'm on the Elliptical but I didn't have any pain.  I'm really starting to think we might be figuring all this out in my physical therapy sessions.  Such a relief!

Supporting my good feeling this morning, I actually got everything on my nightly must do list done last night.  A few months ago I spent 4 weeks following FlyLady's recommendations pretty closely.  I can't say that I completed a step everyday.  And I definitely didn't make it to the end of the list.  But after a month, I started to understand that I really did need to prep for the next day each evening.  Without that prep, my days fall apart so quickly.  Maybe that is part of running a house, or being a full-time working mom, or just being a human being.  I have no idea.  But the past couple of nights I've really pushed to get all the tasks done on my list including being in bed at 9:30pm.  Last night I succeeded and it makes such a difference in starting the next day.

I'm reaching the gushing point so I'm going to stop.  I'm happy right now.  I might make a new happy tag to link all my posts where I just love life.  I definitely need to remember this feeling on the days when I feel crushed.  It's pretty awesome!

PT: Day 17

Monday's PT Regimen:

6 min Elliptical level 4
Prone Press Ups Right Side - 2 sets 10 reps
Swiss Ball Squats - 10 reps with 5 sec hold

The Swiss Ball Squats involved me doing a squat with my back against a swiss ball against a wall.  I lower down until my thighs are parallel to the floor using the ball for support to allow my back to curve properly.  I hold the squat for 5 seconds and then raise back up.

Bird Dogs with Stick (this is the name the therapist used for the Arm/Leg Back Extensions) - 20 reps each side
Side Steps with Band
Modified Planks - 3 reps with 30 sec hold
Modified Side Planks - 3 reps each side with 20 sec hold
Assisted Crunches on Swiss Ball - 2 sets 10 reps

For this exercise, I lean back into a reclined position on a swiss ball while holding a weighted pullie in front of me with both hands.  I tense my abdominal muscles and then slowly allow the weight to pull me up to sitting.  The therapist tells me how far up constitutes sitting by feeling for the point where my abs "pop out".  This has been translated to me as the point there they can't stay tensed any more under the activity I'm doing.  Strange enough, I do need her to tell me this; I can't yet feel when that happens.

Cage Stretch

I felt pretty tired after yesterday's PT, but it was a good tired.  My abdominal muscles let me know that they were still there and I slept like a rock.  It's good to know that I can continue working out these non-responsive muscles.  The new exercises are harder and I'm beginning to really be able to focus on the correct muscles in the ones I've been doing over and over.  Whew!  Yeah for progress!

Finding Balance

Yesterday was the first workout of the month.  I have a new number to report.  A number I am feeling pretty good about.  And that number is...

233

I am down 6 pounds in a month!  To say I'm thrilled doesn't quite encompass how truly pleased I am with this result.  It's a bit of validation that I'm doing something right.  My choices are starting to pay off.  I'm losing weight!  This number is the lowest number I've seen on the scale since just after my second child was born.  That was only 1 1/2 years ago, but what a time it has been!

While the weight lost is something to celebrate, I'm celebrating more than that this month.  I have found balance in my current schedule.  Gym two days a week.  PT two days a week.  I can't say this looks like I'd envisioned it, but it's working for me better than anything has in a while.  For that I am grateful.  I've maintained this routine for 3 weeks now and I'm feeling better mentally and physically.  I'll still work to add a 5th workout in there each week, but it feels so good to have a plan and stick to it and feel good when its complete.

There is still fear in me over what this number means and all the numbers to come.  I also alternate between worrying and anticipating the end of PT.  But those concerns will be there tomorrow and the next day and probably many days to come.  Today (and yesterday) I'm just going to reflect a little and enjoy the progress I've made and the balance I've found.  I can dream a little today about the months to come.  In a happy mode.  Ahhh.

Workout 120402: Inspiration

Today's workout:

20 min Arc Trainer (interval setting level 2)
10 min Treadmill (2.5 mph for 5 min; then cool down)
Hip Abductors (10 reps 3 sets each leg)
Bridges (15 reps with 5 sec hold)
Stretch

There are two people in my gym right now who inspire me.  I'm not sure they even know they are there.  I don't know their names.

One I first took note of about 6 weeks ago.  He's an older man in decent physical shape (from the looks of it).  There are a group of men and women who work out in the mornings and have been for so long that they know each other.  He's part of the gym community. About 4 weeks ago, I overheard him talking with one of the women.  He was going in for major back surgery.  He'd been putting it off for years and finally the time had come.  Today he returned to the gym.  Wearing a back brace and looking a bit more tired than before, he was working out on the elliptical.  People greeted him and welcomed him back.  He smiled and chatted, the whole while continuing his workout.

I want to achieve physical fitness in my life.  I see that in him.  I want to gain control over my physical health and make maintaining it a part of my life.  I think he personifies that for me.  Someone who had made going to the gym and maintaining his health part of his life.  Maybe it isn't even a priority, just something he does everyday.  I don't know, but I like the dedication I see there.

The second person is a woman.  I started seeing her in the gym about 3 weeks ago.  She's heavier than me.  She also appears to be more out of shape than I am.  Each day I'm there I see her working out by herself or with a friend.  It's hard work.  She puts in at least an hour each morning.  I don't know exactly how long, because I only put in 30-45 minutes.  She's there working before and after me.  While that is enough to admire, it isn't what inspires me.  Every time I look her way, she is smiling.  She chats with her friend and laughs.  Though we've never been introduced, she smiles in greeting when we pass in the hall.

I want to appreciate the time that I have at the gym.  I don't know why that woman smiles.  Given the state of my health, on down days, I don't see a lot to smile about.  I struggle to see the positive side of things.  Maybe it is because I've never had it really bad.  Maybe it is just my disposition. But in that woman I see hope.  I don't know if it is real or just what I want to see, but that's what I find when she smiles at me.  And, in turn, that hope in her makes me smile.  I appreciate the time I have to work all this out just a little more.

PT: Day 16

I went.  I worked.  I cried.

Grr.

Sorry for the lack of details, but I'm finding is particularly hard to write up frustrating PT days.  Thursday was one of those.  We attempted a new exercise where I held a kettle ball and did a squat.  Then as I rose up I lift the kettle ball (bell?) to shoulder height.  Rinse.  Repeat.

I couldn't do it.   Not only that but I couldn't do a regular squat.  Then I couldn't do a squat with my back supported.  THEN I couldn't do a weight assisted squat.

Now when I say I couldn't do it.  I mean that I couldn't do it with proper form and no pain in my left knee. And that is monumentally frustrating.  I thought I was doing squats correctly!  I am very frustrated to be further back than I thought I was.

On the flip side, I still have time.  I am in the right place to relearn all this stuff and to relearn it correctly.  So, in response, I did the most mature thing I could think to do under the circumstances.  I scheduled another month of PT.  Then I went to my car and had a good cry.